The ambitious agenda state Republican parties are pursuing to dismantle the infrastructure of the Democratic party isn't just focusing on crushing unions under the guise of "budget balancing." There's a far more dangerous and seditious form of Democrat out there that needs its lollipop stolen, too: The college kids who think they're mature enough to vote responsibly, but clearly don't, since they vote Democratic.

The Republicans' slow limp towards the 2012 election will attempt another lunge forward today in Iowa, as some of the declared, half-declared, and likely future declarers meet for their first candidates' forum. While it's exciting that they'll be in the same physical location in an actual early battleground state, though, it's unclear how much interaction they'll have.

Do you know who Herman Cain is? It's okay, because no one else really does either. But he might be running for president! And he has some serious qualifications: Cain used to run the Godfather's Pizza chain. Mmm. And if that doesn't tempt your taste buds, the AP has some more info on this mysterious pizza man:

Donald Trump's main man Michael Cohen is headed to Iowa next week, which means Donald Trump wants to stay in the spotlight. "I'll be gauging the reception I feel he would have when he comes to Iowa," Cohen told the AP.

Filter-free nutter Mike Huckabee, presidential politics' best unknowing imitation of Charlie Sheen, has concluded his hilarious week of incoherent babbling about Barack Obama's Kenyan childhood, scary Mau Maus, Tony Blair's loaned Winston Churchill bust, Rotary Club vs. madrassa membership statistics, and Natalie Portman's vagina with a snippy press release about that last one.

It's all happening, people. Newt Gingrich, a politician from the 1990s, is officially running for president! No wait, he's just forming an official presidential exploratory committee! No wait, he's just officially "exploring" a presidential bid! Yes, that last one. That's what Newt Gingrich announced he is doing today.

Would-be presidential frontrunner Mike Huckabee humiliated himself a few days ago with his bizarre "Barack Obama's childhood in Kenya during the Mau Mau Revolution made him hate America" radio performance. But instead of simply hanging his head in shame for a little while after that, he doubled down on his fictional dog-whistle psychoanalysis of the president during another ugly interview with one of the most insane people in American politics. What a show! What a... show.

Former Louisiana Gov. Buddy Roemer will apparently run for president! Sure, why not? He's most famous for losing a gubernatorial primary to white supremacist monster David Duke in 1991, as an incumbent. Speaking of Duke, why isn't he running?

It's been a little while since we last checked in on the good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, but he's suddenly become the most popular Republican in the country! And all it took was a few choreographed YouTubes of him screaming at teachers' unions, with his sleeves rolled up (crucially). So why won't he run for president already? Republican operatives, who hate all of the other candidates, demand it.

Fox News' Bret Baier told viewers late this morning that the network has suspended its "contributor arrangements" with Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum for 60 days while they decide on their possible presidential bids. It's just "Fox policy," and the "suspensions will be lifted on May 1 if they notify the network by then that they are not planning to run."

Newt Gingrich, the 1990s' top Tyrannosaurus rex fanboy, is going to make a decision about running for president this week. If he does, which appears "likely," then he'd be the second candidate to form a presidential exploratory committee.

Professional television entertainer Donald Trump got a little boost for his pretend presidential prospects the other day, when a poll came out showing him within two percentage points of Barack Obama in a hypothetical presidential matchup. He proudly, and immediately, flapped his gums about this in the YouTube clip above. Maybe we underestimated him and his ability to enchant dumb America by firing people in a cardboard corporate boardroom for all these terrible, terrible years. Maybe he should be our greatest next president after all.

Republican Sen. John Thune, who's only been considered a possible presidential candidate because he's hot, won't run after all. Sorry ladies, and David Brooks! You'll have to go back to making out with your Mitt Romney pin-ups, yet again.

Why are Republicans having such a hard time finding a decent presidential candidate to crush all the others? It shouldn't be that hard. You only need one, and it's a country of 309 million people. The sitting president is vulnerable, too. That's an incentive to pluck some generic governor who doesn't say insane things all the time! And yet we still have this weak GOP field, where so many candidates have major flaws and aren't really loved by anyone, especially their mothers.

Former senator and likely presidential candidate Rick Santorum has finally acknowledged his "Google problem," and the fact that there's nothing he can do about it.

Republican tribal god Rep. Ron Paul hit the television circuit this morning to celebrate his big straw poll win at this weekend's insane Conservative Political Action Conference. How does Paul feel now, knowing that Republican voters want him to be president, at least according to this straw poll for which he bused in hundreds of supporters? He's flattered as always. Such a humble man, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul.

The first day of this year's all-important Conservative Political Action Conference, a summit for top Republican politicians and operatives heading into a presidential election cycle, wasn't dominated by Newt Gingrich or Tim Pawlenty or any other actual Republican politician. It was Donald Trump, the wealthy television clown, who stole the show with the blunt, meandering speech he'd invited himself to deliver at the last minute.

Mitt Romney wants to be president so badly, but he just can't get anyone to elect him. Don't laugh, okay? He must struggle to get out of bed each and every morning knowing that he'll have to spend the entire day being Mitt Romney, the shiny plastic humanoid who'll never figure out what Republican voters want.

Republicans have a problem heading into the 2012 presidential election: They don't like any of their potential candidates. Huckabee, Romney, Palin, Gingrich, Thune, Pawlenty, Barbour and whoever else comes to mind are all losers. It's hard enough to knock off a sitting president, especially one whose poll numbers are on the rise and is, regardless of your opinion of what his "centrist" motives may portend, doing a fine job thus far of establishing himself as Washington's last reasonable man. It's even harder when all of your potential candidates are, again, losers.

Fred Karger is a retired Republican operative who's pulled off some nasty hatchet jobs in presidential elections past. Now he's a gay activist and running for president himself, pretty much just to harass Mitt Romney in televised debates.