In response (maybe?) to our breakthrough linkage of yuppie baby slings and poor smothered lifeless babies, government safety officials are recalling more than a million baby slings. God. As if Park Slope parents didn't have enough to deal with.

Giant, bespectacled baby Randy Neugebauer, a freakishly huge, red-faced infant who is also a congressman from Texas, admitted to shouting "baby-killer" on the floor of the House last night.

Lori broke up with her boyfriend, Corey, and it was quite the story at the Montessori. But this allegory ends a bit whorey, as she got pregnant. That's where the problems begin.

Danish-Norwegian artist Nina Maria Kleivan dresses her baby up as the worst dictators of the 20th century because—after all—"Even my daughter could end up ruling Denmark with an iron fist." That baby probably has a better-than-average chance, yes.

Jessica Simpson wants everyone, including The View hosts, to know that if she isn't knocked up by the time she's 40, she's having her best friend/stylist Ken Paves' baby. Sounds like those mom jeans will come in handy after all.

Strollers are for savages who want to chop their babies' fingers off. Trendy parents today are all about the body-hugging baby slings. Which do something much worse.

Fat American wombs are overstuffed with fat baby eating machines that will soon die! Judo and soda taxes are our only hope. It's your daily fitness watch, where we watch your fitness—while jogging!

Why is it so hard to get through to teenagers? If it's not coming home after curfew, it's that they're always getting pregnant. Valerie is no different, only this time the babydaddy actually has something to offer: mad beatboxing skillzzz.

While most kids are busy playing with G.I. Joes and Barbies, these future Sarah Palin enthusiasts have gladly sacrificed their hopes for a normal childhood for the sake of our amusement. The good folks at Current put together this compilation.

Meet Stan Still, Justin Case, Barb Dwyer and Bill Board. They're among the names a survey revealed actual parents gave to their actual children — human beings, remember — because they thought they were funny.

The miracle of birth can be a beautiful, life-changing experience in so many ways. In the case of Kourtney Kardashian, however, things can take weird turns... like pulling her child out of her own vagina. WARNING: Not for the squeamish!

What could possibly make a photo of an adorable baby and a cute-as-pie monkey better than it already is? Laser Eyes! This quick photoshop tutorial will turn any innocent person in a photo into a terrorizing menace.

It's pretty clear that this baby has been observing his parents more carefully then they realized.

Teaching a baby to stand at 5 months is impressive. Teaching a baby, especially a chubby one, to stand in your hand is amazing. Even without the baby's amazing feat (pun), the chubby terrified baby face is worth looking at.

Wake up, make some coffee, turn on the TV to start your day, and what are you greeted with? A mother's abdominal wound being sliced open while amniotic fluid is being sucked out of her stomach. Enjoy your Cheerios!

This is Adam Dell, venture capitalist and Columbia Business school adjunct professor. He is also the younger brother of Michael Dell, of the computer Dells. And he made Padma Lakshmi pregnant!

This little guy keeps a straight face as well as Jimmy Fallon, but he's actually doing it on purpose. Extremely impressive considering he's doing it on cue.

It's always exciting when babies take first steps, and even more-so when it happens on national television. The Doctors manage to trick this child into walking in the span of a minute, proving a trained baby army is definitely possible.

Ad Age has a fascinating story on how some online Pampers dead-enders have "jammed Pampers.com with negative reviews" about P&G's new super pee-absorbing diaper brand, imperiling the company's painstaking multimillion-dollar marketing campaign. Sample comment from a Pampers dissenter, below.

Legion's demon-lady who tries to eat the girl from Friday Night Lights has been the thrust of most of that angels-with-guns flick's previews. Because crazy old ladies put butts in seats, guaranteed! Why, they're one of five cheap trailer ploys.