Oh, Gwyneth, you swanned back into the spotlight by hiring a stylist to put you in a string of mini-dress and S&M heel combos, but then the fun and games ended and your unparalleled talent for making people dislike you reared its ugly head. Last weekend you offended rich Hamptonites by refusing to breathe the same air as them at a benefit. Then on Saturday night you dissed Madonna by not showing up to her 50th birthday party. Today the media has branded you an enemy of defenseless animals.

Everyone's favorite self-styled yet mildly unhinged teen role model, Atoosa Rubenstein, has brought new life into the world. The Daily reports that Toos and husband Ari "welcomed their first child Friday night, a daughter named Angelika McQueen Rubenstein." Which means the family share initials, just like that other hirsutely classy clan, the Kardashians. We can only hope that Atoosa, Ari and Angelika are fielding reality show offers as we speak. [The Daily]

Rudy Giuliani would like you to know he's really, really busy. So busy, in fact, that he hasn't had a single second to reflect on why his candicacy for president imploded. "I have three, four, five things all going on at once," he told the Times over the weekend, mentioning trips to London, Ukraine, Switzerland, Japan and Kazakhstan, his busy schedule campaigning for John McCain, and his efforts to bolster his consulting/security business Giuliani Partners and the law firm where he serves as a partner, Bracewell & Giuliani. But is Rudy really that busy? What happened to all the golf he was playing?

• Comedian Jack McBrayer, best known as NBC page Kenneth Parcell on 30 Rock, paid $1.374 million for a one-bedroom apartment at 200 West End Avenue, the new luxury condo development by architected Costas Kondylis. [Cityfile]

Given that every other TV show these days features members of the public performing not quite like trained monkeys but more like average humans with personality disorders (sometimes the disorder being simply that they don't have them: The Hills returns tonight!), it's no surprise that a school has been founded to help aspiring reality stars realize their dreams. At the New York Reality TV School you can learn how to be a more tantrum-prone, attention-seeking, outrageous and, if you know what's good for you, bisexual version of yourself.

That photo in this month's Portfolio of NBC chief Jeff Zucker dressed in an immaculate Nike outfit, without a single bead of sweat on his shiny bald dome as he crushed a serve? "The profile coincided with the Olympics. In the picture, he's dressed head to toe in Nike. And Nike happens to be spending a fortune on the Olympics. You do the math," says an NBC tipster. It's possible Zucker was also hoping to capture some of the sexiness of Roger Federer, the tennis star who wears similar Nike outfits and carries similar red tennis racquets. That won't be happening any time soon, of course. But Nike must be pleased with Zucker's dedication to the brand, no? "I suppose when an advertiser is spending that much money, it's only fair that the CEO of the network does everything in his power to promote it," says the tipster. Maybe Zucker should just be happy the company didn't insist that he wear a Rafael Nadal-style bandana.

The Post has spotted a new real estate trend: apparently quite a few people have paid more than $45 million for apartments and townhouses recently. This "new stratosphere" includes Harry Macklowe ($60mm), J. Christopher Flowers ($53mm), Phil Falcone ($49mm), Dan Loeb ($45.8mm), Jon Tisch ($48mm) and Len Blavatnik, who paid $50 million to acquire a 15,000-square-foot townhouse from "Seagram's president Edgar Bronfman Jr." Bronfman hasn't served as the president of Seagram for about a decade now. But let this slip-up serve as a lesson to us all! If you take over your father's immensely valuable liquor empire and then sell off the pieces to fund your misguided investments in the music and film industries—and lose billions of your family's money in the process—you may be forced to downsize.

When one pictures the New York Times' fearsome literary critic Michiko Kakutani at work, the scene is of a book-lined, slightly dusty apartment, with Kakutani frowning over the book in her lap, perhaps with pencil in hand, getting ready to eviscerate a new novel that disgraces itself in various ways. A TV is most definitely not flickering in the background. But it seems that this image of Casa Kakutani will have to be revised, as she apparently just watched TV for the first time!

Congrats, Andy Samberg, you've reached the big 3-0! The good news? You still look 24! Others celebrating today: Ed Norton is 39, Patrick Swayze is 56, and comedian Denis Leary is 51. ACLU president Nadine Strossen is 58. Frances Bean Cobain, the spawn of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love, is 16. Christian Slater turns 39. ABC's Bob Woodruff is 47. NFL star Jeremy Shockey is 28. And writer, director, and international fugitive Roman Polanski is 75.

Dick Parsons says he has no plans to run for mayor and that Mike Bloomberg should serve another four years. We believe it! If he were gearing up to campaign, would Parsons2009.com really still be available? [NYM]

• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi officially tied the knot in front of 20 guests at their Beverly Hills home on Saturday, exchanging handwritten vows and Neil Lane rings. Ellen wore a pants suit; De Rossi opted for a Zac Posen gown. [NYP]

• Analysts are steeling themselves for a loss of as much as $1.8 billion when Lehman closes out the third quarter in a few weeks. [WSJ]

• How to lose your job. Gracefully.

Fans of Gossip Girl will be happy to know that the Upper Brookville estate where the cast filmed two upcoming episodes (including scenes from the "white party" episode with Tinsley Mortimer) is currently on the market. That means that for the low price of $12.9 million, a piece of Gossip Girl history can be yours. And while it might be cheaper to bid on an autographed poster on eBay, that's not going to come with five acres, salt water swimming pool, and 65-foot ballroom, is it? Below: more photos of the house for all you rabid fans of the show.

• The New York fashion scene will soon be bereft when Sean Avery heads off to Texas to join the Dallas Stars. But he'll remain a ubiquitous presence on the city's billboards and buses as one of the models in Gap's fall campaign, which launches today with Liv Tyler, Ginnifer Goodwin, Georgina Chapman, Julia Restoin Roitfeld, Scott Schuman, Leigh Lezark, and Cecilia Dean. [style file/Elle]

Those teeny little smart cars that seat two people and look like they'd collapse like an accordian if you had a fender bender with a taxi? Despite plenty of criticism of Daimler's new Fortwo ("FOR-twoh")—"I felt I was in a car priced at about $10,000 and built in some Eastern European factory devoid of modern robotics," and "It feels a bit like a kit car, one my Dad and I might have built in the driveway," writes BusinessWeek—the model has been selling briskly. Between January and July of this year, Daimler has sold 13,958 of the eight-footers, which if you weighed them all, would still only equate to about four Hummers.

• Chris Matthews has been missing from Hardball this week because he has pneumonia. [TVNewser]

Tom Cruise walking Katie Holmes to rehearsals for her Broadway show ... Donnie and Marie Osmond performing on Good Morning America ... Taylor Swift leaving and then returning to her Midtown hotel ... the Jonas Brothers getting mobbed outside the Trump International Hotel ... the stars of the Dutch version of High School Musical eating lunch at Pastis ... Royston Langdon and a mystery brunette leaving Pastis ... and Beyonce and Jay-Z walking out of the Waverly Inn.

How's this for scary: Moms are dragging their little girls to salons to have bikini waxes: "One New York City salon, Wanda's European Skin Care Center [see here], boasts on its Web site that children 8 years and older can get discounted waxing for 'virgin' hair." [MSNBC via Jezebel]

Vikram Pandit - Profile, Gallery, News [Cityfile]