· Let the end-of-year listmania begin: AFI releases its top 10 movies/television programs of 2004. [THR]
· The lovable drunks of Sideways take the LA Critics Assn. [THR], San Francisco Critics Circle [Variety, sub. req'd.], and NY Online Critics [THR] top honors. They're all just setting themselves up for disappointment when Miramax buys a win for The Aviator at the Oscars.
· The Desperate Housewives juggernaut outdoes all TV series in Golden Globe nominations, even beating The Sopranos by a count of five to four. Unfortunately, adulterous, teen-banging wife Eva Longoria is shut out. [Variety]
· Fox is so desperate to grab the Steve Levitan-Pamela Anderson pilot that it gives the still-unwritten project a six- episode, on-air commitment. Or, in terms we can better understand, three episodes per implant. [Variety]
· Kathy Bates is in negotiations to star in the Lifetime movie Ambulance Girl, about a middle-aged housewife who drives a fire truck. Kidding! She drives an ambulance. Naked. OK, not really. One nude scene per decade for Bates really is more than enough. [THR]

· Switching to a strategy in which they will only try to court viewers who live within the Los Angeles city limits, Showtime fast-tracks the production of Two Blind Mikes, the story of Michael Eisner and Michael Ovitz's love affair gone sour. Do the Showtime folks know something we don't about how The Hollywood Trial of the Century is going to turn out? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Warner Bros. becomes the first studio to make over $2 billion internationally in one year. Apparently, Troy and Last Samurai play much better with overdubbing or subtitles. [THR]
· Nicole Kidman ditches the new The Producers movie, claiming she's way too busy to learn the songs and dance routines. [Variety]
· Snoop Dogg will star in and produce a Coach Snoop, a film about his experiences coaching his son's football team. Said Snoop, "But most importantly during the football season, if you aren't wearing a helmet, get the fuck away from me. Football first; everything else second." Well, everything else but weed. [THR]
· HBO claims their in-show product placements are all driven by story and add extra realism, instead of adding huge amounts of cash to the network. Right. Nothing's more real than stealth cash from advertisers. [THR]

· The O.C.'s Mischa Barton is in negotiations to star in Dino de Laurentiis period drama The Decameron, based on the 14th century literary classic that no one within a 300-mile radius of Los Angeles has ever heard of. [THR]
· Adam Sandler's proves his Happy Madison Productions exists solely to keep his underemployed friends in mortgage payments, producing Bench Warmers for Rob Schneider and David Spade. Make up your own idea for a logline, you'll probably get it in fewer than three tries. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· In a move we're sure has NOTHING to do with Pixar's Cars move, DreamWorks pushes Shrek 3 to 2007. Why not just hold it until the Apocalypse, Katzenberg? It's a great time for opening family fare. [THR]
· Wayne Brady and Frasier scribe Saldin Patterson set up a legal comedy at NBC. Suicide, cutting, and vomiting to follow this item. Not in that order. [THR]
· DreamWorks renews its deal with Ben Stiller's Red Hour production company, banking that it will get more DodgeBall than Duplex. [Variety]

· Adorably creepy child-actor-of-the-moment Dakota Fanning will star in a Paramount/Nickelodeon Pictures adaptation of Charlotte's Web. We once again applaud her handlers' savvy in keeping her busy before she boards the train to Osmentville. [THR]
· Tom Hanks's Playtone Productions sets up reality show/mockumentary We're With The Band at Comedy Central, a show so confoundingly genre-busting that it seems designed solely to circumvent the rules of every professional guild in town. Also, it stars Alanis Morrissette, probably just to piss off the INS. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Vol. XXI: 20th Century Fox Television forces us to remember Maury Povich's salad days by resurrecting "seminal" news magazine show A Current Affair. [THR]
· Stunt casting alert! Zach Braff talks pal Colin Farrell into doing a turn on Scrubs, where he'll play against type as an "unruly Irishman" who "shows up drunk to the set every day" and "shows his penis to everyone in a ten-foot radius" before "vomiting on a gurney." [Variety]
· News That Ten People Care About: The WGA West will re-edit a controversial roundtable discussion about the Guild's problems with an eye on publishing it in Written By, their in-house magazine. Also, Dan Petrie, Jr. is fighting a ticket he got for double-parking on Fairfax. [THR]

· Scott Rudin takes a break from his extremely busy schedule of hiring, torturing, and firing assistants to produce an adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's novel No Country for Old Men for Paramount. He may even have to postpone at least three of his weekly lashing sessions until the project's casting phase. [THR]
· Studios shuffle end-of-year release dates, killing time during the holiday season under the guise of "awards positioning" and "Christmas openings." [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Julianne Moore is in negotiations to star opposite Nicolas Cage, currently the Biggest Star in the World, in yet another Phillip K. Dick adaptation, Next. [Variety]
· "Breaking news": Kanye West nominated for shitload of Grammys. [THR]
· Snarkster comedian Michael Ian Black loses out to Craig Ferguson (say it with us now: "Who the fuck is that?") in the sweepstakes to host CBS's Late Late Show. We think they made up the name "Craig Ferguson" just so Craig Kilborn can sneak back on the air without losing face. [THR]

· Fresh from getting canned by Pat "The Iron Flack" Kingsley, former PMK/HBH No.2 Leslee Dart opens her own company—with a nice stable of her former PMK clients. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Ashton Kutcher looks to star in the drama Random Acts of Kindness, about a suicidal young man who is rescued by a reclusive novelist. The "rescued" in the logline suggest that the novelist doesn't fail in thwarting a Kutcher suicide, so interest in the project should immediately wane. [THR]
· Peter Sarsgaard joins Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx in the Sam Mendes Gulf War project, Jarhead. Sarsgaard probably won't get the opportunity for any on-screen Kinsey-style full-frontal antics, but then again, don't ask, don't tell, etc etc. [Variety]
· Touchstone Television rewards Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry with a three-year, seven-figure overall deal. What does ABC owe him for saving their network? [THR]
· Renny Harlin will develop and direct a film based the graphic novel Full Moon Fever, in which workers on the moon who are attacked by werewolves. The producers should probably double-check that Harlin is still alive before they start casting those werewolves. [Variety]

Buried at the end of today's Variety story on New Line's deal to buy the movie rights to the chick-lit advice manual He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys is a quote that should drive struggling screenwriters to drown themselves in the nearest convenient swimming pool.

· Nicole Kidman will star in the Robert Evans-produced (apparently he's making time to produce in between hottubbing with Brett Ratner and planning his Broadway show) romantic comedy Wedding Season. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Chris Columbus will direct an adaptation from the dregs of Marvel Comics' hero stable, The Sub-Mariner. They're not going to waste any of the good characters on Columbus. [THR]
· The always-innovative Fox picks up "Lost, but on the moon!" pilot Darkside. Prepare yourselves for their coming "Desperate Housewives, but underwater!" project. [Variety]
· New Line Cinema acquires the rights to He's Just Not That Into You, with the book's writers Greg Behrendt amd Liz Tuccillo adapting the non-fiction blockbuster bestseller for the screen. In a related story, we are planning on killing ourselves as a Sex and the City rerun plays in the background. [THR]
· Shitergy Report: NBC Universal sells the syndication rights for Law & Order: Criminal Intent for a record $1.92 mil an episode to sister company USA and sister channel Bravo. [Variety]

· Al Pacino is looking to star in MGM's remake of Witness for the Prosecution, the 1957 Billy Wilder courtroom drama. Good move—these lawyerin' flicks inevitably provide ample opportunity for overblown scene-chewing, a Pacino speciality since Scent of a Woman. [THR]
· A day after Les Moonves crowed about CBS' sweeps victory, former NBC golden-boy Jeff Zucker dejectedly appraises his network's sweeps performance as "good but not great." NBC then announced the midseason series (like the much-delayed boxing flop-to-be The Contender) it will dump into its schedule. Please, someone confiscate Zucker's shoelaces before any of the new shows premiere. [THR]
· Hell-bent on more efficiently liquefying the brains of its young audience, The WB picks up a script based on Plum Sykes's novel, Bergdorf Blondesto develop into an hour-long drama series. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· The Broder-Webb-Chervin-Silbermann agency finally discovers "reality television" and starts a department to rep creatives in this exciting new genre. They're still researching the financial feasibility of starting a "talkies" department. [THR]

· THR chooses slow-retiring Paramount head Sherry Lansing as the winner of the first Sherry Lansing Leadership Award. They'll soon announce plans to change the name of their publication to Sherry!, with Lansing appearing on the cover each month in a new, sassy-yet-sensible outfit. [THR]
· Les Moonves declares CBS' November ratings victory a "watershed moment" And you laugh when we tell you he's going to conquer the planet in a bloody invasion? It begins... [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· SAG/AFTRA contract talks with producers will begin Monday. By Wednesday, we expect to find SAG negotiators curled up in the fetal position, murmuring about how they really didn't want a better deal anyway. [THR]
· So much for those crazy 20th/FBC swap rumors: Gary Newman and Dana Walden sign new contract to stay on as presidents of TCFTV. Well, maybe we shouldn't quite put the rumors to bed...they're all still in Murdoch's stable. [THR]
· Now that they've got Tom Hanks on board, Columbia announces that The Da Vinci Code will hit theaters on May 19th, 2006. Mark your calendars, when you buy them at the end of next year. [THR]

· Sundance director Geoffrey Gilmore complains about an entertainment industry first: They have too much quality in this year's festival! They may be forced to burn several "must see" entries for warmth on the streets of Park City or go insane from their embarrassment of cinematic riches. [THR]
· Matt Damon, determined to typecast himself as Hollywood's greatest superspy, eyes the lead role vacated by Leonardo DiCaprio in the Robert DeNiro directed The Good Shepherd. [THR]
· Harold Ramis and Owen Wilson team up to write and produce an untitled "historical comedy" for Sony. We knew there was still room for another reworking of the Alexander story. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Pamela Anderson is attached to star in a Steve Levitan pilot about a woman with a weakness for bad boys. Also, she has huge, fake tits and is battling hepatitis-C. At least Levitan seems to know what he's doing: "[P]eople sense that deep down, beneath the sexy image, there is a grounded and likable person who they occasionally get to see naked." [Variety]
· Kinsey and Sideways grab nominations for IFP Independent Spirit Awards, which everyone will forget about when they're nominated for Oscars. [Variety]

· NBC president Kevin Reilly tears up with Nielsen nostalgia watching the network's Seinfeld special and realizes just how shitty sitcoms have become. He then vows to find out the "rules" so that he can break them...by setting future shitty sitcoms in wacky places like retirement communities and trailer parks. We can't wait to enter this brave new world filled with endless laughter and originality. [THR]
· Surrender now before Desperate Housewives decides dominating the ratings isn't enough and sends Teri Hatcher to eat the nation's first born. [THR]
· Murdoch underboss Peter Chernin's sweetheart contract allows him to bolt Fox for Disney should the opportunity arise. Other provisions in the contract give Chernin truckloads of cash and stock options in severance, grant him a six-year production deal, and compels Lachlan Murdoch to serve as his butler for "as long as he's needed." [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· NBC promotes Mitch Metcalf to VP of programming planning and scheduling, where he will quickly be devoured trying to solve the Must See TV problem. Sadly, the only solution is begging Les Moonves for a job. [Variety]
· Mandalay Entertainment options the film rights to the as-yet-unpublished chick-litty how-to guide The Hookup Handbook: A Single Girl's Guide to Living it Up. We often facetiously use this space to pray to God to quickly and painlessly end our lives, but this time we're serious. We can only hope the afterlife has no books with neon covers and tips on "how to get him to call you back the next day." [THR]

· News hotter than a narcoleptic possum that fell asleep inside a wood-burning stove: Dan Rather will "step down" as CBS' chief anchor in March. He'll take his mildly brain-damaged, countrified sayings to a full-time correspondent gig with the network. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Desperate to plug the hole left by the end of Sex and the City, HBO gives SATC's Michael Patrick King's Lisa Kudrow vehicle Comeback a quick 13 episode order. HBO usually knows what it's doing, but does the phrase "Lisa Kudrow vehicle" scare you as much as it does us? It's not quite "David Schwimmer directs," but still. [THR]
· Hollywood's most beloved showrunners, Will & Grace's David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, are close to getting their pilot Kings of New York set up at NBC—the same network they're fighting in court. Will the lawsuits mysteriously disappear following a pick-up? Will the show suck as much as Good Morning, Miami? Only time will tell. [THR]
· The recent tidal wave of useless swag pouring forth from Hollywood's promotion departments indicates that the industry is back to its classic, money-burning ways. [Variety]
· Congress OKs the creation of a copyright enforcement czar, establishing a Supreme Pirate Hunter at the federal level. Arrrrrrr and whatnot. [THR]

· Dr. Phil extends his contract for three more years, allowing him to continue making the hard work of ruining America's families look effortless. [THR]
· Halle Berry is cast in Revolution Studios' psychological thriller At Least It's Not Fucking Catwoman Perfect Stranger. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· CBS thinks they're protecting themselves from another incident by choosing Paul McCartney as this year's Super Bowl halftime entertainment, but we predict Super Sunday will be marred by Sir Paul "accidentally" showing us his Prince Albert in the middle of a Wings medley. [THR]
· Desperate Housewives shrugs off all the horrifying, damaging Monday Night Football publicity and continues to dominate the ratings. [Variety]
· Punk'd/Without a Paddle megastar Dax Shepard condescends to star with has-been Dustin Hoffman in Car Wars for Warner Bros. [THR]

· Hollywood's remake fever has jumped to a higher plane of pointlessness: Sam Raimi looks to remake his own well-loved, perfectly good (and not that old) movie, Evil Dead, with a new director. Why, Raimi, why? Has all of that Spider-Man cash finally driven you insane? [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Bryan Singer and Vin Diesel get together...for a new video game franchise, Secret Service. Get your mind out of the gutter before someone from a red state starts reading your e-mail! [THR]
· Ali G creator/troublemaker Sacha Baron Cohen looks to play British comic book detective/degenerate aristocrat Charlie Mortdecai for Warner Bros. Interesting...but this in no way gets him off the hook for Borat: The Motion Picture. [THR]
· · Broadway out of ideas: Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick to continue their evil domination of all things theater in a revival of The Odd Couple. [Variety]
· Jessica Simpson will star in chick-lit adaptation Room Service. Thank God someone is finally ready to really let her talent breath on a movie screen. [Variety]

· ABC will develop erstwhile feature script The Flyover States as a red-America drama series. They're showing admirable restraint in not retitling the project The People Who Ruined Our Lives Because Gays Kissing Is A Sin to pander to viewers on the coasts. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· ABC (again!) gives the Jennifer Love Hewitt comedy project a six episode midseason order. For our thoughts on this unfortunate shitergistic exercise, go here. Then close your eyes and say, "How bad could it be if they dub Hewitt's lines into Pig Latin and make her wear tight shirts?" Well, we'll probably get the tight shirt part without too much of a fight. [THR]
· Catherine Zeta-Jones and Ocean's 12 producer Jerry Weintraub are teaming up again for The Ivy Chronicles. Adapted from the book of the same name, the film would star Zeta-Jones as a Wall Street woman who starts a kindergarten referral service. And the world will team up again with a DVD of Mask of Zorro. [THR]
· ABC publicists obviously worked serious overtime yesterday: ABC submits ratings world-beater Desperate Housewives in the comedy category at the Golden Globes. Good idea to stay clear of those HBO shows. [Variety]
· Michael Goldenberg will adapt the fifth Harry Potter book, as Steve Kloves has opted to work on another Warner Bros. project, adapting The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. Please, be gentle: That book doesn't deserve to be fucked up by some executive who has "ideas" about talking dogs. [THR]

· Disney plans Toy Story 3 without Pixar. That's right, Steve Jobs, Eisner doesn't need you and your hit-making studio, so feel free to sign up with a rival and make huge piles of cash. Just like that Katzenberg fellow.
[THR]
· Rodney and Complete Savages get "back 9" episode orders. Cursory research indicates that these are sitcoms on ABC, and that under no circumstances would we watch either of them. [THR]
· Cinematic Dream Team warning, please shield your eyes before reading on: Spike Lee and Keanu Reeves get together for disillusioned cop drama The Night Watchman. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· With negotiations with producers looming, SAG distracts itself with a bunch of internal legal stuff with lawyers and whatnot. Humph. Actors! What are ya gonna do with 'em? [Variety]
· Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason finishes first at the overseas box office, proving that the world's appetite for skinny Americans pretending to be fat Brits cannot possibly be sated. [THR]

· NBC gains the upper hand in the network fight to exploit 9/11 in a miniseries, gets close to signing Brian Grazer and Ron Howard to executive produce the project. Look for the same kind of sophisticated treatment they brought to A Beautiful Mind, with the hijackers debating their evil mission with imaginary friends. [THR]
· Former ABC president Susan Lyne will take over Martha Stewart Omnimedia. She's charged with the task of trying to smuggle cameras and kitchen utensils in a variety of delicious cakes into jail to keep their brand viable. [THR]
· Schlockhouse Revolution Studios trips over a Philip K. Dick anthology on the way to the bathroom, then signs up Nicholas Cage to star in Next, an adaptation of the Dick story The Golden Man. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· Craig Kilborn's big post-Late Late Show splash is in...The Shaggy Dog remake? Kilborn will play Tim Allen's (the dog/man) incredibly, inevitably smarmy neighbor. [THR]
· Apparently, people won't just watch just any shitty reality show, as My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, The Rebel Billionaire, and The $25 Million Hoax all flopped this week. [Variety]

· Kevin Spacey's is so firmly in the thrall of Bobby Darin after making Beyond the Sea that he's performing Darin's music at the Wiltern with an orchestra. Obviously, Spacey wanted to give THR another opportunity to run that picture of him getting friendly with a microphone. [THR]
· Brett Ratner signs on to direct and executive produce the Fox drama pilot Prison Break. He's wasting himself on television. We firmly believe that Ratner's hacky gifts need to be writ large on a silver-screen canvas to be truly appreciated. [THR]

· Martin "Goldeneye" Campbell is in negotiations to direct the next Bond movie and—no pressure—save the franchise. But first MGM has to find a new Bond. We say truss up Connery and run him out there one more time. [THR]
· Meanwhile, Pierce Brosnan has moved on from dapper spy typecasting to dapper thief typecasting, preparing to do The Topkapi Affair, a sequel to The Thomas Crown Affair. [Variety, sub. req'd.]