Hmm. Strange. Our top comments of the week have earned their writers this mysterious trail of breadcrumbs, which appears to be leading to a place in the distance. Where? Perhaps we'll find out very soon...

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, which means there's no better time for our best commenters of the week to win a romantic getaway nestled in Joaquin Phoenix's roomy, hoax-abetting beard. So who won?

This week's best commenters get a Shane Hurlbut custom light-tweaking in the room of their choice! Just don't get hot and bothered if he does it while you're, uh, doing it. So who won?

After this arduous week of battletweeting, it's time for the commenters who've done the best job to sit back and uncork some congratulatory Vitamin Water. Don't worry, kids: we've spiked it. So who won?

Kate Winslet isn't the only one to get some surprising news this week—our best comment-writers have just been nominated for a Best Actress Oscar, even if they campaigned in Supporting (or are men). Who won?

You'll have to forgive us, but there's a hot tub party at the Zankou Chicken condo that has more boiled boys n' girls bits than a Real World: Brooklyn reunion! Meanwhile, here's your winners:

This week's comments were so great that compiling Comments of the Week involved a lot of difficult choices. Thus, the winners have a hard task, too: divvying up their prize of one clairvoyant breast each.

Thanks to the truncated holiday schedule, this special edition of Comments of the Week actually honors the last two weeks. But what a prize: a beloved blogspot with few tears or scratches! So, who won?

What better gift for our great posters than a great poster? This week's best comments earn a glossy 27x40 of Hollywood's terrible lizardmen flop, Delgo! Like the film, it's never been viewed. So who won?

Bravo to the scribes behind this week's five best comments, for they each win a "party sheep" vetted by Zac Efron. We don't really know what that is, but kudos! So, what comments won?

What a week! Lest we forget, Pop Culture Doomsday opened its gaping maw in Hollywood, and all we had to fend it off was the wit of our commenters. Now that we've managed to collect the survivors (currently receiving generous, Niacin-heavy recuperation at the Celebrity Centre), it's time to announce our five favorite ripostes, whose authors will each receive their own wholly unnecessary film remake. So who's set to star opposite Jaden Smith in a reboot of the Problem Child franchise, and who will be helming the Zac Efron starrer Say Anything? On to the winners:

As consumers brave Black Friday amidst a crippling recession, it's comforting to know that our comments of the week have earned their writers a truly priceless present: a Bambi Award from Karl Lagerfeld himself! "I admire you, not only for your snark, but also for your energy," said Lagerfeld. "You are to be reincarnated as the Norse god Loki, or as a muted palette in the Chanel resort collection." Congratulations (we think?) — now, on to the winners:

Do you have Twilight fever yet? You may acquire that, plus a communicable disease, if you're one of the five lucky commenters to win this week's COTW prize: a bite on the neck from Twilight star Robert Pattinson! Runners-up, you get a disinterested peck on the forehead from Pattinson's costar, the barely-roused Kristen Stewart. Try a little harder next time, OK? On to the winners!· Old No.7 on Shoot Your Eye Out This Christmas In The 'Christmas Story' House!: No tongue stuck on the pole? Damn, those Prop 8 bastards are everywhere! · taraniso on 5 Suggestions For Improving the Generally Hideous 'Jonas Brothers Concert Movie' Poster: Three powerful, yet visually stunning, bolts of lightning. Not for the photo, just in general. · Wendy_Kroy on Kim Masters Attempts to Lay Out Defamer-Sourced Case for Ben Silverman's Homosexuality: Coming soon... Beijing Ben: Delicious Journeys Through Upfronts for the Purpose of Making Clueless Writers Cite Defamer for Homosexual Rumors. · CollierLibra on Possessed Serial Killer Deidre Hall Loses 'Days' Gig In Soap Opera Restructuring: I love that a real guy named Drake plays a fake guy named John on a soap opera. · metroville on New Chuck Norris Fact: Thinks Gays Are Anarchists: I hate it when people mistake the public's ironic enjoyment of them for merit. Congratulations to all our posters. May your weekend be full of impossibly chaste teen romance! (Except in cases where that's against the law.)

It's a very happy Halloween for five of our commenters, whose grace, wit, and snark under pressure will be rewarded in a cash prize of valuable Sherri Shepherd currency (not accepted at most U.S. retail locations). Congratulations! Now, on to the Comments of the Week: · YahooUnserious on Courtenay Semel's Stirring New Catchphrase: 'Google Me, You Dumb Fuck': "Yahoo! Me" is something she only says to other girls. · Wrapitup on As Ronald Reagan on 'The View,' Elisabeth Just Says No To Joy Behar: Going butch and brunette suits Hasselbeck so much better. She looks like an adorable Puerto Rican twink.· NoWireHangers on Gay Men And 13-Year-Old Girls Unite In Protest Against Cut Zac Efron Shower Scene: Based on Zac's arm motions, it appears the song was "Y-M-C-A." · Tiger_Tanaka on Arrest Of Bill Pullman's Son Reveals The Ravages Of Moonshineface: I'd be upset too if my werewolf transformation was interrupted. · mwynn13 on Here's Joe Francis Bashing Lindsay Lohan's Girlfriend, Samantha 'Rosnan': I thought he generally approved of the path of young ladies pretending to be gay. Nice work, Top Five. For the rest of you on this fine holiday: here's a toothbrush.

It's time for Comments of the Week, and boy, do we have a prize for our five finest wits. We've managed to secure an intimate evening for each of you with Gary Busey's dog! We warn you, though: while Snowball doesn't eat much, he likes to stay up late and bark a lot about nothing in particular. Now, on to the comments! · scroll_lock on CAA's Bryan Lourd to Carrie Fisher: 'Your Codeine Made Me Gay': "This is just like the time I OD'ed on St. Joseph's Baby Aspirin and woke up as Rip Taylor. Confetti is a bitch to vacuum up." · Old No.7 on Samuel L. Jackson on Obama: 'Nobody Wants to See an Angry Black Man': "Nobody wants to see an angry black man? Then explain why Whoopi is so popular on The View."· NoWireHangers on Lesbian Starlet Supply Tainted By Roosevelt's Corpse-Water Pool: "Oh please, a corpse is no worse than what's usually in that pool." · OldTowneTavern on Toronto 30 Rock Ad Interrupted By Porn: "Nancy Cottenden [said], 'We acted very fast to get it off.' My, my but those Canadians are some truth telling people." · Scrumptrulescent on Watch Joe Biden Dunk Elaine On America's #1 Married-Lesbian Talk Show: "We all know Ellen would have hit it on the first throw." Congratulations to this week's top five!

Comments of the Week! Last Friday, we gave our star commenters the prize of a corner table at the Grill, but they forgot to tip their servers (and really: all those limoncellos at 11am?). This week, we're awarding the writers of the five best comments a double date with Alex Rodriguez and a hirsute, learning-to-love-again Madonna. Enjoy! · classicfantastic on Mark Wahlberg To 'Crack' Andy Samberg's 'Big Fucking Nose': "Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to fight with Andy Samberg." · TenTimesFiltered on Drunken Dialects of the South, With Your Guide Dennis Quaid: "I've never seen The Big Easy. Does he get bitten in the mouth by snakes at the beginning?"· Benny on Is This Your New Spock From 'Star Trek,' Or a Melty-Faced Katie Holmes?: "Mr... Spock... I'm... going for more beer! Check you... later... braugh!" · Tiger_Tanaka on UTA Riles Some With Its 'Black Boy Chained To Monkey' Lobby Portrait: "The guy is sad because the monkey's outfit is doper than his. That picture was taken inside UTA's mailroom, right?" · Tyrol_Kyd on Travis Barker Not a Fan of Hospital Life, Ex-Wife Shanna Moakler: "He's just jealous because she can get rid of her burning sensations with a simple dose of Valtrex." Congratulations to this week's top five! Oh, and a word of advice: Don't bring up Sarah Palin. Madge can be a bit touchy about that whole thing.