• Spencer Winde s documentary Straight Acting, which screens tonight as part of the New York LGBT Film Festival, focuses on the lives of gay men who compete in such macho athletic endeavors as hockey, rugby, and rodeo. We can only assume the latter is of the bareback variety. [Paper]
• LA-based writer Trinie Dalton, says Flavorpill, "pens beautifully strange stories about a psychedelic California that s rarely seen in the light of day." Translation: she s a freak. Check her out at the Court Street Barnes and Noble in Brooklyn tonight at 7pm. [flavorpill]
• Writer Paul Collins newest work, The Trouble with Tom, chronicles the author s global travels to piece together the body of Thomas Paine, the Founding Fathers' very own Jon Stewart. The Daily Show s Tim Carvell and writers JM Tyree and David Rees help Collins unleash the "Paindemic" (Rees's pun, not ours, though we wish we came up with it) at Housing Works Caf at 7:00pm. [Upcoming]

A sex-on-television survey from The Kaiser Family Foundation has been released (we imagine Ma, Pa, Skippy and Cindy Lou Kaiser gathering around a black and white, oak-cabineted behemoth, pen and paper in hand) and the results are disconcerting: Sex, it would appear, is everywhere, beginning with the grammar-deficient lede to this AP report:

What do you buy the infant who has everything? A gold-plated teething ring? A Himalayan yak-hair woobie? A new Beemer? Nah, all the neighbors' kids have those already. Behold, a a fairy tale from Brentwood:

• Edward Albee, Paul Auster, Don DeLillo, Dave Eggers, Rick Moody, Salman Rushdie, Colson Whitehead, Heidi Julavits, Sandra Cisneros, and Philip Gourevitch, among others, are mad as hell about the American government s policy regarding the treatment of detainees at home and abroad, and they're unleashing their considerable literary acumen upon the masses at Cooper Union s Great Hall, site of Pen American Center s second State of Emergency reading. Starts at 7, but lefties might want to queue up a couple hours early if they want a seat. [flavorpill]
• Bloomberg supporters rejoice while all thirteen Ferrer backers out there drink away their pain at the New Yorkers for Parks Election Night Party at the Blue Room. Yes, the call is a bit premature, but we re not exactly expecting Dewey v. Truman here. [Acteva]
• Cyndi Lauper gives you an evening of her time (after time) at the Concert Hall at the New York Society for Ethical Culture. Good to see she's still performing — we sort of thought she was dead. [Upcoming]

• Muslim-by-way-of-Portland blogger Laila Lalami celebrates the publication of her first novel, Hope and Other Dangerous Pursuits, with a reading at the Barnes and Noble on Astor Place tonight. If you re gonna be a Muslim blogger in this country, you might as well be one in Portland. [flavorpill]
• More hot writer-on-writer action at Housing Works Used Book Caf : short story scribe Nathan Englander talks with novelist Myla Goldberg about her latest work, Wickett s Remedy, which chronicles the adventures of a woman during the influenza epidemic of 1918. Timely! [Housing Works]
• Raucous bar band The Hold Steady headlines a show at Webster Hall tonight for self-loathing hipsters. Ben Folds plays Radio City for those looking for something a little easier on the ears and a lot easier on the liver. [Upcoming x2]

Friday:
• Round two of Flavorpill s monthly First Fridays party at the Guggenheim s Russian exhibit offers Michigan boys Matthew Dear and Ryan Elliot on the decks. Because Peter the Great would have wanted you to peep his collection that way. [flavorpill]
• Fresh off some Times-sponsored fellatio, Swedish outfit the Shout Out Louds play to a packed house at Bowery. [BB]
Saturday:
• The Endangered Species Band wraps up the New York Gypsy Festival at Maia Meyhane. Can t say we attended many of the Festival s offerings, but we did find the cutest boho skirt on Ludlow Street... [flavorpill]
• Matthew and Eleanor Friedberger, the brotha-sista duo who comprise The Fiery Furnaces, perform at Northsix in Williamsburg tonight. Eleanor also doubles as the fashion muse of Gawker's own Intern Alexis, so Alexis will be there, drunk, for you to take advantage of. Just make sure you give her a courtesy call the next day or we'll have to spend the next week coddling her. [North Six]
Sunday:
• Uh, scantily clad, sweaty folk running all over Manhattan? Count us in. [NYCMarathon]

• Chrystie Street Gallery kicks off their NYC Photobloggers exhibit with a reception tonight at 7:00pm. Buy a photograph and put bread on the table for a Lower East Side hipster near you. [CSG]
• French video game giant Ubisoft throws a multimedia extravaganza at the Walter Reade Theater to herald the upcoming arrival of their King Kong game (as well as the actual movie). Attendees will likely be the only people frumpier than Kong director Peter Jackson. [flavorpill]
• $56.50 to check out Triumph the Comic Insult Dog at Town Hall tonight? Joke's on you, buddy. [Town Hall]

• Can you believe that Gothamist s Moveable Hype concert series is already on its fifth installment? Yes? Oh. In any case, Bravo Silva, The Cloud Room, The Capitol Years, and Snowden perform, funnyman Aziz Ansari hosts, and the entire thing will end up on Flickr. [Paper]
• At the Museum of Jewish Heritage, Gabriel Sanders, Features Editor at the Forward, moderates a panel discussion featuring Times Op-Edite Nicholas Kristof and author Laurel Leff on why, exactly, the media has dropped the ball on genocide reportage from the Holocaust to Darfur. [MJH]
• A little post-genocide pick-me-up? Multiethnic hipster pep squad The Go! Team bring their pom-poms and flair ribbons to Webster Hall tonight. [flavorpill]

• Finally, an academic lecture we can identify with: Dr. David Weir, a comp lit prof at Cooper Union, gives a talk on Absinthe, the drink of choice of hipsters from Van Gogh to Joyce before Pabst and Red Stripe came along and watered down the fun for everyone. [Cooper]
• Artists, designers, public officials, transportation experts, and tax-industry reps present concepts for improving the New York City cab at Parsons' "Designing the Taxi" showcase at Tishman Auditorium. Here's our concept, free of charge: lower the fucking fare. [TONY]
• Over at the Baruch Performing Arts Center, the Aquila Theatre Company present their reworking of H.G. Wells' The Invisible Man as a paranoia-filled metaphor for our nation's futile war on "invisible" enemies. If that sounds a bit high-minded, Gwen Stefani plays Madison Square Garden. Holla back! [flavorpill and Upcoming]

There's a word for a crazy person who gets off the proverbial bus in Los Angeles, her entire life crammed into a suitcase, and expects that one day, the entire world will know her name: "actress." And while it's easy to paint these ambitious individuals with the same, dismissive brush of insanity, it's important to distinguish between the kind of actress whose emotional turbulence results in a nervous breakdown when you point out she's bungled your lunch order, and the kind whose melodramatic suicidal tendencies propel her to success. The Simon shares an anecdote about the latter type of "L.A. Nut":

If you're anything like us, Halloween is an excuse to drink enough alcohol to kill a baby elephant, dress up in the clothes your mother thinks you delivered to the Salvation Army for her a decade ago, and stumble out into a throng of grope-happy strangers to temporarily blunt the psychic damage of 16 years of Catholic school. But because the Fun Police want to make sure that this annual purification ritual can't reach the level of total catharsis, they've once again banned the use of Silly String, a crucial prop in any self-respecting pagan orgy. They've covered Hollywood Boulevard in signs warning of $1,000 fines (pictured: one from last year), leaving scores of partyers whose costumes rely on the playful simulation of voluminous ejaculation scrambling to modify their outfits. We have faith in our fellow debauched masqueraders, however, and are confident that they'll find a alternative, legal way to splooge all over unsuspecting passers-by, probably one involving a weapons-grade mixture of Redi-Whip and a name-brand depilatory. They can take away our Silly String, but they can't kill our spirit!

• At Scenic s "I Am an Evil Halloween Party" bash: a live freak show, human flesh-hook tug-o-war, go-go girls, and the opportunity to inflict bodily harm on yourself for a nominal prize. No time like Halloween to admit you re into weird, freaky shit. [Paper]
• It's officially Gay Christmas when the village's annual Halloween parade gets rolling. If you want to participate, get wasted and be on 6th Avenue between Spring and Broome by 6pm. [About.com]
• Hate the costumed festivities? Tony Kushner, novelist Maureen Howard, slap-happy cultural critic Stanley Crouch, and Herman Melville scholar Andrew Delbanco take part in a Moby Dick-themed intellectual circle jerk at the 92nd Street Y tonight. We didn t read it in college, and we re not reading it now. [TONY]

Friday:
• Tonight Show host Jay Leno appears at the 92nd Street Y to discuss comedy and his new children's book. Friday night in a room with Jay Leno may be the only thing more depressing than sitting alone in a room watching him during the week. [92Y]
• If it's a bit too early for you to be getting your Halloween drink on (pussy), head to Pioneer Theater's All Night Vampire Movie Marathon. Six films screen tonight — some conventional (Bram Stoker's Dracula), some not (Nicholas Cage's turn as a NYC literary agent-turned-blood-sucking-vampire in 1989's Vampire's Kiss. Sometimes, the jokes write themselves). [flavorpill]
Saturday:
• A Halloween party for the self-obsessed Cobra Snake set: you and your friends dress up as a gang. Pictures are taken and then projected on the walls. DFA's Tim Sweeney and James F*cking Friedman are among the DJs. All at Supreme Trading in Williamsburg. [flavorpill]
• As if you needed further evidence that Halloween is just an excuse to dress like a slut: Scenic hosts Rated X: The Night of the Living Whore tonight, complete with a hot body competition. [Paper]
Sunday:
• A bit of culture mixed in to your weekend revelry: Flavorpill notes that Jon Kessler's multimedia exhibition The Palace at 4am at P.S. 1 is a "skeptic's take on EPCOT," where "whirling kinetic sculptures of surveillance cameras and video monitors pull viewers down the rabbit hole of representation, leaving us to find our way out again." We sort of like our blackout holes drunk, thank you. [flavorpill]

• Author A.M. Homes and playwright Adam Rapp kick off KGB Bar's reading series on behalf of Behind the Book, a nonprofit dedicated to improving literacy among students in low-income public schools around the city. What have you done for the local community today, asshole? [Paper]
• Over at the New York Public Library, Bill Clinton and historian John Hope Franklin (the man tapped to run the former President's Initiative on Race) get together to discuss how to best "destroy the color line that continues to divide our country." Good luck with that one, fellas. [NYPL]
• Artist Chuck Close discusses arts education, activism, architecture, and, of course, painting with Parsons' Dean Paul Goldberger at the school's Tishman Auditorium. Bring your own limited-edition print of Close's head for signing! [flavorpill]

• Are you convinced your book idea can become the Next Great American Novel with a little editing help and a publisher? Head on over to Strand Books tonight, where reps from Publisher s Weekly, Time-Warner, Harper Entertainment, and other houses will be on hand to either fluff you or crush you. [Upcoming]
• Just get the bad news that your pitch is not, in fact, publishable? Drink to shattered dreams at The Sexy Magazines and Vacancy Records party at 64 Gansevoort Street. Open bar all night with a $12 donation. On the bright side, no one will bash your sophomore effort. [Shindig]
• What s a punk rocker to do to combat bands like Good Charlotte that tarnish the genre? Write poetry and fiction, duh. At least that s what former Voidoids frontman Richard Hell does. Check him out at the Poetry Project at St. Mark s Church. [flavorpill]

• Michael Gross appears at Strand Books tonight to discuss his latest work, 740 Park: The Story of the World s Richest Apartment Building. The shitty weather is sure to nicely complement your vicarious depression. [Strand]
• Bill Laswell presents the first of Six Nights of Iconoclast Drum n Basss at The Stone tonight. Party like you re on the southside of London circa 1996. [flavorpill]
• Martha Wainwright, young sis of Rufus, performs at Bowery tonight. We re still waiting for the Wainwright/Sedaris Sibling Smackdown on Pay Per View. [Paper]

The WSJ has updated its story on Shake-Me-Down Elmo and the Hole in the Boulevard Gang to include this amazing reader-submitted photo of the LAPD's dramatic Elmo/Mr. Incredible sting operation. These grisly, public beheadings are sure to serve as a powerful deterrent the next time Painfully Skinny Spider-Man and his toady, SpongeBob DirtyPants, think about helping themselves to a tourist's wallet.

• Joan Didion continues her quest to launch the biggest publicity campaign for a book since Bellis spawned Lunar Park when she reads from The Year of Magical Thinking at the Paula Cooper Gallery tonight. Pennypinchers, be forewarned: You re required to buy the title from 192 Books before attending — perhaps so you can read along! [TONY]
• New Canadian "It Band" Wolf Parade plays a sold-out show tonight at Bowery Ballroom. If you can t scalp a ticket, go home and listen to Arcade Fire on repeat. [Upcoming]
• Actors Steve Buscemi, John Ventimiglia, and Aida Turturro join a mystery musical guest in reading excerpts of screenplays from upcoming films by murdered Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh. Take a wild guess who he s related to. [Paper]

The sidewalk in front of the Chinese Theater may seem like a Tinseltown paradise where delighted visitors cavort with shabby versions of their favorite movie characters, posing for no-strings-attached pictures with Batmen and Charlie Chaplins before returning to measuring their extremities against the Chinese's world-famous concrete monuments ("Mommy, Tom Cruise's hands are the same size as mine!"). But this is Hollywood, after all, and things are rarely as innocent as they appear. Concerned that many of these characters were shaking down tourists for tips, the LAPD called a Starving Superhero Summit to lay down the law, and when the super-behavior didn't improve, the cops went deep undercover:

Friday:
• Put on your comfy pants and amble on over to the Knitting Factory for the kickoff of the Lebowski Fest, celebrating all things related to the Coen brothers' cult classic, The Big Lebowski. Tonight, Bling Kong plays followed by a midnight screening of the flick. White Russians presumably provided. [flavorpill]
• Betsey Johnson and other designers allow their stock to rapidly plummet at the Milk Gallery's Pony Project, where they dress and decorate My Little Ponies in an attempt to make your girlfriend coo. [TONY]
Saturday:
• Zombiecon kicks off at 42nd Street and 5th Avenue at 1 P.M., where a bunch of fun-loving freaks dress as the undead and then run around town "devouring" tourists. Anything to de-clog Midtown, we say. [flavorpill]
• Madonna is rumored to perform at the Roxy, only to have her producer Stuart Price ruin the magic with his DJ set at Misshapes afterwards.
Sunday
• You know you'll be up bright and early to make the 7:15 A.M. registration for the Metropolitan 20Km Racewalk, right? 90th and 5th Avenue, if you're feeling psychotic. [Upcoming]