The Way We Live Now: Engaged in inexplicable schemes. We like to say "Oh, it was just the dementia," or "Oh, it was just our fundamental misunderstanding of our own economic system." But who's to say we're not just crazy?

A militant, Midwestern Christian group called the "Hutaree" was reportedly the target of government raids this weekend. Their leader, Raddock "RD" Merzonick, was arrested, and now, their web site is being attacked by internet trolls armed with gay porn.

After Eric Cantor is done apologizing for lying about his office being shot at, he should probably do something to address the gun problem in his district—which is apparently so bad that bullets are raining from the sky.

Conservative activist/performance artist James O'Keefe and his gang-that-couldn't-tamper-straight will plead guilty to reduced charges.

The man behind the largest series of identity thefts in US history, Albert Gonzalez, has been sent to prison for ripping off 40 million credit card numbers, mostly from TJ Maxx. His Asperger's syndrome excuse didn't work in court. [FT]

Another Times bombshell! The governor drafted a statement in mid-February saying his violent pal, David Johnson, did not beat up his girlfriend, Sherr-una Booker. Paterson wanted Booker to back this up, but she wanted no part of "a lie." [NYT]

An Indiana woman is blaming a $10,000 robbery on a Facebook update, and some point the finger at PleaseRobMe.com, which "raises awareness" of the dangers of Twitter, Facebook, and FourSquare updates revealing empty homes. [AllFacebook, NewAlbanyNT]

Google's GMail will now alert you whenever someone on another continent ogles your inbox, assuming said hacker is too dumb disguise his location, in Poland or wherever. Hey, we're not implying Polish cybercriminals are stupid. Google is.

Private security mercenaries shot and killed a Somali pirate who tried to jack a ship off the African coast yesterday. And "International navies have killed about a dozen pirates over the past year." Where is the love? [WSJ]

Brazen Fifth Avenue Ninja Heist yesterday! Guys. Guys. Look. Ninja Heist!

Charges against Al Sharpton's ex-wife and daughter for allegedly cussing at cops during a traffic stop have been dismissed. The New York Post reserves the right to continue charging them with being related to Al Sharpton. [NYP]

An internet cafe in Moscow was attacked by two arsonist earlier this week. A security guard fought the arsonist's quite valiantly.. but in the end, the bad guys won.

A human with fangs pistol whipped and bit a Manhattan cabbie five times, leaving the victim with visible vampire scars that he may have for the rest of his life.

A 27-year-old Reno native named Justin Massler was arrested yesterday for stalking Ivanka Trump. News reports have described Massler as an obsessed fan with "a crush" on the socialite/heiress. His vicious tweets and violent comics suggest otherwise.

Justin Massler of Reno, Nevada has been arrested for "stalking" Ivanka Trump, online. That's the same Justin Massler who threatened to kill himself after we wrote about his objectively crazy horse-themed letter to the NY Observer. Get well soon, Justin.

TVNewser reports that, according to documents filed in a Florida court today, ABC News paid $200,000 to the family of accused toddler-killer Casey Anthony in exchange for photos of the toddler she allegedly murdered.

The last thing Yelp needs right now is a public imbroglio with an upset internet luminary. But the local-reviews website sure has one, on top of many new lawsuits from merchants and an embarrassing tiff with Google.

Facebook agreed to think about installing an anti-pedophile "panic button" following a "frank" (read "heated") meeting with a British minister over the death of a 17-year-old Facebook user, the BBC reports. For those who turn to Facebook when they panic.

The US Federal Appeals Court is doing its part to make sure America doesn't turn into boring, sexting-averse Dubai or some other nation without sexy nude teen girl pix on everyone's cell phone, all the time. Thanks, court pervs!

Twenty year-old Jennifer Mercado was a juror on a credit card thief's case. So she stole a fellow juror's credit card. And used it on her lunch hour. And came back to court with the stuff she bought. Winner. [NYDN]