Homeland's James Rebhorn, who passed away last week after an over ten-year battle with skin cancer, had written his own obituary before passing that has subsequently been shared on his New Jersey church's website. It's brings up many feels, and is worth the full read.

Katie Francis, a sixth-grader from Oklahoma City, has broken the record for number of Girl Scout cookies sold—ever. Avert your eyes if you're feeling undervalued today. Her sales were to the tune of 18,000 boxes, which she sold by asking "everyone she knows to buy them."

The judge hath become the judged. In court this afternoon, the former TV personality Judge Joe Brown was sentenced to five days in jail for contempt of court. Brown apparently went on a vicious tirade and became "verbally abusive" after he was told his case would not be presented that day.

Rocky Mountain Arsenal firefighter Thomas Rogers knew exactly what to do when he caught a dangerous "dust devil" or "firenado" on camera. Without pause, he uploaded that clip to YouTube and paired it with some sick thrash metal, and now the fear begins.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, two cyborgs who appeared on a print publication's cover to the dismay of Sarah Michelle Gellar and maybe one other person, are set to be wed in a Parisian ceremony in May. Instead of rice, may we suggest guests toss these florid qualifiers at the newlyweds as they emerge from Versailles' Hall of Mirrors?

Here's a good breakdown of what the United States is doing with aid money in response to Uganda's recent anti-gay law.

Former president and current very-old person Jimmy Carter has admitted to handwriting all of his correspondence because he's very old and also very scared of the NSA.

Remember that scene on The Newsroom where Mac McHale decides she's only going to run stories that viewers can use in the voting booth? Here's a fish that looks like Hitler.

Yale University graduate students invited to a special closed-door chat with war criminal and used-diplomacy salesman Henry Kissinger were told not to divulge the meeting publicly. In related news, graduate students don't keep secrets for shit.

What is Kanye West looking at on his iPad in this ho-hum normal Vogue photo of a boring family having a regular-ass day at home? Use the image template we created to make it anything at all!

Shockingly, 87 percent of consumers think awful banks are also awful at social media. There's only one way to change perceptions like that: Hire credit ratings agencies to lie to us that the banks' Twitters are doing great.

A Florida woman is suing Volusia County and the city of New Smyrna Beach after police officers forced her to poop in her front yard and undress in front of them while they searched her house for meth.

Five former aides to Bernie Madoff have been convicted of participating in his $17.5 billion Ponzi scheme. In their defense, he was a great boss.

Students protesting against a China-Taiwan trade pact are forced by riot police to leave the government Cabinet buildings in Taipei, Taiwan, on Monday, when hundreds of protesters opposed to a broad trade pact with China invaded the offices. Image via Wally Santana.

Last summer, the University of Alabama campus was rocked by allegations that the fabled Greek scene was racist. Well, not allegations: The school's all-white sororities rejected two women because they weren't white. The school's student Senate had a chance to fix things. But last week, they said "fuck it."

Neon Trees lead singer Tyler Glenn has come out as gay. So hey, look, there's another one.

Richard Nixon was a secretive paranoid bigoted sonofabitch. But we never knew the half of it: It turns out his administration waded neck-deep into efforts to sink a war-crimes investigation against U.S. soldiers who notoriously butchered an entire village in Vietnam.

Greg Gutfeld, the Joy Behar of Fox News, has a new book* out (*HAVEN'T READ) called "Not Cool: The Hipster Elite And Their War on You." What is and is not "cool," according to Greg Gutfeld? A brief guide** below.

After booking conservative rocker Ted Nugent, known for hits like "That Time He Called President Obama a Subhuman Mongrel," to play its Fourth of July concert this year, the town of Longview, Texas had second thoughts. Now they'll be paying Nugent $16,250 not to perform on Independence Day.

"The World Health Organization reports that suicide rates have increased 60 percent over the past 50 years, most strikingly in the developing world." Thank god for modern pharmacology.