To his supporters, Vladimir Putin is Hercules, he is Atlas, riding shirtless on his noble steed or soaring over the Arctic with a flock of Siberian cranes. Fitting, then, that at a birthday art show for the Russian president in Moscow this week, the paintings looked like this:

Dean is inconsolable because he's only 6, and he'll only be 7, which makes it—hold on, doing some quick math here—approximately 800 billion weeks before he can finally get married. That's forever! That's at least a thousand million days!

The national data on police shootings is shamefully spotty—that's why our colleagues at Deadspin are putting this together—but using the numbers that are available, ProPublica put together a detailed demographic analysis of the victims. The conclusions are both horrible and totally unsurprising.

Life is an electrocardiogram in which indignities and downtime are rendered as valleys and peaks, respectively. These are the locations and conditions in which celebs found themselves this week:

Despite being an Obama delegate in 2012, Kentucky Democratic Senate candidate Alison Grimes has repeatedly refused to answer the question of whether she voted for Barack Obama. Her bravery and forthrightness should fit right in in Washington.

Many people out walking have stepped on snakes, and recoiled in horror. How many of those people tried instead "leaning in" to the step, so that the pressure on the snake was increased, snapping his spine more cleanly? Only a select few.

It's fun to waste money, but literally burning it loses its thrill after a while. So, the New York Times is innovating: take second graders to one of the most expensive restaurants in Manhattan for a lavish, exorbitant meal they'll hate.

A Mobile, Ala., mom says school officials forced her daughter to sign a contract promising not to commit suicide or harm others after the kindergartner "drew something that resembled a gun," then pointed a crayon at another kid and said "pew, pew!"

Hey, guys—quick thing I wanted to talk about: Let's say you had sex on the subway, or masturbated, heh, or maybe you did it at home, or on the platform, and then brought the condom onto the train, carefully holding it upright so that its gloopy innards didn't spill onto your hands, and tied it to a handrail.

Delta Sigma Phi brothers at the University of Georgia could face criminal charges after they allegedly forced pledges into trash cans full of freezing water and made them recite fraternity history. UGA police chief Jimmy Williamson said yesterday, "We feel the events definitely put people at risk."

I received a dick tip today regarding the picture above (via James Franco's Instagram), which was taken while Franco and Seth Rogen filmed Naked and Afraid:

If you've been on the New York City subway this summer, you've probably seen those odd ads touting a gallery exhibition of "unique footage, artifacts, and video" that will tell "the whole reality about the countries involved in civil war." "Syria, Ukraine…Who's next?" the posters ask, forebodingly. I went to Chelsea earlier this week to find out.

Thousands of Snapchat users may have had their photos compromised, and a collection of nude snaps—including, allegedly, photos of underage users—have been leaked to 4chan and elsewhere. The hack, which Snapchat acknowledged today, is being called "the Snappening."

Breathy Reaganite Peggy Noonan is more than a doddering captive of her own apartment, peeking around corners for imaginary spirits that haunt her. She is also an expert on infectious disease screening processes. And a land, that we call, America.

Vox thinks race isn’t real. It is.

In a series of tweets posted earlier this morning, Amanda Bynes accused her dad of child abuse, saying he was "verbally and physically" abusive when she was a kid and that living with him "was a total nightmare." Now she says the microchip in her brain made her say those things.

Witnesses who saw Amanda Bynes inside New York boutique Pookie & Sebastian described her as "dancing and muttering about plastic surgery." Now we have visual evidence that confirms at least the first portion of that account.

Of all of the unfulfilled promises of Barack Obama's presidency, none stands out more starkly than the continued operation of the disgraceful black hole that is Guantanamo Bay prison. Now, Obama is apparently trying to close the prison while he still can.

Jennifer Lawrence's ex-boyfriend, Nicholas Hoult, just wants to promote his new movie and forget about his singing in About a Boy, and Fox 5's Good Day New York had to make it as awkward as possible. After cringing through "Killing Me Softly," Hoult fielded an unexpected question about J-Law's stolen nude photos—which were originally intended for him—as gracefully as he could.