On The Times' op-ed page today, Daily Show with Jon Stewart writer Tim Carvell imagines what the NFL might've suggested to Sir Paul McCartney for his Superbowl halftime show. The NFL's taking no chances, according to Carvell:

That Take Back The Music campaign is really hitting home.
R&B Singer Houston Gouges Eye Out After Apparent Suicide Attempt [VH1]

The bitchy queens at Datalounge have taken a shine to Project Runway's Austin Scarlett, who claims he's not totally gay. Uh-huh. So lipgloss and fashion design are the marks of heterosexuality, eh? Anyhow, when they're not debating his sexuality/talent/do-ability, they're so kind as to reveal the quoi of Scarlett's je ne sais quoi: he's a perfect cross between Hermey the would-be dentist from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and a young Yves St. Laurent. We knew we had seen him somewhere before.
The Austin Equation [Timmy Ray]
Austin Scarlett Thread [Datalounge]
Austin Scarlett [Bravo]

A spy reports on the Q & A following last night's Back to the Future screening at the ArcLight, which featured a no-show by the series' director that was nearly redeemed by the appearance of Marty McFly's girlfriend from the first installment..until the actress bummed out the crowd with that most reliable of buzzkillers, the cancer anecdote:

Straight up now tell us: what was the deal with Paula Abdul on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart last night? Her usually perky American Idol persona is nowhere in evidence in this video from ComedyCentral.com.

We asked, and you bravely answered the call of duty. The all-in-good-fun answer key to today's brain-busting blind items:

· Anyone got a couple of jobs for some industry bigwigs with falling stars? Unpaid internships, at the very least? Send all openings to Michael Eisner and Harold Evans. In the interim, the two will be holding court on at the 92nd Street Y for a discussion on the pleasures (money!) and hardships (losing money!) of being a media conglomerate. [92Y]
· Paging Ms. Jolie: you've got competition. Bonnie Raitt once said she'd drink a vial of Mali-born storyteller/guitarist Habib Koite's sweat. How pleasant. Mr. Koite plays with Bamada, his West African rhythm section, tonight at S.O.B's. [flavorpill]
· Canadian short fiction superstar Alice Munro appears at Paula Cooper Gallery tonight. Actress Joan Allen reads. Reservations and amphetamines required. [NYer]

She committed a crime: why are we being punished?

We're not sure if it's new or not, but HowardStern.com contains a photo of show regular Artie Lange and his Village People-esque facial hair (right).

Update: In our haste to be vicious—and because Variety is written in an argot slightly more understandable than Esperanto—we misstated Tina Fey's relationship to the sitcom pilot from Paula Pell: She is not executive producing it. Fey is exec. producing a different NBC sitcom about a variety show (again, from the school of "write what'cha know"). We regret the error, but the below quotes are still an interesting insight into... something. And we still think the show might be like The Biggest Loser, only funnier.

I was sure I'd paid a lifetime's worth of journalistic dues after spending a strange Sunday evening with the inanely chipper celebu-lurker/frozen-food-flack Jonathan Cheban (despite the shiny hair, we're still pretty sure he's the fourth horseman of the publicist apocalypse). But once I received a package chock full of Cheban's Clarendon shirts (sized to fit), I realized the public deserved more. You're hungry. You know you want it, so please feast your eyes upon Cheban's designs, as worn by anonymodel Greg. We're sure you'll see plenty more of these spectacularly pricey cotton threads during Fashion Week, no?

We tried to get lazy, but you wouldn't let us. As such, here's today's blind items from Page Six, all of which you should find suitably challenging:

Bad idea of the year: The Godfather: The Video Game.

Even we find it too easy to take the piss out of this Daily News headline.
Judge whizzes thru Jacko jury [NYDN]

Six more weeks of winter, blah blah blah. There's a more fabulous issue a-brewing this morning:

· Jennifer Pitt and Brad Aniston are reportedly still living together, wearing their wedding rings, and have been spotted holding hands. Please, sweet Jesus, help them reunite for the sake of perfect babies. [R&M]
· Frail cosmetics queen Olivia Chantecaille and boyfriend Eric Villency have ended their socialite-y romance. Somewhere, David Patrick Columbia sobs in a darkened room. [Page Six]
· Has Martha Stewart been violating prison rules by doing business over the phone? US Weekly reports that she's been speaking in code during certain phone calls; we imagine Martha's Pig Latin is flawless. [Lowdown]
· Supermodel Kate Moss may have ended her brief relationship with ex-Libertine horseman Pete Doherty, but Doherty isn't taking no for an answer and has told Britain's Channel 4 that he wants to marry Moss. [Page Six]

Today's 'Page Six' has a feature story on

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whether or not The Times accidentally spoiled the end of

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Clint Eastwood's

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Million Dollar Baby. Apparently, in a piece on

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activists protesting

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... You know what, go read it yourself if you're not afraid of spoilers.
TIMES HEADLINE SPOILS FLICK [NYP]

Dear Charles Isherwood,

We're getting a little concerned that The New York Times is running out of ways to write about blogs. Today's 'Dining In/Dining Out' section has a piece by Julia Moskin on angry waiter blogs:

How interesting: this poll, found on the website for Essence magazine's Take Back The Music campaign, directly contradicts the campaign itself.
Take Back The Music [Essence]