I have a hickey. Yes, I would high-five all my buddies for this if I were fifteen. However, I am a thirty year-old man. I have been seeing a young lady and spent an enjoyable night with her. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until looking in the mirror the next morning that her idea of enjoyment involves her teeth bruising the dickens out of my neck. Is this just a necessary evil? I feel like I'm too old for hickeys and have been for some time. When I pointed it out, she laughed and said it's her "calling card." Calling card or not, I still have a meeting at work in a few hours. Is that okay?

More than 100 people remain missing after Saturday's deadly mudslide in Washington, though officials said that was a "soft number" and likely to go down. Still, Snohomish County Fire Chief Travis Hots said "the situation is very grim."

What are you doing with your April vacation, Yosemite High students? Beach reading? Killing some brain cells? That's nice. Your veteran science teacher, the former Army officer, plans to finalize her gender transition and return to the classroom as her "authentic self."

Meet the playground's most profane shock comic, This Kid in a Dinosaur Shirt. He knows swears you've never even heard of, and he's not afraid to say them. With his butt-mouth.

It was clear many years ago that drugs have won the drug war. But what about the anti-drug commercials, those great cultural icons of our youth? Turns out that the smart money just gave up on that shit.

In the tradition of DoubleDickDude and The Man With No Ass Crack, another man with freakish genitals has taken to Reddit to show off his odd goods. World, meet a guy who has three testicles.

Michelle Obama tries to assimilate into checks out the Terracotta Warriors with her daughters and her mother in Xi'an, China, on Monday. Image via Alexander F. Yuan/AP.

Last week, someone slowed down a video of Neil DeGrasse Tyson just enough to make the Cosmos host sound unbelievably stoned. Turns out Tyson loved the video, and he played it for a laughing audience at a lecture in Toronto over the weekend.

Just before Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak announced that Flight 370 had crashed into the Indian Ocean, Malaysia Airlines notified the passengers' families of the news via text.

Have u guys ever ridden the L train? What happened?

Today in Ways the United States Tax Code Benefits the Rich: a new study indicates that the politically popular mortgage-interest deduction is useful mostly for helping affluent people buy larger homes.

Ashton Kutcher has totally Punk'd fiancée Mila Kunis by impregnating her with his child, E! News reports. The elaborate 9-month-long prank will end with Kunis giving birth to an actual human person and then caring for it until adulthood. Hilarious!

Billy on the Street is a Fuse show in which comedian Billy Eichner spontaneously challenges New York pedestrians with spontaneous, absurd questions (often about celebrities). The epitome of the show's ability to be funny and almost unwatchably awkward occurred on its most recent episode, when Eichner ran into writer/philosopher Jim Holt (Why Does the World Exist?) seemingly at random. Eichner asked Holt about his sexuality and it did not go well. Holt refused to so much as entertain the conversation of why he didn't want to disclose his sexuality. He then called the interview off and walked away.

A Chicago train car derailed early Monday morning, barreling through the O'Hare Airport station and running halfway up a flight of stairs before coming to a stop.

At a press conference this morning, Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak announced that Flight 370 crashed in the southern Indian Ocean. Malaysia Airlines confirmed the news in a statement, saying that the "plane has been lost and none of those on board survived."

Someone in Kabul hasn't watched Rambo III, obvs.

The moment those of us who still care enough to watch Lindsay Lohan's reality show have been waiting for has arrived: Oprah has swooped in to save the day.

On March 4, a group of anti-abortion protesters descended upon the UC Santa Barbara campus. It did not go smoothly.

Dave Brockie, better known as GWAR frontman Oderus Urungus, was found dead in his Richmond, Va. home Sunday night, the Richmond Times-Dispatch reports.

The death toll from Saturday's mudslide in Washington state now stands at eight. Eighteen people—a number authorities described on Sunday as "fluid"—remain unaccounted for.