Remember how Larry Birkhead was going to get, like, gobs of money for a print exclusive? And how yesterday's announcement that he's the bona fide father would only cement that deal? We hear Larry has yet to put a deal into place, and for once, it's not about the money—it's about him being totally indecisive. "It's not like he keeps asking for more money, he just isn't making any decisions. I understood not wanting to jinx it before the paternity was decided, but he should really make a call now," says a tabloid-type person. And, look, there he is, yapping away on the Today show this morning. Tonight he'll be on Access Hollywood. At this point, there's almost no more information left for an exclusive—he'd better hope Dannielynn photographs well.

• Anna Nicole Smith's sister dishes to Cindy Adams—at the Waverly Inn, no less. Classy! Well... "I was there when she did liposuction in the '90s. I have pictures of her lipo. Even though I needed money bad, I never sold her out." Ok, maybe not. [Cindy]
  

· Enjoy this video of Larry breaking the good news: "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but: I told you so!" If you look closely, you can see money being exchanged between the giddy Bahamian law enforcement officials in the background.
· Prince Zsa Zsa the Fourth's official concession statement is the model of good sportsmanship: "We never intended to take Dannielynn from anyone, we were just here in case Prince Von Anhalt was the father. We wish Larry luck in raising Dannielynn and we wish him the best." [TMZ]

"Larry Birkhead, you were just named the father of a little bundle of joy worth five million dollars! What are you going to do now?"
Larry Birkhead Is Daddy [Court TV]
Court TV
Anna Nicole Smith photo gallery [Court TV]

Admittedly, we had prepared in advance for other possible outcomes, but in our hearts, we always knew that no amount of baby home hair-coloring products could cover the golden locks Larry Birkhead passed down to his genetic progeny. Moments ago, the elated Entourage background player announced to a gathered crowd that Dannielynn was 99.9999% his. Howard K. Stern then told reporters he was "obviously very disappointed," but that he would "do everything I can to make sure he gets sole custody," as opposed to the baby's overzealous grave-filling grandmother Virgie Arthur. Reports then have the two former adversaries hugging it out, bitch—a tender moment of reconciliation that would have been incredibly moving if it didn't instantly bring to mind the slashfic Stern-on-Birkhead fantasy that scarred us some weeks ago. Developing...

Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn. We can all sleep more soundly tonight knowing that all is right in the world, and that Larry Birkhead will be getting both $5 million and a baby, for sure.

3 p.m. TMZ has been carefully noting the points at which each of the interested parties arrives at the courthouse: first Larry Birkhead, looking remarkably slick; then Howard K. Stern, looking grim; and Virgie Arthur, looking, apparently, a bit large. According to TMZ, "The revelation of the baby daddy is imminent." Shriek!

As you may have gathered from the above TMZ headlines (omitted for space: "Person We Don't Recognize Arrives" and "EXCLUSIVE: Courtroom Door Opens and Closes Bunch of Times!"), we are but moments away from learning the results of the DNA tests that will determine the parentage of the last living Anna Nicole heir, Dannielynn Smith. Rest assured, we are keeping on top of this developing story that you have long since stopped caring about, but not so much that you don't want to find out how it all turns out. We now return to our regularly scheduled, non-babydaddy-related programming.

Seriously, what the fuck, we've been waiting forever. Who's the daddy already? Also, why is Cousin It sitting on Larry Birkhead's shoulder?

Sweet mother of God, the DNA test results of Anna Nicole-spawn Dannielynn will finally be announced tomorrow, bringing our long, collective nightmare to what will undoubtedly be an anticlimactic conclusion. There's practically no one left who believes that someone other than Larry Birkhead could be the daddy. Even that poor sap Howard K. Stern has all but conceded defeat. (Though Prince von Anhalt could be a dark horse! Wouldn't that throw everything into disarray?) Of course, this is just where things start to get fun—and expensive—for the celebrity magazines and the tabloid TV shows.

TMZ is reporting an "all systems go" for the Big Daddy Reveal tomorrow, with major players in the Dannielynn Smith paternity case descending upon Nassau, including the expert from Ohio who oversaw the testing, and frontrunner Larry "Bullseye" Birkhead, seen here excitedly boarding an American Airlines flight, daydreaming about which terrifyingly oversized stuffed animal he'll present his newly won daughter with first. As for Howard K. Stern, the site quotes "unimpeachable sources" who insist he won't challenge for custody if the baby isn't his:

• Howard K. Stern won't fight Larry Birkhead for custody of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter if DNA testing reveals Birkhead to be the father tomorrow. [TMZ]
  

• As the world waits, breath bated, for the revelation of Anna Nicole Smith's child's paternity, Cindy Adams continues to sully her memory: today she reveals that more of the bombshell's diaries will be sold on eBay. There are pictures of her "Doing It" with a female! [Cindy]
  

The world waited with bated breath yesterday for a Bahamian judge to take a coin to a Scratch N' Win Paternity Lottery ticket and reveal the three matching babydaddy heads responsible for fathering Dannielynn Smith. But, as should surprise no one in this protracted case of slow-moving Caribbean justice, none such revelation occurred:

After submitting a DNA sample to Bahamian authorities (we prefer to maintain our blissful ignorance of how exactly that was achieved), Howard K. Stern made an 11th hour attempt at blocking the results. It was a legal action we're almost certain arose out his desire for privacy at this difficult moment, and not, say, because he bore even the slightest shadow of a doubt that Dannielynn wasn't stamped as 100% his own loinfruit product. Now comes word that the courts have shot down his appeal:

· After a brief stall for undisclosed legal reasons, the Bahamian inquest into the death of Daniel Smith is finally under way, with a jury of seven women selected to determine the circumstances surrounding the death that started it all. 40 witnesses are set to testify, including Stern, Birkhead, and hospital staff members who reportedly witnessed Howard K. Stern flushing methadone down a toilet soon after Daniel's body was discovered. It remains to be seen how an all-female jury might influence the proceedings, though we doubt they could get any more emotional during the verdict-reading than Judge Seidlin did. [CourtTV]
· A new theory about Anna Nicole's death (because it's still so easy to shoot holes in that whole "nine drugs in her system" one) was that she caffeined herself to death. More specifically, the combination of the antibiotic Cipro and tons of caffeinated soda in her system gave her intense insomnia, leading her to overdose on sleep-aid chloral hydrate. Take heed, Britney Spears: Coke's sweet syrupy release can potentially be deadly. [Fox911]

• And now, an Anna Nicole Smith doll of your very own. We kinda, sorta see the resemblance. [eBay]
  

Okay, the other two aren't much of a surprise, but Ronnie Wood? This thing goes all the way to the top!

We'd worried that Post finger-wagger Andrew Peyser had lost her touch since finding love. Her last few columns felt decidedly phoned-in—c'mon, "Send Naomi To Jail"? But today, the Peys is back in the saddle, challenging preconceptions and writing more vividly than anyone would like.

As teased on Friday, the Anna Nicole Smith Autopsy Results Spectacular premiered today: Broward County medical examiner Dr. Joshua Perper concludes no foul play was involved, with the cause of death lying in the cumulative effect of no less than nine—count them, nine!—prescription drugs coursing her veins at the time of death, in addition to the "contributory causes" of a viral flu for which she refused to be treated, even when her temperature rose to 105°, and (courtesy warning for anyone currently eating) an abscess on her rear end, where she regularly injected herself with medication.