"About 17% of [child] food-related asphyxiations are caused by hot dogs," say pediatricians, who add that wieners are ruthless child-killing machines, "the perfect plug for a child's airway." They demand an immediate redesign for the meaty assassins. [USA Today]

Wasn't there a porno about this? As long as children enjoy watching sexy avatars cry "That's sticky!" as they are repeatedly sprayed with semen, this video game will be a success. Screenshots inside.

Yes, a Florida 6-year-old went so bananas at school two days in a row that the police had to have her thrown in the looney bin. She kicked, screamed, threw things, and punched her pregnant principal in the belly!

What fresh hell is the fact that this sentence—in New York's cover story about kindergarten meritocracy—is necessary: "The fact is, 4 is far too young an age to reach any conclusions about the prospects of a child's mind."

Brian Cox can pull off menacing and acerbic like few others (the Bourne movies, Manhunter). He legitimizes terrible movies (Chain Reaction, The Long Kiss Goodnight). But his best role to date is teaching Shakespeare to adorable children.

Disney's beloved panda-rodent mascot is getting a video game makeover, and it'll give you more nightmares than the time he emptied all those buckets for that jerkface sorcerer. Because this time the nightmares might be, um, sexy?

People have been turning to drug dealing and donating blood to remain afloat amid the recession, so it's probably natural that some parents are trying to make ends meet by forcing their kids into acting and modeling in the hopes of turning them into mini-ATM machines.

Oh, look, Jenna "Jenna Bush" Hager is on a morning television show, performing "journalism," for Americans. Finally!

Nothing is more anti-American than telling children to stay in school, which is why Mr. T was arrested for espionage in 1984. President Obama, though, thinks he's above the law, so parents are boycotting his upcoming address to schools.

In your desperate Thursday media column: America's toddler journalist has a lesson for Wolf Blitzer, college football wants to muzzle bloggers, newspapers burn, and ESPN magazine is mad cheap!

Question: How can the children be the future of America when they, the children, yearn to be naked, and their liberal, Obama-loving parents allow them to run around with their little wee-wees and va-jay-jays hanging out all over the place?

Is there any creature full of more self-entitlement than a suburban parent? Yesterday, a bunch of kindergartners didn't get to tour the White House because they were an hour late. Their parents are outraged and, no, they won't reschedule because they're too busy, Mr. President That Hates Children.

You hear about people finding out years after a one-night fling that they have a kid they never met, and you think, "Wild, but I can see how it happened." Then you hear about Larry King's "long lost" son, Larry King Jr., and you think, "Larry King is insane."

Ugh. The story of the Slumdog Millionaire kids just keeps getting sadder. Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail, who played Dev Patel's character as a little boy, just had his shanty house bulldozed by the government.

The White House press corps are a bunch of juvenile, ineducable little snots, which is why Press Secretary Robert Gibbs literally had to confiscate a cell phone today during today's press briefing.

Here we have, you know, big ass butts, pimping food to children. Which is totally wrong, which is, of course, the whole point, because SO COOL ad agency Crispin Porter Bogusky, the inventors of all the weird Burger King ad shit, did this ad, and they just love doing things that people will say is too weird and also wrong, because it generates "Buzz," just like Midtown Manhattan. The point is Sir Mix-a-Lot is teaching obesity and sexuality to your kids and you're really okay with that, deep down, because you love Whoppers.

Sign of the apocalypse number 567: It's not only teenage girls who are joining adult women in spending vast sums on make-up, hair products, and beauty treatments. Nor is it only tweens. According to research by Experian, 43 percent of 6- to 9-year-olds use lipstick or lip gloss, 38 percent use hairstyling products, and of course there's the now-notorious Dimples Kids' Spa in Brooklyn Heights (run, natch, by a Russian woman), where girls from 0-12 can get expensive mani-pedis and facials. So who or what is to blame for turning the nation's girl children into monstrous little patsies of the beauty industry? It's the internet, like you even needed to ask!

Oscar-winner Slumdog Millionaire depicts children dwelling in the utmost of impoverished hellscapes. The film used actual slum kids, but don't worry they weren't exploited! Cuz they're totally getting houses now! They'll be just fine.

Wow, Nadya Suleman really is radioactive: Yet another agency has distanced itself from the mother of 14. How is she going to sell her story now?

Not even usually scruplesless LA PR flacks are immune to the public outcry over Nadya Suleman, that lady who made science give her 14 children. She's been dropped by the pair that was representing her.