It's common knowledge that Cornell University—the Ivy of Ithaca— is America's douchiest college. But how is that douchiness manifested? The toga party invitations annually sent out by one of Cornell's athletic teams shed some light on this question!

Oops. Yale University recently announced that the names and Social Security numbers of 43,000 people affiliated with the school were publicly available online for about 10 months. Ivy League institutions, they're just like us: completely and utterly exposed.

Looks like our little Dakota Fanning is making good on her plans to attend New York University, almost mater of the Olsens and James Franco's West Village sleep-n-study center. Good for her!

Today we heard that for-profit colleges might be going the way of the dodo. Yay! Those places are kinda bunk. And their recruiters are so aggressive, as one commenter can tell you.

You probably remember being in school and looking across the cafeteria at all the mysterious, differently-hued people huddled at their own table on the other side of the room and asking yourself, "Why are all those weird [black/ white/ Asian/ Latino/ Unidentifiable] kids sitting together? No wonder we are so racist." Then you continued telling racist jokes to your own racially homogenous table.

Americans are smartening up and staying the hell away from school. We recently came to our senses and started avoiding law school. And now, we're avoiding fake colleges, as well. We'll make something of ourselves yet, fellow Americans!

Rising Cornell sophomore Cristina Lara wants her school to abolish its 50GB/month student bandwidth limit. (To use more, students have to pay.) "Internet usage is free in virtually every college and university in the country," Cristina writes in a petition, "and it's also free among all 7 other institutions in the Ivy League." Sounds reasonable.

For the past 25 years, John Schneider has been a tenured religion professor at Calvin College, a Christian school in Michigan. Not any more! Schneider has left his job because he didn't want to cause "harm and distraction" by pointing out the existence of science.

Most college freshmen only find it necessary to be mortified by their roommate, their room decorations, their dorm mates, the difficulty of the classes, their struggles with newfound freedom, their all-too-frequent intoxication, and the overwhelming sense of being a lost and anonymous soul in a brand new environment in which nobody loves them. Now, at least one school is working to ensure that they're also mortified by their own lack of physical fitness. Progress!

You may be resting in your dorm room, listening to your Beatles and smoking your "bong" pipe and composing your protest march folk song without a care in the world, secure in the knowledge that college degrees are kind of worth the money, more or less. But are they? Well, maybe not for you, hippie.

Now we know why Gov. Rick Perry is aggressively trying to change Texas' state university system to one where teachers are paid by how much money they bring in, and students are treated like "customers": It's to take on revenge on the professors who gave him horrible, no-good, very bad grades during his college days.

Rudolf Alexandrov, a 71 year-old adjunct math professor at Chestnut Hill College in Philadelphia, reportedly "became agitated" just before his 5:30 p.m. class in the St. Joseph's Hall building (pictured) Wednesday night.

CNN is reporting a possible armed man on Virginia Tech's campus, the site of the 2007 massacre that left 32 dead. The campus is on lockdown as police search for a man possibly carrying a handgun. The good news: Class isn't in session.

Perhaps you've been congratulating yourself on having less than $200,000 in student loan debt, telling yourself your own student loans aren't so bad. Well, stop that! The 2010s are the decade of "Feeling Bad About Your Student Loans."

Today we looked at the yearly list of America's top party schools. All colleges party, but some party more. Does yours party more? It just might! As one commenter pointed out, there's a formula to discussing this type of thing.

When looking at the Princeton Review's annual college rankings, no one (cool) cares about academic ratings or student to faculty ratios, or any of those silly stats. No, all those people care about is which schools have the most kicking ragers in the whole country. Here they are.

Last week, immigration officials raided the University of Northern Virginia, a for-profit college that was recently the subject of a report on student visa scams. Is there anything that could possibly make this boring story about immigration loopholes and higher education interesting?

The July/August issue of Yale's alumni magazine had an alumni note—one of those little message-board-style missives that lets all your classmates know what you've been up to—that caught Ben Smith's eye. It's from Sam Taylor, class of '73:

According to a transparent and successful piece of marketing linkbait bullshit survey, a full quarter of college students would give up sex in order to, let's see, [fill in the blank.]

Olivia Pepper, "Student, NYU," has written a charming little ditty for the Huffington Post entitled "Why I'm Not Working This Summer." It starts with the most ominous opening sentence in the history of oblivious first person essays: