Remind us not to get in a fight with E-Trade: The company is responding to a defamation suit from Lindsay Lohan with a hundred-page document "detailing Lohan's drug abuse, brawls and DWI busts," just to prove she lives in California.

The extreme right-wingers managed to oust three-term Utah Senator Robert Bennett — he lost a bid to run for a fourth term. Two teabaggers will now fight it out for the seat, doubtless over such vital issues as Obama's fascism.

Sometimes, being in Scientology leader David Miscavige's inner circle sounds kind of fun. High-level church defector Mark Rathbun says he personally recorded Tom Cruise's confessionals—and that Miscavige read the transcripts out loud, "joking and laughing" at parties.

Did you know the world's largest beaver dam can be seen from space, if by "space," you mean, "Google Maps"? It is in Alberta, Canada; it is a half-mile long; and it probably took two decades to build.

Here's the world famous Grand Ole Opry House, which—like the rest of Nashville—is now soaking in flood water. Sakes alive! The Tennessean has complete coverage. [Pic: AP]

Available on Ebay: "PICS of FL GOV CHARLIE CRIST snorting lines of COCAINE!" Somewhere "between 2 and 6 readily identifiable pictures" of ol' independent Charlie doing blow in the 80s. Starting bid $600,000. [And a nice Charlie Crist painting!]

The Pope pretty much endorsed the Shroud of Turin as Jesus' blanket, saying it "totally corresponds to what the Gospels tell of Jesus." But The Pope also believes this "Jesus" fella rose from the dead, so, grain of salt. [Reuters]

In her new memoir, Laura Bush wonders if she was poisoned while in Germany in 2007. The chef who cooked her food says she's crazy. Simple stomach flu, or al Qaeda poison conspiracy? Whom do we believe?! The chef, probably.

Hollywood converged on DC tonight for the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner. Photos of longtime political junkies like Jessica Simpson, Kim Kardashian, and Justin Bieber below. [Photos via AP, Getty Images]

[Michelle Obama celebrates Arbor Day with a planting project at local school. Image via AP.]

The women of Maine are sick of men being allowed to take off their shirts on hot days, while women must keep their chests, with associated ornaments, hidden. A couple of dozen just staged a topless march about it.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is on the Twitter! And because "the internet can't be just for the bourgeoisie," he's invited Bolivian President Evo Morales and Fidel Castro. A specter is haunting Latin America—the specter of Twitter! [Yahoo]

A man injured five kindergartners with an iron hammer before grabbing two of the children and setting himself on fire—the third attack on a Chinese school in as many days. What the hell is going on?

The White House press corps has some complaints about how they're treated (I know, crazy!). On the one hand, sure, power to the press. On the other hand, everyone sounds like children jealous of the New York Times.

Unaccountable billionaire Mayor-For-Life Mike Bloomberg jets off to his massive Bermudan estate many weekends, where he plays golf, spends money, and zealously guards his privacy. That's what you get when you elect an unaccountable billionaire Mayor-For-Life, New Yorkers. Duh. [NYT]

How dumb and lazy is George W. Bush? So dumb and lazy that he can't even write a real memoir! Instead, he will write "an account of key decisions in his life." We have some guesses about what those are.

Remember that time some kid hacked Sarah Palin's email, and then slutty gossip sites published the screenshots? Homeboy's now on trial, and Sarah was a witness today. What did she say?

Did pornography cause the recession? According to the AP, the answer is: Probably! Over the last five years, the SEC has conducted 33 separate probes into "employees looking at explicit images"—explicit porno images. Let the "SEC/SEX" jokes begin!

Last night was football night and magazine night in America! New York hosted both the National Magazine Awards and the first round of the NFL Draft. Which one was better? Which was more embarrassing? Which had Anna Wintour?

Guess who showed up at Obama's speech at Cooper Union today about Wall Street reform? Goldman Sachs' own Lloyd Blankfein! And many other financial execs. Balls of gold, they have. They'll all get stuck in traffic going home, anyhow. [NYT]