• Henri Bendel hosts a one-month sweater sale; fashion editors proceed to spend .05% of their annual salary on items that will be used as presents for their very unstylish relatives. [WUNYC]
• Shrinking wages! Reduced pensions! Say it aint so! For only $25, a few upper middle class people, including former senator John Edwards, Wall Street Journal editor Stephen Moore and author Barbara Ehrenreich remind you of your place in the caste system. [NYM]
• Once again, we're amazed at flavorpill's never-ending fragments. Brazilian vocalist Otto dabbles in "hip-hop, post-psychedelic Brit-hop and traditional Afro-Brazilian maracatu with ambient techno rhythms and funky bossa nova samples." There's also some mangue percussion in there somewhere. [flavorpill]

Friday
• The woman who survived being licked by Andy Dick at the roast of William Shatner describes the feeling of his tongue on her flesh. You know you want to know. [Paper]
• Greek blogging mogulette Arianna Huffington reads from her new book, On Becoming Fearless. Suck up to her and maybe she'll fly you home on her private jet. [NYM]

• Legions of nerdfans flock to Mormony Jeopardy! champ Ken Jennings, who shares from his memoir, Brainiac: Adventures in the Curious, Competitive, Compulsive World of Trivia Buffs. Single females ages 21 to 34 are encouraged to attend. Please. [Ken Jennings]
• The Brooklyn Adult Recorder Choir devotes three hours to the grade-school instrument of yesteryear. Wow. Brooklyn really IS awesome. [NYM]
• For the Conflux Festival, urbanites embark on a smelling tour of Williamsburg under the guise of "psychogeography. " Wow. Brooklyn really IS awesome. [flavorpill]

• Hipster Handbook scribe Robert Lanham cautions against mullet-sporting conservatives as he reads from his latest satire, The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right. Appropriately, the reading is at a church. The afterparty, also appropriately, is at a bar. [FreeWilliamsburg]
• Indie band Rogue Wave play at indie venue Warsaw in non-indie neighborhood Greenpoint. Chaos ensues. [flavorpill]
• Add a couple of Jewish geniuses to trivia spectacular the Big Quiz Thing and you get the Big Jewish Quiz Thing. The Semitic smackdown features guest appearances by former Gawkette Jesse Oxfeld and Gawker's co-pilot, God. [14Y]

The owner of Kitson, the oft-tabloid-namechecked Robertson Boulevard boutique that offers the celebrity-obsessed the first opportunity to express their allegiance in various high-profile domestic squabbles through a trendy t-shirt purchase, is suing Us Weekly, the glossy that once delighted in publicizing the shop's free-spending, celebutard clientele, alleging that some legal feuds between the two parties have led the magazine to stop obsessively documenting the comings and goings of his business's famous patrons.. The LAT documents the currently chilly state of the two parties' relationship, which was once was as warm and snuggly as one of the store's sale-priced Cambodian babies nestled in an Ugg boot:

• The New York Public Library celebrates fashion week by having the fashion elite discuss fashion. Speakers include Vogue queen Andre Leon Talley, People queen Martha Nelson, and Project Runway queen Tim Gunn. Only those carrying "4 pounds" of Vogue are guaranteed admittance. [Paper]
• The Starbucks Salon hosts 12 continuous hours of "organic electronica." We don't know what that is either, but isn't adorable how the 'Bucks is all "indie" and "community" now? Bah. [flavorpill]
• The Apple SoHo store once again proves its supreme awesomeness by hosting the cowbell connoisseurs from The Rapture as they perform songs from their new album. [WUNYC]

• Dunno if you heard, but it's 9/11. Tonight, important folks discuss the 9/11 Commission Report and at an event appropriately titled, "September 11, 2001: Five Years Later." Don't expect an open bar at this one. [flavorpill]
• Writers Dan Bakkedahl of the Daily Show and John Lutz of SNL perform their four-person improv routine with two people. Even with the cast shortage, it's guaranteed to be funnier than actually watching SNL. [UCB]
• Every awards show has a catchy acronym these days. Tonight the JMAs - Jewish Music Awards - feature Hassidic rapper Y-Love among others. Save your Hora moves for the after-party. [Oyhoo]

By now it's certainly no secret that American movie stars often make a quick buck overseas by taking on the kinds of commercial endorsements that might be frowned upon in the States. (And yes, we're still thinking about Ben Affleck extolling the tail-attracting powers of deodorant spray, a gig so irredeemably cheesy that Nick Lachey starred in the shot-for-shot remake here.) What surprises us is that Ed Harris is even famous enough in Spain, where these Dewar's ads are currently running, to move the booze he's hawking. We can only assume that there's some kind of weird Spanish reverence for the drinking ability of character actors who never really got over the leading man hump.

Friday:

A couple of reports have come in about a lunchtime brawl at power-eatery Barney Greengrass, complete with grown men rolling around on the floor, brave, intervening waiters, and nearby agents trying not to have their meals ruined by badly aimed fists. Assistants all over town are scrambling to figure out the identity of the combatants to win points with their gossipy bosses, but in the interest of getting to the bottom of this, here's what we've heard:

• After a three month delay due to "bad weather,", would-be CIA agent Anderson Cooper finally speaks at the 92nd Y. New York rejoices, Chelsea dances, and Julio starts to sing. [NYM]
• Conde Nast presents Fashion Rocks. Inhale. Christina Aguilera, Beyonc , Bon Jovi, The Black Eyed Peas, Daddy Yankee, Jamie Foxx, Jay-Z, Elton John, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, Nelly Furtado, The Pussycat Dolls, Rihanna, Scissor Sisters and Kanye West, all part of Fashion Rocks. Exhale. Breathe. There's a chopper waiting to take you there. [NYM]
• So you think you can dance? Drop it like it's hot with Japanese hip-hop legend DJ Krush. Complimenting the performance are three break dancers, two turntables, and one scantily clad groupie. [flavorpill]

Merely donning a set of Kevlar wings and having a teamster raise and lower you by rope-and-pulley may not be enough to fully cement your status as Earthbound Angel, but gifted sonbgird and frequent online romance seeker Clay Aiken will soon be able to fully lay claim to the title:

• Liberals congregate in Central Park to hear prose from David Hare's political play Stuff Happens. Liberals agree Bush is an idiot. Liberals exchange phone numbers in hopes of a future booty call and/or husband. Everyone goes home happy. [flavorpill]
• Sir Elton Hercules John serenades Manhattan power couples, and anyone else who can afford a $500 ticket, with heartfelt renditions of Candle in the Wind and Can You Feel the Love Tonight at a benefit for his personal AIDS Foundation. A magenta tuxedo is optional. Waterproof mascara is mandatory. [NYM]
• The Varsity Letters Reading Series features sports-based readings from dudes who play Fantasy Football. Tonight it's Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer author and Styles trendmaster Warren St. John and BoSox bitch Seth Mnoookin. [Paper]

Dr. Drew Pinsky—always available on his call-in radio show to lend a compassionate ear or some valuable advice regarding the pleasure-enhancing benefits of removing one's retainer before performing oral sex—has released the data of an ongoing study he's been overseeing at USC. Setting out to answer the ancient, chicken-and-egg riddle of whether fame creates the narcissist or vice versa, the hallowed halls of science have finally spoken: It seems that abnormally high levels of preexisting amour propre run throughout both aspiring and accomplished celebrities, with an off-the-charts spike occuring among the subgenus of Realitus famewhoreum, aka, reality TV "stars":

It's not just General Motors who have withdrawn their advertising from Survivor: Cook Islands: Major corporations like Coca-Cola, Home Depot and Campbell's Soup have also opted not to sponsor CBS' foray into competitive ethno-Darwinism. And while a Campbell's spokesperson insists the decision was made "back during the upfront," we imagine the show's race vs. race premise certainly helped cement their decision; after all, familiar, comfy sentiments such as "Mmm mm good," and "You Can Do It. We Can Help," become that much harder to sell when immediately following a contestant's meanspirited implorations to, "Paddle harder! The Chinamen are gaining on us!" But not everyone has shown a reluctancy to the series' concept: Since the announcement, white-supremacist internet boards have been ablaze with excited chatter about what the series could do for their cause. From TV Week:

• Murder! (Abe Lincoln is assassinated). Sex! (Yet, Mary Lincoln preserves their "eternal love.") Betrayal! (Mary's only son threatens to put her in an asylum.) Violence! (Mary fights politicians). Set it all to song and dance, and Asylum: The Strange Case of Mary Lincoln makes its Off-Broadway premiere. [Paper]
• Celebrities, socialites and a few lucky mistresses will congregate under Capitale's 65-foot ceiling for the invitation-only party celebrating the 25th anniversary of Guess Jeans. Underage and underpaid magazine interns stalk the streets of the Lower East Side in hopes of catching a glimpse of Lindsay Lohan. Go ahead, you know your cameraphone wants you to. [WUNYC]
• Dance to the Presets as they engage in "electro stabs and candy-coated squelches." They're Australian, so do it for the Crocodile Hunter. [flavorpill]

According to local station Fox 11's website (the broadcast network can't seem to make itself interrupt a partiuclarly riveting episode of Cops), there's a hostage crisis in progress over on Wilshire:

Friday:
• 1) Ted Leo and his anthemic Pharmacists make their annual stopover at
South Street Seaport tonight, this time with "ruffian punks" DC
Snipers and "hype brewing rock kids" Tokyo Police Club. Nothing quite
so punk like politically-charged lyrics on a quaint tourist-mobbed
Pier. [flavorpill]
• 2) If ever you were looking for the chance to meet Andy Roddick and
test out the speed of your serve, this is it: Tennis Magazine hosts
"Grand Slam," an assortment of pre-US Open festivities at Grand
Central Terminal today. [nymag]

• The latest offering over at McCarren Pool: New Pornographer Neko Case, harpist Joanna Newsom, and singer-songwriter/Rufus sibling Martha Wainwright. And the indie boys swoon. [flavorpill]

Perhaps one of Hollywood's most transparent dick-measuring rituals masquerading as friendly, if business-tinged, competition is the industry tennis match, where the Important gather at private residences and pricey clubs to determine whose racquet handle truly requires a two-handed grip, then angrily slap around some fuzzy balls until total physical superiority is proven. This week's NY Observer takes a look at the State Of Tinseltown Tennis, identifying the most exclusive, high-powered games in town and featuring interviews with the business's notable enthusiasts, but we were most struck by this section of the article, in which a description of a once-legendary-but now-in-disrepair court seems a clear stand-in for its once-legendary-beturtlenecked-producer-who's-seen-better-days owner: