Bill Clinton, who is no longer the President, still gets a big old motorcade, which is a good thing, because he needs several extra vehicles around him to fend off the multiple slack-jawed civilians sideswiping him at every turn.

Screenwriter Simon Monjack, the husband of the late actress Brittany Murphy, was found dead in his home on Sunday night. The cause of death is still unknown.

The lovable, bumbling Michael Steele-era Republican party had never won a special election—until this weekend, when Honolulu Councilman Charles Djou won Hawaii's special election to replace retired Congressman Neil Abercrombie. It was due, obviously, to the Djouish-controlled media.

French farmers transformed part of the Champs Elysees—the iconic Paris street on which the Arc de Triomphe sits—into farmland in an attempt to promote the struggling farm industry. Click through for more photos of French people having fun.

Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad says it's "God's will" that his device didn't detonate, but "begged" interrogators to explain where we went wrong. An official "did not say whether he was given the courtesy." Is that a "no"? [NYP]

Were Michaele and Tareq Salahi trying to crash the White House state dinner last night when their limo was stopped by the Secret Service? Are they really that ballsy? And why was there a camera crew with them?

Astronomers have found a kind of supernova that barfs calcium as it dies, and think such supernovae could be behind the abundance of calcium in our universe. No word on if they're better than Tums, or what. [LAT]

The new owner of the New Jersey Nets, Mikhail Prokhorov, having breakfast at Gracie Mansion with Mayor-for-Life Michael Bloomberg and Shawn Carter of the Bed-Stuy Carters. Image via AP

Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, the Somali pirate lucky(?) enough to be brought to NYC for trial, pleaded guilty yesterday to the failed hijacking of Hero Captain Richard Phillips' ship. His case is unspeakably sad. But it could be worse!

Ma Yaohai, a 53-year-old college professor, was arrested along with 21 other people and put on trial for "group licentiousness," which is just a multi-syllabic way of saying "sex parties." He now faces up to five years in jail.

Seven-year-old Aiyana Jones was killed during a police raid early Sunday morning. Reports now indicate that the cops were being filmed for the A&E reality show The First 48—and that important evidence may have been caught on tape.

It's election day! And as we all know, elections are about voting out politicians who we hate—especially this year, when a bunch of "establishment" candidates could lose. Let us help you figure out who you should hate today.

[Miss Michigan Rima Fakih was crowned Miss USA on Sunday night, for doing whatever it is you do to win these things. Fakih, who was born in Lebanon, is the first Arab-American Miss USA. Pic via AP.]

I didn't plan to pick a fight with Steve Jobs last night. It just sort of happened: An iPad advertisement ticked me off; I sent the Apple CEO an angry email; he told me about "freedom from porn."

"I can think of only once in the last eight and a third years where we held for more than a minute or two. I never find any service interruptions," says Bloomberg. Then again, he does ride the 6 train.

Joe Biden's son Beau "will soon be back up and running at full speed" after his mild stroke this week, according to weirdly-phrased message from his wife. One-third of similar patients have another stroke in the future. [Pic: AP]

Billionaire entertainment industry power player and Clinton pal Haim Saban is probably still getting over the sting of being unable to completely manipulate The New Yorker's profile of him. Perhaps he will buy Newsweek, as a consolation prize.

A Montreal family was killed when the "sensitive clay" on which their home was built spontaneously liquified and gave way. "Even a fly landing on the surface can set it off," geologist Michel Bouchard said. [NYT; pic via AP]

New York Times publisher Arthur "Pinch" Sulzberger has been working up his aggressive gumption lately, which he'll need to win the newspaper war with Rupert Murdoch, who is a genuine surly bastard. Pinch, lesson one: Don't cuss at Murdoch employees.

Beau Biden, the vice president's 41 year-old son and the Attorney General of Delaware, is in the hospital. For some reason. The White House just released the following mysterious statement (Updated below):