• Quality of Life is the #1 underground film according to MySpace. Seriously, do you need another reason?[Paper]
• Tomorrow night's Neko Case show is all sold out, but you can still hop on the bandwagon for tonight. That would techinically make you ahead of the curve. [BB]
• The Occidental Guest is a mixed-media display of the sort of post-post-post-craziness one has come to expect from artist Matthew Barney. Go for the inscrutable intellectualizing, stay for the probable Bjork sighting. [flavorpill]

• The Whigs, Rolling Stone's latest darlings, trek all the way from Athens, GA to play at Pianos tonight. Catch them now, while they're still unsigned and unspoiled and still excited to play at fucking Pianos. [Pianos]
• ESPN.com's Dan Shanoff leaves the satellite television just long enough to host the first-ever Varsity Letters reading, where sports writers share those very important life lessons they learned during the big game. See what happens when jocks learn to type tonight at Happy Ending. [Varsity Letters]
• A Road Map of the Soul, a festival of Krzysztof Kieslowski's films, will teach you everything about moral dilemmas and the human condition, but it won't teach you how to say his name. Some things are better left secret. [flavorpill]

· Hottest Hollywood Assistants has made a bold return after a brief webhost-related absence, and now features permalinking ability for individual profiles, in case you really need to direct a coworker to the humiliating pictures you posted of him on the site.
· Bob Ross: The Video Game. No f'ing way!
· Hey! Clooney eatin' a hot dog!
· PR Masterpiece Theater Presents The Total Ignorance Ploy: "Kidman's U.S. rep told The Scoop she has 'no idea' if the story is true, adding, 'I'm afraid [I've] never heard this before!'"

It's been too long since last we checked in with Andy's Blog, Bravo network executive Andy Cohen's little name-droppy, oversharing corner of the blogosphere. Sadly, there were no further celebrity psychoanalytical word games, though Harry Connick, Jr. does get a rave review in his starring role in The Pajama Game revival on Broadway, followed of course by the requisite backstage introduction ("He was all Southern Charm.") We must admit, though, we were thrown a bit when Cohen went on to talk about a recent car purchase, in which he partook in some unabashed homo self-loathing in the hopes of netting nothing more than a good deal on the deluxe leather interior package:

• A ballet inspired by yoga and NPR: it really can't get yuppier than the James Sewell Ballet's "Guy Noir." Stroke your inner Bobo tonight at the Joyce Theater. [flavorpill]
• Down on Hipster Lane, Bowery Ballroom hosts Art Brut with The Ponys and Bling Kong. Show your Pitchfork Media card at the door and enjoy free attitude all night! [WUNY]
• The Suitors, the debut novel from Ben Ehrenreich (son of Barbara), is earning young Mister Fancypants comparisons to Jonathan Safran Foer. Shower him with pellets of jealousy at the Astor Place Barnes & Noble. [Paper]

• Jason Forrest and Duran Duran Duran (no, not a typo) hit Northsix tonight. Enjoy some live music, or yell "Hungry Like the Wolf!" between songs and piss off everyone around you. Whichever you like. [flavorpill]
• S-O-S-H-U-L R-E-J-E-K-T-Z: The Scrabble Club for Bad Spellers convenes tonight at the 11th Street bar. Beware the undercover spelling bee champion, who'll take you for every last vowel. [Upcoming]
• 2+ hours of Bj rk on film? Thank god; tonight was shaping up to be rather uneventful. [Paper]

Saturday's LAT story about the billboard (pictured above) featuring Chris Farley's image to advertise a new addiction treatment at first struck us as an April Fool's Day gag, but then we realized that the Times' lawyers would probably burn down their headquarters before exposing themselves to a lawsuit over a joke. The mastermind behind the billboard, which is going up over Sunset Boulevard at Crescent Heights today, explains their innovative marketing strategy:

Friday:
• You remember Lysistrata from high school — it's the Greek play where the women withhold sex until the men stop warring. Giggle inappropriately like you did back then, tonight at the New York City Opera. [flavorpill]
• David Sedaris, the Gay Ambassador to the Red States and the Reading Ambassador to People Who Don't Usually Do So, hits Town Hall tonight. Hop on the bandwagon and see if you can spot Hugh. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• An 80s face-off: both the Pretenders and the Flaming Lips still exist, and they're playing at Town Hall and Webster Hall, repectively. Decide whether "Back on The Chain Gang" or "She Don't Use Jelly" is more important to you, and proceed accordingly. Either way, you'll only be staying for the one song. [Upcoming]
• Wanting a little more from your music? With their powers combined, Kieran Hebden and Steve Reid do something involving jazz, electronics, and improvisation that will surely fit your elitist needs. [flavorpill]
Sunday:
• It's sunny and warm. Spend some time outside, you pasty douche.

• Jonathan Lethem's Motherless Brooklyn is "celebrated," while Darin Struass's Chang and Eng is "internationally best-selling." Pick the winner at their joint-reading tonight at NYU. [CWP]
• The Belladonna of Sadness is not, in fact, a Jennifer Aniston documentary, but rather a little-known Yamamoto animated erotic masterpiece. Next week: the lost Smurf porno epic. [flavorpill]
• The Editors are sold out, but you can make a concert in your apartment with Ben Cho's new show on East Village Radio. It's just the same as a live show. Promise. [Upcoming & Paper]

Normally, we couldn't care less about Broadway...but how fucking adorable does David Schwimmer look in his sailor suit? We bet his castmates can barely restrain themselves from pinching his cheeks every time he salutes them onstage. We really, really hope that someone casts him in the stage version of The Right Stuff, just so we can see him in an astronaut costume.

Courtesy of an operative watching some action unfold over by the Burbank studios, Sign #12,574 That People In This Town Take Themselves Far Too Seriously:

• Ridykeulous, an art show curated by A.L. Steiner and Nicole Eisenman, lives up to its name with pieces featuring castrated penises and papier-mache beavers performing cunnilingus. Fun for the whole family — especially crazy Aunt Joan. [flavorpill]
• All of the Belgian and none of the waffley carbs: singer/songwriter Arno performs tonight at Joe's Pub. Syrup still an option. [Paper]
• The 92nd Street Y kicks off a Carl Jung series tonight with "Word and Image." At $25, it's way cheaper than your local shrink. [92Y]

Early this morning, a panicked reader e-mailed to ask us what happened to the Hottest Hollywood Assistants site, which has been replaced by a splash page announcing that their web account has been suspended, worried that her ability to assign comically low numerical ratings to the industry's indentured chore whores might have been compromised by a conspiracy of high-level agents. Fret not, children, as the site's evil masterminds have assured us they've merely blown through their monthly bandwidth allowance, are currently "changing servers," and should be back online later today. There's no foul play involved, unless you want to count the fake profile of the harness-adorned "assistant" fucking a tailpipe that recently appeared on the site.

The folks at the Coffee Bean on the corner of Sunset and Fairfax really know who their customers are; for a limited time, their decadent Bolivian Lemon Bars will be served with a razor blade and on a special-edition mirrored plate, but patrons must supply their own rolled-up twenty-dollar bill.

• Artist John Currin is credited with redefining the portrait tradition in the postmodern era. Go and ask him what, exactly, that's supposed to mean, tonight at the New School. [flavorpill]
•The good folks with ADHD bring you another installment of Ritalin Readings tonight at Mo Pitkins. If you've not yet attended, do try to experience the joy of readings limited to 5 minutes or less. It's the only way it should be, really. [Ritalin Readings]
• Snow Patrol plays tonight at the Bowery Ballroom. Maybe if you listen hard enough, you can figure out what the fuck their name means. [Upcoming]

The purity of the Hottest Hollywood Assistants site has already been compromised, as several jokesters not content to waste hours rating actual future industry power-players unwillingly (we hope) put up for superficial scrutiny have created fake entries for Beaker (at least he's an assistant, though everyone knows it's for tyrannical, eyeless madman Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, not Kermit), Sloth from The Goonies (more enforcer than assistant), and David Hasselhoff (an employee of Knight Industries, not Devon Miles' coffee boy). We're a little disappointed that Lloyd, Ari Gold's Entourage abuse-magnet and the de facto face of an anonymous class, hasn't yet made an appearance, though we can't be sure he's not in there somewhere—we've only clicked through the rotation of photos a thousand or so times today.

Nothing brings out the drunken college kids like the first vaguely warmer days of spring. (We drunken out-of-college kids drink proudly and consistently, heedless of weather.) So suddenly, here they are. And they're confusing us. To help us understand the folkways of this exotic tribe, we asked Gawker Mascot and amateur anthropologist Andrew Krucoff to don his trusty pith helmet, enlist earnest documentarian Nikola Tamindzic, and head to the remotest depths of the Central Village — the native habitat of this unusual people — to investigate. After the jump, his reports of beer pong, fake IDs, and the dreaded Look of Shame.

On Friday, someone alerted us to the tracking board chatter accompanying the launch of HottestHollywoodAssistants.com, a Hot Or Not-esque online beauty pageant for the industry's desk slaves. At the time there weren't any assistants to rank, but now it seems that the site is well-stocked with up-and-coming talent ready for your numerical evaluation, a pool that we assume has been contributed almost solely by prankster co-workers or petty enemies bent on payback for bad phone etiquette. It seems that assistants all over town are already punishing their fellow call-rollers with artificially deflated scores; can it be possible that the average rating of underlings in the world's most image-obsessed business is a sad 3.5 out of 10? Put aside your professional jealousies for a moment and stop penalizing that pretty boy at the agency across the street just because you suspect he's blowing his married boss.

• Sin-e hosts the New York Press' Indie Label Jones showcase tonight. Requisite free PBR and bands you've never heard of included. [NYPress]
• There were only two listings on Flavorpill today, and White Rose Movement cancelled their gig at Mercury Lounge — so you're left with homocore DJs, burlesque, and political drag artists at Joe's Pub. Thanks, but the real fags will probably be at home exercising their crushes on Jack Bauer. [flavorpill]
• It's all Daily Show, all the time tonight at the UCB Theater: correspondent Dan Bakkedahl has the 9:30pm spot; shaggy-haired zeitgeist chronicler Demetri Martin follows at 11. [UCB]

Morgan Spurlock, the amiable everyman documentary filmmaker who nearly died for our McNugget-craving sins in his anti-McDonald's cautionary tale, Super Size Me, has found himself once again the object of controversy, this time for a lecture he gave to a group of 700 suburban Philadelphia high school students: