What a week! Lest we forget, Pop Culture Doomsday opened its gaping maw in Hollywood, and all we had to fend it off was the wit of our commenters. Now that we've managed to collect the survivors (currently receiving generous, Niacin-heavy recuperation at the Celebrity Centre), it's time to announce our five favorite ripostes, whose authors will each receive their own wholly unnecessary film remake. So who's set to star opposite Jaden Smith in a reboot of the Problem Child franchise, and who will be helming the Zac Efron starrer Say Anything? On to the winners:

· A Pimp Named DaveR on Lindsay Lohan Still Stymied By Rocky Myspace/Facebook Transition: Someday all of us, male and female, will be able to log in and see "You have poked Lindsay Lohan"....

· icallthebigonebitey on Peeved Elisabeth Hasselbeck Tells Noted Indian Scholar to 'Go Light a Bowl of Incense': Elisabitch is confused as usual. "Glitter Glasses Whatshisface" is Elton John. "GURU Glasses Whathisface" is Deepak Chopra.

· it takes a lot to laugh on Roman Polanski Kindly Asks For Official Removal of 'Statutory Rapist' From Resume: "I did not have sexual relations with that statue."

· Tiger_Tanaka on Arriving Astride Winged Serpent, Satan Himself Announces Rinna/Hamlin Reality Show: He made ANOTHER deal with them?

· Miss d on Lapdance Inferno! (Blaze Put Out at Body Shop Strip Club): Lucky - or they'd have to change the sign to DEAD NUDE GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS...

Congratulations to our winners!