Jon Stewart isn’t dead but he might as well be—the man hasn’t appeared on television in months, leaving the once-robust television-blog ecosystem shriveled and weak in the hands of that guy who replaced him (if he’s even still on the air.) But rejoice! This week Stewart popped up at the United Service Organization 75th anniversary event at the Joint Base Andrews in Maryland to introduce Joe Biden, and if you can even believe it—he made a joke about Donald Trump.

Last July, Rep. Keith Ellison, D-Minn., went on ABC News and warned Americans that Donald Trump had a real shot at winning the primary.

John Humphrey Noyes so fervently believed sleeping around could lead to immortality that he convinced 300 people to join him in a utopian socialist community built on that very principle, in upstate New York. As he saw it, promiscuous “interlocked contact” between men and women—in the form of a polyamory scheme he called “Complex Marriage”—would generate enough spiritual energy to propel the human race into some sort of electrically powered, divinely connected eternal life. And that’s only the beginning of the 19th-century Oneida Community founder’s randy theology.

His name is Greg Bonecutter, he lives in West Virginia, and he would like to see trap doors under the White House lawn. The Guardian reports:

Yesterday, after publishing a post detailing the long list of people who have accused Donald Trump of cheating at golf, I received an email from Larry Glick, executive vice president of the Trump Organization and the man who oversees the Donald’s global portfolio of golf courses.

Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts, whose family has spent at least $5.5 million bankrolling the anti-Trump Our Principles PAC, will endorse Donald Trump at a campaign rally in Omaha today. The governor had been expected to endorse Ted Cruz.

The idea of granting every citizen a no-strings-attached universal basic income is still treated as a utopian idea in America. In Switzerland, they’re a month away from voting on it.

On Thursday night, the Obama administration announced that it was taking executive action to close loopholes that enable the kind of tax evasion and money laundering recently revealed by the Panama Papers. The new regulations will compel companies to disclose more information about their owners, the Associated Press reports.

After receiving Donald Trump’s endorsement in 2012, the Republican Party’s sad ex-boyfriend Mitt Romney apparently has no intention of returning the favor.

According to CNN, the FBI is close to concluding its probe into whether Hillary Clinton mishandled classified information by using a private email server and is expected to interview the former Security of State about the matter “in the coming weeks.”

At a campaign rally in West Virginia on Thursday, Donald Trump put on a hat. Specifically, a coal man’s hat for men who mine coal. It served as a convenient excuse for Trump discuss an issue near and dear to his head: Hairspray.

Bullies. Whether they’re taking your lunch money, calling you names online or compelling you to follow landmark civil rights legislation, no one likes a bully. That includes North Carolina House Speaker Tim Moore, who vowed this week to take on the biggest, baddest bully of all: The United States Department of Justice.

After House Speaker Paul Ryan told CNN he was “just not ready” to support Donald Trump on Thursday, citing the need for party unity, the presumptive Republican nominee shot back with a statement saying he, in turn, was “not ready” to support Paul Ryan.

Stephanie Grimes, the features editor at the Las Vegas Review-Journal, announced today that her boss, the newly installed editor-in-chief Keith Moyer, has fired her after she failed to demonstrate sufficient loyalty to the paper’s new management, the members of which were chosen and installed earlier this year by Sheldon Adelson, the conservative billionaire who purchased the Review-Journal last year. The sudden dismissal is the latest in a string of increasingly contentious internal controversies related to concerns about Adelson’s control over the Review-Journal’s coverage.

Here’s Donald Trump at his desk, doing what he does best: Pandering to a group of people he’d previously insulted. Featured alongside his thoughts on where the best taco bowls are made (Trump Tower) and who he loves (Hispanics), is a photograph of his ex-wife in a bikini, spread open on his desk. Life is such a rich tapestry.

Given no other choice, the Republican National Committee is tepidly rallying around Donald Trump and, according to the New York Times, if its employees don’t like it, they can get the hell out.

When it comes to discussions of mortality rates, it seems like all we hear these days is “middle-aged white Americans are dying more.” Okay, fine—but here’s the good news.

In Southern California, the San Andreas fault is “locked, loaded, and ready to roll,” according to one earthquake scientist. Thanks for being so colorful, dude.

Available for $13.50 for one day only, though not at the Trump Tower Grill as he claims.