So today, nearly all of the celeb mags are breathlessly reporting the nastiest coupling we've come across: Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy Larry Birkhead and her attorney and semi-husband Howard K. Stern were, according to that strumpet Rita Cosby's new book, totally doing it! And struck a backroom deal, and there's a sex tape, and oh my God, gross.
As much of the world spent their Monday evenings funneling turpentine into their ears, hoping the primitive technique might somehow wash away the indelible vision of Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern engaged in "a compromising, intimate position," the two men figuring most prominently in the outrageous claims made by Rita Cosby's new book have begun to fight back. A round-up:
· On a Larry King Live guest-hosted by TMZ's Harvey Levin, Birkhead again dismissed the allegations made in the book, insisting it belongs next to "Harry Potter in the fiction aisle," among "similar, made-up acts of wizard-on-wizard depravity." [transcripts.cnn.com]
Last week, we were teased with news of "shocking" material contained within the pages of former MSNBC host Rita Cosby's bombshell-laden new book, Blond Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death. For a conspiracy-hungry public who never quite warmed to Howard K. Stern's svengali-like presence and his sudden coziness with overly highlighted babydaddy Larry Birkhead, it instantly conjured up a host of sordid scenarios—everything from lusty man-on-man trysts to black market baby sales, from systematic bimbo-druggings to involuntary face-painting. Now, a leaked manuscript reveals that Cosby's claims include all of the above, and more:
Those tender-hearted moralists at OK! magazine — who wrestled publicly with whether or not to print the pictures from its excrement-crusted Britney Spears shoot — are at it again: They now say they are dropping their planned exclusive coverage of Dannielynn on her first birthday. Since this can't possibly have anything to do with the glut of father-daughter pictures we just saw in Us Weekly, there must be some other, far more scandalous explanation—and there is! Please ready yourselves for earth-rending allegations that, unfortunately, can only be discussed with tantalizing vagueness:
Rest easy—all is well at Birkhead Manor, even if Us Weekly's cover story on Anna Nicole Smith's last living heir somewhat disconcertingly crops daddy Larry out of the picture. (At least we're hoping those disembodied hands are Larry's, and not Tony Potts placing the one-year-old in a duffel bag for transportation to a contractually mandated appearance at Access Hollywood's studios.) And while the "$472 million baby" may tragically never get to meet her mommy, Dannielynn will at least be able to experience her through the multimedia shrine her father has erected in Anna Nicole's honor:
Anna Nicole Smith's methadone-infused light may have been snuffed much too soon, but her memory will live on in a steady barrage of endlessly exploitable audio-visual materials. For example, a Texas plastic surgeon has been attempting to sell a videotape he made of a routine gazonga-insertion procedure she underwent back in 1994. Now, creepy lurking legal presence Howard K. Stern, still hanging around in her afterlife, has overseen a temporary restraining order against the doctor:
It's time for one of those sporadic check-ins to see how Larry Birkhead and court-certified genetic property Dannielynn are faring. The two have been in L.A. for a little while now, where Birkhead has had the opportunity to introduce his baby daughter to some of Anna Nicole's favorite local haunts ("And that's the hamburger joint where your mom got tanked and sexed up a waitress!"). Amazingly, Birkhead already sees a lot of Anna Nicole in Dannielynn, beyond superficial similarities like the constant gurgling and need for an occasional bottle feeding:
Beyond baby Dannielynn, we have precious few direct blood ties to America's departed diet pill spokeswoman, Anna Nicole Smith. Luckily, her busty, downwardly spiraling legacy lives on in Donna Hogan, who's mulling some pneumatic personal improvements in anticipation of Playboy's very special Less Attractive Half-Sisters of Former Playmates Issue. From Page Six:
A final attempt by Anna Nicole Smith's tenacious, pug-faced mother Virgie Arthur to prevent paternity sweepstakes winner Larry Birkhead from returning to the U.S. with daughter Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern Birkhead (according to her reissued birth certificate!) has been shot down by a Bahamian court:
Glaring Omissions reproduces tips received from readers in the last week that weren't covered on Gawker, either by accident (it happens!) or by design (it happens more often).
In a savvy and lucrative media transaction that would have made her mother proud, 7-month-old Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern quietly arranged to sell the exclusive first photos of herself posing with recently adopted biological father Larry Birkhead to OK! magazine (pictured on the front page of today's NY Post, cooing adorably on his belly). In the interview, Birkhead shed some light on what originally drove a wedge between the two lovers (hint: it rhymes with "rugs"), as well as demonstrated an amazing capacity for forgiveness towards his babymomma-hogging nemesis, Howard K. Stern:
I am going to use this column to do something I will never be able to do again—convey my first impressions of intensive Gawker-reading. Until I was asked to consider taking on this job, I had been only a casual reader, mainly clicking on the Stalker map to track the whereabouts of Kelly Ripa (Kelly: I know you love me! Why do you insist on playing these games?). Since that day, I have read more Gawker than is typical of any but the fruitlessly employed and Kurt Eichenwald's lawyer.
We took a look at the new issue of Playboy - Lock has it delivered to the office rather than his home - to see how that tribute to the late Anna Nicole Smith turned out. Apart from the creepy, graveside bukkake feelings one experiences when looking at naked pictures of a dead woman which are clearly meant to be masturbated to (or on, depending on your preferences), there's a poignant air to the piece.
· Producers pass on our suggestions of indie darlings like Chloe Sevigny or Selma Blair, and go instead with multi-hyphenate hoochie Willa Ford to play Anna Nicole Smith in a movie about her life. (Now with happy ending!) [Variety]
· CBS is teaming with Jermaine, Tito and LaToya Jackson for Pop Dynasty, an American Idol-style search for the next superstar singing family no one will care about or watch! Michael would have joined, but he's knee-deep in giant robot blueprints at the moment. [Variety]
· What will surely go down as the Summer America Went Bingo Crazy officially kicks off May 18, when ABC premieres its much-anticipated National Bingo Night. [Variety]
· The premiere of The Sopranos' final season draws 7.66 million viewers, down by nearly 2 million from its last premiere in March, throwing Bobby even deeper into his guilt-spiral over whether it was even worth it to wait this long to pop his whacking cherry. [Variety]
· On the heels of news that that Lee Majors may return to primetime TV now comes a report that Tom Selleck is "in discussions" to take over for the Las Vegas's recently departed James Caan, edgily cast as Josh Duhamel's new daddy love interest. [THR]
