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• Bruce Willis settles conflict between U.S. and Colombia, tells our troops to stand down. [R&M]
• Peggy Siegal gets whisked about the country via private jet while Liz Smith must suffer the indignities of airport security. Truly, there is no justice in this world.[Liz Smith]
• If you want to read an item that features both "Sting" and "fantasy sex parties," go ahead. We won't judge you. Although we're pretty sure God will.. [Page Six]
• Britney Spears is probably not pregnant, based on the logic that she was seen drinking a Cosmo. And we all know how responsible a mom she is. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Is Howard Stern's hair real? Is your life so empty that this is actually a question that concerns you? If you're Lloyd Grove, the answers are no and yes, respectively. [Lowdown]