• Britney Spears managed to stay out of the mental hospital for, like, three whole months, so a court commissioner was "extremely impressed." The singer now gets more time — possibly three days per week — with her kids. No one seems to know how much time she had with them before. But she can maybe have the children over for sleepovers in a month, depending, probably, on how her next TV cameo goes. The system works!

What would the world's oldest profession do without Charlie Sheen? Hollywood's most famed lover of pay-for-play has been outed by his current madam in the newest issue of Rolling Stone, who claims that his prostitution habit is still going stronger than ever — even after court-ordered rehab. As "Nici" tells celebrity exposé specialist Vanessa Grigoriadis in the story, she "dropped four girls off at his penthouse, [and] found the actor in silk pajamas with 'C. MaSheen' embroidered over the pocket. Sheen gave her a $20,000 check for the girls, and she picked them up several hours later." And while the fact that Sheen is (allegedly) still romping around with escorts after all these years is pretty pathetic, even more so is his publicist's excuse:

• Testifying against her alleged stalker, Uma Thurman's dad said the man emailed him a few times about the study-abroad program at Columbia, where the dad is a professor. He had no clue the guy was a stalker, or even knew who his daughter was. Then one day the alleged stalker wrote: "Today the center of my forehead is ticking now and then. I feel in love with your daughter Uma." And later: "Apparently hoping it would be forwarded to the actress.... 'Work on that accent for our wedding night. Pretty please.'"

While most of the civilized world enjoyed an early-spring weekend about town, SAG president and press warlord Alan Rosenberg practiced his saber-rattling in anticipation of upcoming labor negotiations with the studios. Despite reaching out to AFTRA to rejoin them in talks starting tomorrow, such token detente couldn't mitigate Rosenberg's resistance pledged against everyone from mutinous actors like Kevin Bacon and Charlie Sheen to penny-pinching producers. And at least one high-powered, face-saving source is urging the union to stand down or face certain doom.

What is with celebrities and their pregnancy tests these days? Halle Berry admitted on Oprah that she has a drawer at home full of 35 used pregnancy tests (jesus, is that even sanitary?). Now comes word that Charlie Sheen's fiancée. Brooke Mueller, is trying to get pregnant and is flaunting the pregnancy sticks around like a middle schooler showing off her first Dooney & Bourke. Reports Page Six:

Poor flipper-footed Denise Richards just can't catch a break. Following news that ex Charlie Sheen is trying to halt production of what could well become the apex of the washed-up celeb-centric reality show genre, Richards' bad luck streak continues with news that her performance as Dr. Christmas Jones in The World Is Not Enough was just voted the Worst Bond Girl of All-Time by Bond's horndoggiest fans.

Charlie Sheen and ex-wife/mortal enemy Denise Richards were back in family court yesterday, arguing behind closed doors over Richards's decision to expose her life, and the lives of her young children, to reality show cameras. From the EOnline.com report:

If you didn't thumb through today's Variety, you missed a chance to share in the trade paper's rousing salute to Two and a Half Men's 100th episode (nothing says, "Fuck you, disapproving TV critics tragically out of touch with America's lowbrow sitcom tastes!" like hitting triple digits), an issue featuring enough congratulatory advertising to fund Charlie Sheen's cheerleader-themed Real Doll hobby well into the next century.

Providing a light-hearted respite from recent unpleasant revelations about Charlie Sheen's propensity to send strongly worded, less-than-affirming e-mails (you remember, the ones about the cancer and the "sad, jobless pigs" ) to his ex-wife, Rush & Molloy recounts how a Two and a Half Men joke involving an inflatable doll reminds them of a funny little story about Sheen's real-life misadventures with the finest mail-order cheerleader mannequin money can buy:

Charlie Sheen, author of the "go cry to your bald mom" e-mail suggesting his ex-wife Denise Richards might have more luck extracting sympathy from her cancer-suffering mother than from him, is painfully familiar with the sometimes irreversible consequences of indulging one's impulses. Luckily for him, however, lasers can remove the patchwork of ridiculous tattoos covering his body, as requested by fiancée Brooke "I'd rather not have to stare at Puff the Bookish Dragon every time we make love, honey" Mueller. From Page Six:

• Just when you thought nothing to do with the failed marriage of Two and A Half Men star Charlie Sheen and softcore somebody Denise Richards could ever, ever be interesting! ""Go cry to your bald mom, you [bleeping] loser," he emailed her once. Her mom is undergoing chemo. [Page Six]
  

The rare olive branch in the ongoing Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards divorce came in an e-mail dated Aug. 24, when, according to court documents, Sheen apologized for a wide array of regrettable remarks he made about his ex-wife and her family, including "a comment about your poor Mom," "your abilities as a mother," and "my pigheaded assertion that you pressed the button that detonated the second tower." Fox411 has revisited the papers to find what, exactly, was contained in those enraged correspondences he so desperately wishes he could unsend:

Yet more from the ongoing custody battle between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, which began as a shame-free environment, and has quickly degenerated from there: Richards has now employed a former nanny to make several nauseating allegations about Sheen inappropriately touching his daughters. Not that he's all bad: She also acknowledges that Charlie has made an effort at mending fences, particularly with the following retraction:

Highest paid pom-pom-fetishist in television Charlie Sheen appeared in family court yesterday, defending himself against ex-wife Denise Richards, who sought to have overnight visits with their toddler-aged children revoked. As evidence, she once again warned the judge that they could be irreversibly scarred after stumbling onto his now well-known stash of bookmarked pep squad internet porn pages:

If you were under the impression that Charlie Sheen's recent betrothal meant that his ugly and very public divorce from Denise Richards was finalized, you'd be mistaken, as there are still a great many unresolved matters of asset division and child custody between the warring couple. There are also unlikely glimmers of reconciliation, however, as Sheen now claims he has documented proof that Richards wanted to conceive a third child with the actor even after she discovered the ugly, trampolining-cheerleader truth. From People.com:

· Charlie Sheen is off the market again, a development that could have serious economic ramifications for local escorts specializing in pom-pom play.
· We never thought we'd say this, but if Scary Hollywood Lawyer Marty Singer prevents us from having to see Nick Lachey's o-face, he's truly doing the Lord's work.
· TVWeek's TCA blog brings us the Cocaine-Related Valerie Bertinelli Quote of the Day.
· What can a renter do when his eastside neighbor poops too loudly? Curbed L.A. tries to find an answer.

THR reports that Scrubs star, occasional pop-star despoiler, and Burgeoning Voice of a Whiny Generation Zach Braff has reached a deal to ascend to the highest echelon of TV-actor remuneration: Charlie Sheen Money:

A couple of tipsters were generous enough to forward us a pair of delightful e-mails currently making the rounds in local media and industry circles, in which aggrieved Hollywood princes Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen took a moment from their busy schedules to offer LAT reporter Susan King some constructive feedback on her assessment of Sheen's effusive introduction of brother Emilio's latest cinematic masterpiece at this year's Golden Globes. Below, Estevez helpfully quotes the blurb in its entirety before sharing his critique:

When beset on all sides by the soul-tainting forces of mysteriousness and unexpectedness, one can always turn to the reliably quirky and lighthearded gossip-sheet tales of Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen's creative sexcapades to brighten one's mood. Rush & Molloy report that onetime Sheen companionship-pusher Heidi Fleiss and a tranny of his acquaintance are joining forces to sell a video featuring shocking new footage of Sheen's scandalous parking fetish:

· Mariska Hargitay and Christopher Meloni sign on for two more years of Law & Order: Sexy Victims Unit (that's what it's called, right? We get so confused.), getting pay raises that catapult them into the rarefied territory of Charlie Sheen-level remuneration. [Variety]
· Fox files a subpoena trying to uncover the identity of the scofflaw who posted entire episodes of The Simpsons and 24 on the YouTubes; if successful, parent company News Corp. will petition to have the pirate punished by being locked in a MySpace chat window with a known sexual predator to teach him (or her) a lesson about abusing the power of the internet. [THR]
· Eddie Murphy is in talks to star in the Paramount comedy NowhereLand, though it's unclear from the project's brief description where the star's contractually mandated opportunity to disappear into a latex fat suit will come. [Variety]
· The American Idol Nielsen h-bomb flattens competing network Nagasakis and incinerates the minds of 36.9 million helpless TV victims. [THR]
· Condo-hopping dealmakers compete to make thrilling Sundance acquisitions into the wee hours. [Variety]