I don't think ANY of us saw this coming. There really is no one left to believe in anymore, is there?

· It's funny because it's true: no balls in this town get licked without the all-important conference call.
· Had enough of the 300 parodies yet? Yeah, neither have we.
· TMNT packs all of the pizza-chomping thrills of a Leni Riefenstahl film.
· While Batman is off taking a toke break, the Joker is is busy plotting his boner-related revenge.
· We swear, we were only kidding about Zsa Zsa Gabor's batshit husband getting back in to the Dannielynn Smith paternity sweepstakes.

· A businessman from Germany bid over a half million dollars for two of Anna Nicole's diaries from the early '90s, a sample page of which contains many of the running themes of tragic loss and addiction that would follow her until the end of her life: "I had lunch with Howard Someone ran over my cat yesterday I was real sad Clay came over last nite to give me some sleeping pills It was nice to see him" [TMZ]
· Not even a court-ordered eviction has managed to get Howard K. Stern out of the Bahamian home that belongs to former Anna Nicole sugardaddy G. Ben Thompson (see him traipsing around it with authorities here!), whose attorneys have filed a summons, asking the courts to do the Stern dropkicking for them. [Access Hollywood]
· Autopsy results! Monday! (You thought we'd have some definitive answers readily available for you? Perish the thought.) [USA Today]
· Earlier this month, Larry Birkhead trademarked the phrase "Goodnight, My Sweet Anna Baby" for use in "movies, books, TV programs, Internet programs and stage plays," though we think it would best suit the inevitable Schönberg and Boublil West End megamusical. [ABCNews.com]

Rita Cosby, MSNBC's in-house champion for Anna Nicole Smith-related justice and any incidental ratings that might haphazardly come out of that crusade, reports (and TMZ instinctively regurgitates like a sparrow feeding its scoop-hungry young) that our national (not that one) might soon be over: Larry Birkhead and the baby he claims is his own both have had DNA samples extracted:

• Ann Coulter buddy, former gay porn actor, Marine Corps reservist, and Columbia student Matt Sanchez dissects his university's relationship with the military. [Ed Note: Are we still saying "allegedly" on this one? Anyone? Eh.] [Columbia Spec]
  

We doubt we were the only ones anticipating that this headline referred to blubbery Judge Larry Seidlin, for whom a casual marijuana habit would make perfect sense—and Yahoo's accompanying photo served only to confirm that. Sadly, the busted Judge in question is Judge Lawrence Korda, who presided over the Dannielynn DNA test hearings, thereby denying us the opportunity to conjure up a hilarious scenario in which Seidlin, overcome by the emotional weight of an impending child custody ruling, took to a public park with some primo Kiwi Haze, hoping the potent spiritual clarity it imparts to its users would help guide him towards the path of justice.

We never thought we'd see a food-sculpture tribute to Anna Nicole Smith more moving than that of Banana Nicole, who lived her life like a Chiquita in the wind, and was peeled much too soon. But now BoingBoint points us to an Anna Nicole (and baby Dannielynn!) constructed entirely out of everyone's favorite edible hatchlings, Peeps. Surround it with a bouquet of spring flowers for an Anna Nicole-themed Easter dinner centerpiece your guests will be talking about for months, then thrill the youngsters by ambushing them in a bunny suit and clown makeup during the backyard methadone hunt.

• Jenna Elfman will play a book publicist who's "intensely loyal to her clients," as opposed to the book publicists who hate their clients, in a new sitcom produced by Darren Star. We're sure it'll be just as realistic about the book publishing industry as Sex and the City was about the life of an alt-weekly columnist. [Galleycat]
  

In this magical, DVR-enabled era in which we live, viewers need only press a button to confirm that the tussled blonde extra they spotted on a repeat airing of Entourage was, in fact, a central player in the Anna Nicole Smith saga: Larry Birkhead. Radar Online posts a screencap of Birkhead's turn as an Ari Gold underling, assigned to the challenging task of reigniting former Viking Quest star Johnny Chase's flagging career. How Birkhead, whose occupation is usually referred to as photographer, wound up cast as an expendable AMA redshirt is anyone's guess: As Radar points out, his name doesn't appear anywhere on IMDB (which could change just as soon as the MOW conveyor belt starts pooping out Anna Nicole miniseries), and his page on Studio System lists precisely zero credits. Regardless, the mere involvement of a leading paternity candidate instantly throws a new light on the industry-satirizing series, making us wonder if other Entourage bit players—from Paul Haggis to Peter Dinklage to Seth Green—might also be worthy of consideration in the Dannielynn Smith Genetic Sweepstakes.

Just moments after we pointed out today's Fox News item about Law & Order's typically swift move to fill the void of dramas throroughly exploiting the rich source material provided by the Anna Nicole Smith story, a helpful operative shared this breakdown currently being distributed to talent companies for Anna Nicole, a much-needed independent film version of the tragic tale of America's much lamented tabloid queen:

FoxNews.com's Roger Friedman reports that one of the properties in Dick Wolf's primetime kingdom, Law & Order: Criminal Intent (is that the one with Lilith from Cheers? We lost track eight spinoffs ago.) will once again plunder the tabloids—this time, one of the greatest stories of all—for their latest foray into the world of lazily conceived gripping, ripped-from-the-headlines procedural drama:

"Entertainment Tonight" blew a ton of dough on the rights to the Anna Nicole Smith funeral, and damned if they're not going to see some return on that investment. In last night's installment, the viewers weighed in, and, shockingly, the people who not only watch "E.T." but also write into it are exactly as stupid as you think they are. They're also deeply moved. As are we. Enjoy.

• "Mama je'e went to heaven, mo'okwad," Soto gently informs his son. "Mama je'e watches us from the sky. Like Peanut," he says, referring to a family dog attacked and eaten by a pack of coyotes months back." Now go and read the rest of the story about Anna Nicole Smith's purported Native American lovechild. Trust us, you want to. [Phoenix New Times]
  

· Another little piece of our teenage innocence is torn from us as Eddie Van Halen heads off to rehab. We always thought Michael Anthony would be the first to go, what with that Jack Daniels bass and the constant whiskey-chugging on stage. We blame David Lee Roth, somehow.
· Anna Nicole: The lovingly crafted, hand-sewn finger puppets. It was only a matter of time.
· This depression stuff is really affecting Rosie's blogging. All she can say to the Idol guy's angry response to her weightism/racism charges is a weak, " well.../what can u say really/from the coca-cola red couch/i call it as i see it/nigel l - sam r/same same same/1985 - 2007/blah blah blah blah/blah blah blah blah."
· Happy third birthday to Thighs Wide Shut, whose celebratory post will completely overload your already blog-addled brain.

Try as we might to hold on tight as the The Great American Anna Nicole Coaster takes us on its shriek-inducing journey, there really is no point, as there is always another 360° plunge lying ahead that you never quite saw coming. Case in point: this Phoenix New Times story about Marshall Soto, allegedly the 5-year-old product of an affair Smith had with Johnny Soto, a handyman from the Tohono O'odham Nation she met during a stay at the Sanctuary Resort and Spa on Camelback Mountain. To call the article a must-read is an understatement. An example:

"

When we were but wee ones and first forced to confront the fact of life that is death, we were given the following advice: "If you keep someone in your heart and always remember them, they'll never really be gone." It's good advice, and it's how we've managed to cope thus far with the tragic passing of Anna Nicole Smith. Fortunately, we have "Entertainment Tonight," and its giant story-buying budget, to help us work through the grieving process. Continuing their coverage of our fallen angel's funeral, last night they brought us footage from the after-party. Here's how the scene looked to those lucky enough to be invited; all we can say is it's class all around.

Last evening "Entertainment Tonight," which has owned the Anna Nicole Smith story (literally - they fucking bought it) brought us the touching footage of America's sweetheart being laid to rest. Every note was perfect: the slow procession to the grave, the release of the doves, and then this scene, where our faded rose's mother goes a little bit bonkers with the shovel. Tonight "E.T." takes us to the funeral after-party; we will for sure update you tomorrow.

In the midst of life we are in death, the saying goes, and Entertainment Tonight has always been the go-to source for Anna Nicole Smith exclusives on both sides of that equation, guaranteeing you a front row seat for everything from C-sections to her interment. In today's "Graveside Exclusive," read all about estranged mom Virgie Arthur shovels multiple mounds of earth upon her casket (51 scoops, according to some eyewitness accounts), then, as they tastefully put it, "walks on her grave!" Should you want to pass along the dignified coverage to someone you care about, or merely trick a co-worker into believing the funeral's officiating minister was Mr. T, the "SEND TO A FRIEND" link directly above the grieving Arthur is a convenient click away.

· Everything was going beautifully at Anna Nicole's funeral, until the coffin was attacked by a giant, pink, body-snatching alien squid!
· Please, that's nothing. We can call an Angelina pic blurred down to a single, grey pixel from 10 yards. [via BoingBoing]
· We know you've been on pins and needles since Big Pussy backed out of Dancing with the Stars. Well, sleep easy: That guy from that show has come in to replace him.
· Britney gets out for a little shopping, and becomes totally engrossed in this book that really captures her rehab experience.
· Mmmm...Chicken McHeads...