Film Threat's released the bottom ten of their annual Frigid 50 list, the rankings of Hollywood's coldest and least-influential players. Inexplicably, the industry's most ruthless power-moppet finds herself languishing among the Hilary Duffs, Ryan Phillippes, and Burt Reynolds of the world:
ABC's annual celebration of overstatement, tear-jerking, and gauzy lense effects, Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005, airs tonight at 10 p.m., and this year's list, while not quite scaling the fascination heights of last year's, is at the very least mildly diverting, especially when your other options are a rerun of Criminal Minds and the Fox local news.
"Listen, Pipi Flavor-of-the-Month-Stockings. You're not going to be 12 years old and adorable forever, you got me? I'd say you've got about 18 months before people start saying, 'Get me a Dakota Fanning in Dreamer type,' your princess phone stops ringing like crazy, and your agent asks if you wouldn't mind sleeping in a veal pen. Look, I'm not suggesting this now, because that would be creepy and wrong, but one day, me and you should do a movie together. You know, when you're 18. Let's not be gross. And I'm definitely not promising anything beyond your name above the title with mine, but look what hanging out with me has done for Jennifer Aniston. I saved her life, basically. Think about it. Oh! My food is here. Run along now, I think someone's making balloon animals over there for you."
Margaret Cho is trying her hand at sitcoms again. We always felt her sponge-bath-administering character Gwen ("My name's Gwen and I'm here to warrrrsh your vagina!") could be the next Ally McBeal, but Cho has opted for the "ethnic, multigenerational family comedy" route that did her in the first time around:
Yes, it was only a matter of time, pardon the pun, before someone launched a fun, old-fashioned Olsen twins-style 18th birthday countdown clock for Hollywood golden cherub Dakota Fanning. The outfit she has on seems ripe for the ripping, but we'll leave that to the Fugly Girls*. Besides, she is just 11 years old! Criticizing her personal style could give the poor girl a complex, and besides, it's just in bad taste.
With all due respect to Rosa Parks' legacy, CBS won't send the checks if we don't help them cast their inevitable M.O.W. If Dakota Fanning's hot enough to force sex changes for characters she's interested in playing, surely her agents can pressure Les Moonves into making some slight alterations to the civil rights legend's life story to better suit their client's bankable gifts.
Quick quiz: This pic is either Dakota Fanning's attempt to a) demonstrate that she's actually human, or b) show off her favorite piece from her torture chamber. Hint: There's not necessarily just one correct answer.
· Now that's commitment: George Clooney gains 38 lbs, bruises brain for Syriana. Let's see that pussy De Niro try and leak spinal fluid from his nose.
· We suppose it depends on what your definition of acquaintance is.
· Model Zeta Graff sues Paris Hilton for slander for allegedly placing an item in Page Six...hey, did you hear that? Yeah, that was the sound of us warming up the toaster we're about to toss in the bathtub. There's only so much we can take in a day where we've pondered Hilton's assflaps.
· Donald Trump reportedly earns $25,000 per minute for a lecture, whether or not everyone in the audience tunes out after the 50th time he uses the word "great" to describe one of his pursuits.
Dakota Fanning is bigger than the Beatles. Are we overstating her current popularity? We are not. When Richard Gere abandons the Dalai Lama to follow young Fanning around, finding her rare combination of preadolescent gravitas and lack of oppressive moralizing refreshing, you will thank us for the advance notice. To wit: The LAT's Richard Rushfield, blogging from the Hollywood Film Festival, discovers that her devoted fans will stake out the ArcLight Cinema just on the chance that she'll make an appearance and grace them with her 'tween John Hancock:
The Today show featured Katie Couric on a leisurely horseback ride with child actress Dakota Fanning, who instead of playing with Barbie is forced to promote her new movie, Dreamer. Fanning is cute enough in her interview, but what truly made us sputter was the utterly absurd lead-in to the segment, in which Couric introduced Fanning's reel by earnestly annoucing it as, "Dakota Fanning, the early years."
At Sunday's premiere for Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story, precocious star Dakota Fanning could be heard whispering some encouragement to her red carpet date: Listen, motherfucker, this is my day! You hear me? MY day. Just keep your head down and no one gets hurt. If I can wipe my ass with DeNiro and Cruise, think of what I could do to a D-list ungulate like you. Nothing to say? Yeah, that's what I thought.
A hungry reader out hunting for reasonably-priced eats in Silver Lake spotted Dakota Fanning, everyone's favorite, eerily precocious child actor (at least since Haley Joel Osment foolishly allowed himself to enter puberty), taking dangerous chances with her health at an eastside eatery.
· One of the many disturbing passages in today's AP profile of Dakota Fanning: "Besides DeNiro, Dakota has worked with an impressive list of actors: Sean Penn in 'I Am Sam,' Denzel Washington in 'Man on Fire,' Brittany Murphy in 'Uptown Girls.'" Once Fanning manages to land a role opposite Sarah Michelle Gellar, she can retire knowing she's shown her chops to all the greats.
· No punchline required: DeGeneres Launches Campaign To Find Reid a Man
· We're sure that if you look hard enough, you can find us somewhere in the list of Chickenhead's Absolute Bottom 50 Blogs, probably somewhere between EmotionallyStuntedPolemicist.com and CelebrityBungLeech.com.
· Note to Michael Jackson trial prosecutors: Make sure that you fingerprint the potentially incriminating pornography before you bring it to court.
· We watched Paula Abdul on the Daily Show, too, and couldn't help but wonder why she was so distractingly twitchy and kept repeating Jon Stewart's words. Drugs are always the easy explanation, but we sense a deeper pathology at work this time.
