· Variety wonders if we're all just going through the motions this award season. That's ridiculous—we're totally excited to cheer on our favorite film of the year, TK TK, at Hollywood's most glamorous etc etc... [Variety]

1/2 — I turned the corner in the furniture aisle and saw DAVID COOK in the North Hollywood Target. He was focusing on looking down and texting as much as possible. [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

Thankfully scientists, finished with curing widespread disease and prolonging life, have turned to important studies. Two new endeavors prove two shocking facts: snorting coke makes people annoying, and drunk people like to fuck.

Last night, Jeremy Piven sent a very late text message to Sherri Shepherd—and for once, it didn't say "Come to my room - whoever responds first gets me for the night."

You certainly have to take advantage of the city's free Christmas tree recycling program if you don't feel like it, but would it be too much to ask to avoid tossing your tree into oncoming traffic? [Bowery Boogie]

A German billionaire killed himself after hefty stock losses. A French money manager committed suicide after losing billions to Bernie Madoff. Is shame confined to the Old World?

• Those "anniversary specials" at the Four Seasons and Daniel? They may actually just be recession discounts in disguise. [W&D via GS]
• The latest contender to take over Wakiya is Danny Meyer. [Eater]
• Patois, one of the first upscale spots to open on Smith Street in Carroll Gardens, will serve its final meal on Sunday. [NYT]
• Momofuko Ko is offering a $225 Super Bowl take-out special. [Eater]
• The UWS's Emerald Inn won't be shutting down after all. [NYT]
• A Q&A with food critic (and former New York employee) Gael Greene. [RG]

In an apparent attempt to ingratiate themselves with Page Six's Paula Froelich, some PR firm made a video offering Froelich's dog's stud services for $3,500 per hour. But Karl, the dog, is actually ball-less.

That "sold" sign on the Web space across the street from Defamer HQ finally came down today, with new, conservative neighbors Big Hollywood moving in at last. Let's go meet them, shall we?

If your child is in eighth grade, you have lots of money, and you've been having trouble snagging a reservation at the Waverly Inn, you now have another potential path to those $55 bowls of truffled macaroni and cheese. Greenwich Village High School—the private school backed by Vanity Fair editor (and Waverly co-owner) Graydon Carter, actor John Leguizamo, and New School president Bob Kerrey, among others—is taking applications for its first freshman class through January 15. [NYO]

An airplane flies into two vertical objects: For many ordinary New Yorkers, it's a horrible, still-living memory. For Internet commenters, it's absolutely hilarious.

It's been nearly two months since the town of East Hampton first began its crusade against Ron Baron, the investor accused of razing the 3,000-year-old dunes on his 40-acre beachfront property without obtaining the proper permits in advance. At the time, East Hampton threatened Baron with a $500-a-day fine until the problem was resolved and the "habitat was restored." Unfortunately, it turns out that $500 a day doesn't go very far when you're trying to scare a billionaire into submission.

Are a you laid off media person? Have you joined The American Society of Shitcanned Media Elites (ASSME)? You should, because they're a seriously legitimate organization now. They have T-shirts and everything!

Momma's Boys has quickly become an unhealthy Defamer preoccupation, the explosive possibilities of adding overbearing mothers to the hot-tubs-and-fake-boobs reality formula sending us into convulsive fits of trash TV ecstasy.

Barack Obama has offered the job of Surgeon General to CNN's Sanjay Gupta, and he may accept the position in the next few days, "according to people familiar with the situation at the television network and in the Obama transition." As far as we know, Dr. Drew Pinsky has not yet been tapped to serve as drug czar, but the position is still open, so here's hoping! [NYT]

Liskula Cohen, a Vogue model known for her clubland adventures, is suing Google to make it reveal the identity of a blogger who called her a "skank."

Benicio Del Toro deserves credit for a great many things: his Oscar-winning acting, his inspiration to the mushmouthed, and now, for crafting 2009's very first meme.

[Kristin Cavallari (remember her?) from "Laguna Beach" (remember that?) at her birthday party last night. She's 33 today. (This is a joke.) Happy bday KCa! INF]

Does the Spike Lee quote from The Guardian about how he's a man of means, but not Oprah-means, in today's Page Six and Huffington Post sound familiar?

Remember brotastic internet niche figure Tucker Max and his objectively awful movie script? Where the hell is that flick, huh? Here, your full update on I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, the movie: