While drunk Republicans in impoverished cities that their party allowed to be literally drowned just might deserve whatever the fuck they get, there's no indication that a Republican couple was beaten up in New Orleans last Friday for political reasons.

Police have arrested a 63 year-old man in a string of at least seven sexual assaults near UCLA in the past month. This is the sketch that helped identify him. That is a drawing of a 63 year-old man. [LAT]

Police in Athens, Tennessee were questioning 30 year-old Robert Sherk in his car about unlicensed door-to-door meat-selling. They spotted a half-smoked joint! Sherk swallowed it while police watched. Now he's in jail. Many interesting things going on here. [AP]

A Michigan man will soon be tried for bio-terrorism because he is HIV-positive, and he bit his neighbor. He has been charged with "use of a harmful biological device." The device is him!

Yesterday we learned that one of Donald Trump's "rich girl" employees had stiffed a poor quaalude dealer out of thousands of dollars. Today we learn that quaaludes are not just for the rich; teachers are all luded up, as well.

In the aftermath of Haiti's devastating earthquake, Obama has emerged as a leading criminal figure and "menacing underworld force" controlling a "robbery empire," reports The Washington Post. No, no, not President Obama—Haitian Gang Lord Kidnapper Obama.

A crazy has been arrested for making threats against Nancy Pelosi. I am guessing the eventual details of this one will be a doozy. "One official said the man is believed to have spoken directly with Pelosi at least once."

We all know Donald Trump's been having a rough recession. But have things really gotten so bad that even his "rich girl" employees can't afford a few thousand dollars worth of 'ludes?

A 64-year-old Washington man was arrested and charged with threatening the life of Senator Patty Murray, after leaving dozens of voicemails about her support of the health care bill. We have highlighted the sources of some of his complaints.

Senator John Ensign may be indicted for "structuring," a fancy term for inventing made-up financial transactions to avoid embarrassing disclosures, like paying your mistress $96,000 to go away, which is what John Ensign did.

Those wily pirates are at it again, this time grabbing a South Korean super tanker loaded with Iraqi oil bound for the US. Double steal.

"He thought if he could save one chubby girl, then he's done his job." An Indiana man on a "mission from god" to keep girls slim destroyed $200 of raw meat by stabbing it and smearing it with dog food.

A mysterious figure has been breaking into luxury boutiques in the early hours of the morning and stealing only the finest luxury goods like $260 jeans and $23,000 of designer sunglasses.

This is ironic! American Apparel, the Cain to Dov Charney's Serpent (if we're to believe the Jewish version), just held a "rummage sale"—where items are sold on the street at a discount—in London. It caused a riot, naturally.

Stefano Tonchi landed one of the most coveted jobs in fashion when he was named editor of W ten days ago. Good thing he doesn't start until April 12. He went on trial today in Beverly Hills for a DUI.

Patricia Edwards walked into a Sanford, FL Bank of America branch last week and robbed it—because, she later explained, "it was something I had on my ‘bucket list.'" Patricia has leukemia, but it's not terminal. She's just terminally awesome.

Russian tabloids don't play. Life News has published photos of the severed heads of the two female suicide bombers who blew up the Moscow subway trains earlier this week. Do not click through unless you really want to.

An enraged customer crawled through the drive-thru window of a South Brunswick McDonald's because his Fish-O-Filet sandwich was taking too long. Inside the restaurant he assaulted an employee, shouted threats, then absconded with his food.

Wealthy developer Robert Brot is suing Lindsey DeLeon for more than $100k, charging that the younger woman took advantage of his love, ripped him off, and became a prostitute. But! Lindsey says Brot was her pimp. Plus: Hot new pixxx!

The cops arrested someone for threatening Eric Cantor over the weekend, proving him right about everything. Here is the threatening man demanding that the film Babe be removed from video stores, because he is God, and Lucifer was a pig.