The New Jersey white supremacist couple that named one of their offspring Adolf Hitler will not regain custody of their children, an appeals court has ruled. The children were removed from the house because of a domestic abuse situation.

A source tells legal website Above The Law that Christopher Stone, the horrible 31-year-old pornographer who owns the tween gossip site StickyDrama, has enrolled in Southwestern Law School. And he's selling StickyDrama—bidding starts at $25,000!

Playboy's safe-for-work blog The Smoking Jacket has finally found its niche: lazy, amoral deadbeat dads. Headline from the site's first-ever Deadbeat Dad column: "How to Use Your Two-Year-Old Child As a Drug Mule." Sounds promising!

Is your child hungry? Like, really hungry? The most caloric kids meal in America is reportedly Friendly's Mac & Cheese Quesadilla. With the drink and dessert that come with it, the meal has 2,300 calories.

We've heard Mel Gibson tell Oksana Grigorieva she "deserved" getting punched. Now, a fight about his daughter: "You hit me and you hit her, while she was in my hands." Mel's response: "You need a fucking kick up the ass."

Let us pray for Peggy Noonan, important dingbat Wall Street Journal columnist, for she is in a state of sadness, despair. She despises today's elites, the Youths: the politicians, the bloggers, the "Facebook jockeys." Who shall smite these incompetent infants?

This weekend was a big boffo one, that saw the continued takeover of the children, the continued power of Twilight, and the continued progress of the gay marriage movement. Come, let's take a closer look.

This Brazilian baby may be the most talented infant ever to grace YouTube's "dancing baby" genre. I'm not sure how he has so many moves, or why his balance is so good. Perhaps he's a prodigy of dance?

Wendy's was forced to stop giving out a free disco CD with their kids meals after parents complained about the lyrics to Donna Summer's "Last Dance." Specifically, the part of the lyrics where Donna sings, "I'm so horny."

Two sexy underage teens were in the midst of their "very first kiss as a couple" when a Google Maps van snapped their picture. Now Eddie Bateman and Hayley Moss are recorded for posterity getting it on behind a bush.

A 19-year-old girl is working the media circuit claiming that Jon Benet murder suspect John Mark Karr had a sex change operation and now leads a sex cult dedicated to diddling five-year-old girls called "The Immaculates."

According to The Sun, a Chinese father chained his son to a lamppost and tried to auction him off, advertising his work ethic. After being asked about the child's diet, the father was attacked by bystanders. [The Sun]

Cha-chung! Who needs Law & Order when the Supreme Court dishes sexy, hardscrabble rulings, like they did today: "Sexually dangerous" offenders may be jailed indefinitely, but child offenders may not. Sexually dangerous children will be condemned to hit TV shows.

School districts annually admonish Take Your Child to Work Day as disruptive to education. They're missing the point: This holiday sucks because the only thing more boring than their schools is your job.

When she turns four, Ruby Dickinson will use a specially-designed miniature tattoo gun to ink a spider on her dad's leg. This will make her the world's youngest tattoo artist. Peaches Geldof has her wobbly little hands on retainer already.

The ruined economy might pay off for the lucky children of Klamath Falls. The county school district is considering shortening the school week to four days to save millions of dollars a year.

Men! Women! Babies! Moms! Fruits! Vegetables! Cancer! Wormholes! Elements! And a whole lotta what-the-hey. It's your science watch column, where we watch science—with one foot on the event horizon!

"He thought if he could save one chubby girl, then he's done his job." An Indiana man on a "mission from god" to keep girls slim destroyed $200 of raw meat by stabbing it and smearing it with dog food.

Families that dance to Beyonce together stay together—until they tell an adorable three-year-old son "You're not a 'Single Lady,'" and he bursts into adorable tears. Come, witness the chilling sting of anti-three-year-old boy discrimination.

A Massachussetts gun club has settled with the parents of Christopher Bizilj, a child who lost control of an Uzi at a gun fair, while aiming at a pumpkin, and shot himself in the head. He died shortly afterwards.