Didn't we almost have it all, America? Why, it was just a few weeks ago when we learned that E! had mercy-killed its celeb reality show Denise Richards: It's Complicated, leading to cheers, emailed hugs, and exultant praise to God around the blogosphere. "Just when I think there's no redeeming the entertainment industry as a whole," said one of our commenters, "somebody makes a smart move like cancelling this famewhore's piece of crap show, and I start to see a little glimmer of light on the horizon." Get ready to bust out some candles, everybody: that glimmer's gettin' snuffed! According to Us Weekly:

Malcolm Gladwell, author of The Tipping Point and Blink and staff writer at The New Yorker, turns 45 today. Others celebrating: Novelist Kiran Desai is 37, famed editor Gary Fisketjon is 54, and advertising guru Bryan Buckley is 45. Writer/director Noah Baumbach is 39. Charlie Sheen is turning 45. Former VJ and now Web personality Adam Curry is 44. And Arianna Huffington's right-wing ex-husband, Michael Huffington, is 61 today.

In the eternal battle between exes Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, the latter has just been dealt a significant setback. Though Sheen pulls down a nigh-unbeatable $800,000 for every episode of Two and a Half Men, Richards could at least boast a buzzed-about, cringe-inducing E! reality show, Denise Richards: It's Complicated. Now, according to the New York Post, she may not even have that feather in her cap anymore — it appears that the show has been cancelled.

• Alessandra Ambrosio just gave birth, but she isn't wasting any time. She's reportedly already looking to sell pictures of her newborn daughter Anja to the tabloids. [P6]

TV Guide has released its annual list of television star salaries, and unsurprisingly it's a complete embarrassment of riches. What is surprising in a grim chuckle of a way is that Charlie Sheen, he of the hookers and blow and Hot Shots movies, is the highest paid actor on television, earning some $825,000 for each weekly episode of his tremendously unfunny sitcom Two and a Half Men. How the hell did that happen? Well, we know how it happened. THM has been inexplicably popular for years now, outlasting other numbnuts shouldn't-have-been-hits like According to Jim and Yes, Dear. What we really want to know is why did it happen? What is with Sheen's sheen? Maybe it has something to do with his hang-dog, "what can I say?" demeanor these days. Sheen doesn't so much apologize for being a ludicrous fuck-up for so many years, rather he's just pressing his two index fingers together, twirling one foot on the ground and saying "I've been bad, bad boy." And, I guess, people it eat up. And it fits right in with THM, which is well-intended stupidity-not nearly as hard to pick up as those more "complicated" or "weird" shows like The Office or 30 Rock. Another part of Sheen's enduring fame/popularity probably has something to do with the tabloid bolero of Sheen and his ex-wife, famous naked lady Denise Richards. She got the bulk of the negative press during their split, leaving Sheen to seem the weary, put-upon old druggie who just can't catch a break, man. (Add to that people's outrage over how handsomely Richards continues to profit from the divorce.) People seem to detect Richards' blind ambition and dislike it while they tolerate and even enjoy Sheen's affable (if at times violent and unstable) blundering. There's probably some sophomore gender studies paper to write about this, but it's summer. So just take it like this: Charlie Sheen is ridiculously rich and you are not. There you go.

For vivid proof of the weakening dollar, look no further that the annual salary survey in the forthcoming issue of TV Guide: After two years of slumming alongside the likes of Zach Braff and seeing everyone from William Petersen ($600,000 per episode) to the Simpsons cast (each $400,000 per episode) pass him by, Charlie Sheen has reclaimed his spot at the top of the prime-time cash heap, earning $800,000 per 30-minute episode of Two and a Half Men. Granted, it's not seven-figure Friends money (which Sheen originally asked for in negotiations back in 2006), but we still think it bears repeating: Charlie Sheen makes $800,000 per episode of Two and a Half Men. Join us in getting our heads around it (and a few other hot-ticket raises) after the jump.

• In the wake of his big, possibly violent fight with his mom and sister, everyone's trying to figure out what ever happened to Christian Bale. The Daily Mail notes that after Bale became the family breadwinner at 13, his father tried to make him into a Hollywood star while Mom advocated a normal childhood in Britain. Also, he's been angry all the time since forever. The Post passes along the news that he hates press tours and is known as "robo-actor" because of his "steely focus."

• Raffaello Follieri might be in the process of negotiating a deal with the feds, which would put him in prison for five to 6 1/2 years instead of the nine-year sentence he could face if he's convicted by a jury. [NYP]

• Charlie Sheen is sorry to black people for calling his ex-wife Denise Richards a "f—king n——r." He's especially sorry to "Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Ha! Richards, with whom Sheen has been bitterly feuding, doesn't get an apology, and can presumably just "f—king" deal. [Us]

Sometimes two stories will come along on the very same day and reaffirm one of the oldest Hollywood clichés in history. Namely, that babe magnetism can be yours even if you don't possess looks, charm or gentlemanly ways. Provided, of course, that you have either money or music cred. With that in mind, we'd like to call your attention to two fantasy-worthy catfights brewing today. All kinds of manicured claws are out over the 80-year old borderline polygamist Hugh Hefner and the scraggly rock star Richie Sambora. Why four sets of fake boobs are rubbing up against each other (as Kate Hudson’s baby boy would say) and which contenders are looking like the early “winners” of the ongoing squabbles, after the jump.

• Observers note that Arianna Huffington waited several days to personally blog anything about the death of Tim Russert of Meet The Press, who she often criticized. Then when she did say something, she didn't really praise the man. Not even faint praise! Dammit, Arianna, the public DEMANDS DISINGENUOUS EULOGIES! [R&M]

Apparently Denise Richards' life of collecting alimony and contemplating posing for Playboy is so busy that she requires a full staff to function. In this week's episode of It's Complicated, she upbraids her two warring assistants about some clothes she had borrowed that were supposed to be returned but hadn't. To Denise, it's an issue of integrity. Much to our surprise, she managed to utter the word "integrity" without being struck by lightning.

• Is it really over between Madonna and Guy Ritchie? Madge has apparently hired England's toughest divorce lawyer, Nicholas Mostyn—the same guy who handled Paul McCartney's split with Heather Mills—so the answer looks like yes. [Holy Moly!]

• Haven't seen Isaac Mizrahi around much lately? That's because he's been holed up making his own pomade, since the product he usually uses is no longer on the market. If all goes well, he might sell his new creation and call it I-Hair. [Page Six]

Choire Sicha's analysis of whoremonger Charlie Sheen's wedding photos. [Radar]

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]

• Charlie Sheen and wife-to-be Brooke Mueller are getting married tonight. The bride might already be pregnant, and Denise Richards might be planning to crash the party with her reality show camera crew. Should be fun! [Rush & Molloy]

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen's camp accused Denise Richards of having exploited her children for her own publicity-whoring needs—and re-addressed the time Richards allegedly paused from hurling ambisexual- jailbait- porn-junkie accusations long enough to request a sperm donation of her ex. Now, the star of E!'s Denise Richards: My Undiagnosed Bipolarism Is Complicated is firing back. Talking to Page Six, the actress provided recent SMS evidence suggesting there may be more to her cancer-wishing, tranny-positive ex-husband than meets the eye:

Oh, what's to be done with Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen. They may bicker incessantly and claim they can't stand the sight of one another, but deep down, you just know they're hoping the other contracts feline AIDS. With her E! reality series set to premiere on Memorial Day, Richards has been hitting the talk show circuit harder than Richie Sambora in a bathroom stall at the LAX wrap party. This included some face-time with fossilized CNN grand inquisitor Larry King, where she explained that the show comes directly out of need; not, surprisingly, the need to be on TV, but rather the need to feed and shelter her two children, abandoned by their father to follow his tween-outfitting, trampoline dreams. Now, a "Sheen insider" tells Page Six that Richards' claims are absurd, as the actress is regularly greeted by the beeping sound of a Hollywood Alimony Services dump truck backing into her driveway to release that month's child support payment:

Bravely taking the Larry King Live lukewarmseat last night to promote her new E! reality series, Denise Richards: I'm Hateful, the actress fielded a barrage of intermittently relevant softballs from the broadcast legend ("Charlie Sheen: Father of your children?...Good guy?...What does he bench press, around?...Iron Man: your kind of movie?...Where do you fall on tofu?"), which she dutifully answered with refreshing candidness. Sadly, she and Sheen are not currently speaking, with Richards relying on her commando-nanny go-between to shuffle their children between the households, deftly avoiding concussion on her mad dash back to the Land Rover at the hands of a Sheen-manned pneumatic tennis-ball cannon. [Larry King Live]