Bernie Madoff might not be able to leave his apartment, but now you can take him with you wherever you go! We're very happy to present you with the very first Bernie Madoff ringtone, which in a violation of everything Bernie holds dear, we're giving away for free. The ringtone features a few phrases from a talk Madoff gave in 2007, set, appropriately enough, to the theme music from the horror movie Halloween. As for how to actually turn this MP3 into your ringtone if you don't know how to do it, you should probably consult your cell phone manual or something. We have it working on a couple of Blackberrys—navigate your browser to this address, open the file, and save it your Blackberry and you'll see it appear in the directory of ringtones. It's a bit more complicated with iPhones, but here are instructions if you feel like giving it a shot. Oh, and we'll be giving away a few more ringtones in the next few days, so if you have suggestions, now would be a good time to let us know. [Bernie Madoff Ringtone - Download]

MacRumors, one of the many sites which cover Apple's annual Macworld product launches, has had its live coverage infiltrated, with someone adding the false news of Steve Jobs's death to the blow-by-blow reports.

Sean Penn and Josh Brolin appeared together at last night's New York Film Critic Circle awards dinner, where their Milk characters' rivalry reportedly gave way to a more collegial, tipsy thaw.

Poor Richard Simmons. The weight-loss guru, suffering from a bad case of sparkle-brain (related to this disease) has been making the rounds yet again, shrieking and shrieking and shrieking, terrifying TV people.

Aside from Fisher Stevens, everyone knows that Jeremy Piven's play-quitting sushi defense is bogus (but delicious!). However, E! is now alleging that Piven never actually quit—he was fired.

How bad is the unemployment situation in New York? Here's a clue: Both the New York State Department of Labor's toll-free hotline and the online filing system crashed today because "as many as 10,000 people per hour were trying to log into the system." [AP]

As if nearly exposing Lisa Rinna's snickerdoodle to a horrified America wasn't enough, Richard Simmons's campaign of meal-dealing terror continues to devastate Manhattan.

Andrew Breitbart—the nicer half of the Drudge Report—has finally launched "Big Hollywood," his conservative Hollywood news site, which will end the stifling reign of Hollywood liberals. Let's take a look!

Yesterday was the official beginning of midseason TV! Starting with Gossip Girl. Now all your other favorite shows are coming back, plus some new ones. Let's a take a look.

• Laura Bush either received $1.5 million for her memoir or $3.5-5 million, depending on who you believe. Either way, it's a lot less than Hillary Clinton's $8 million advance for Living History. [NYP, WSJ]
• Chris Matthews is not running for Senate, according to his brother. [P'ticker]
• A new buyer has emerged for TV Guide. The movie studio Lionsgate is picking up the cable network and website for $255 million. [AP]
• Senior Village Voice staffers are taking 10-15 percent pay cuts. [DW]
• Another reason kids can't find Iraq on a map: Foreign-related news coverage by the three major networks fell to a record low during 2008. [IPS]
• Those ads on the front-page of the Times run $75K on weekdays. [NYP]
• Ogilvy & Mather is cutting 10 percent of its staff today. [AdAge]
• CBS's Lara Logan gave birth to a son. [FBDC]

ZACHARY QUINTO, TV's Sylar and Spock in the upcoming J. J. Abrams Star Trek installment, out for a quiet Italian dinner with a friend at Prizzi's Piazza on Franklin. [Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

If you happen to spot designer Roberto Cavalli, could you kindly take him aside and explain to him that now is really not the time to introduce useless things like credit cards made out of snakeskin? Putting aside the fact the card comes with useless "perks" like seats at Cavalli's fashion shows and access to "special" sales, we're pretty sure the only people who'd be caught dead with these things are Russians and they don't have any money any more, so why bother? [Luxist]

The new year brings a new ploy for Roman Polanski's legal restoration, which his attorneys now argue should be moved out of the polluted, prejudiced Los Angeles mire.

Ivanka Trump (left) shopping on Madison Avenue with a friend ... Chloe Sevigny walking around in a red hat and red boots ... Kate Hudson leaving her West Village apartment with two friends ... Hugh Jackman hanging out with his kids in the Village ... Maggie Gyllenhaal crossing the street ... Heather Mills heading into the Avalon Day Spa on Christopher Street ... Kate Winslet on a stroll ... Julianna Margulies and husband Keith Lieberthal showing up at Nobu for dinner ... and Jon Stewart watching a Knicks game at Madison Square Garden with his son.

A commenter alleges that this is a photo of Ann Coulter on a flight from NYC to Florida last week, wearing a Michael Jackson-type mask and fur coat. Impossible to tell.

A bit of bad news for anyone hoping to sell their apartment in the near future. A new report released yesterday confirms NYC is experiencing the same pain as other parts of the country: During the fourth quarter, the number of Manhattan co-op sales fell 23.4 percent, the number of listings were up 52.2 percent, and the median resale price dropped 3.6 percent. [NYP]

Like something dreamt up in a joyful vision of the future along with safe tanning, hair that grows blonde out of your head, and Sara Lee chocolate layer cake with negative calories, the Ultrashape machine apparently shrinks the flab on your body without any cutting, pain, or downtime. "It actually breaks down the fat cell and gets rid of the unwanted fat much like liposuction does," says Canadian plastic surgeon Ari Benchetrit. The bad news is it's still in clinical trials in the U.S., so even if you've never felt strongly enough about an issue to call your senator before, now might be the time. If the FDA hurries up and gives it its seal of approval, it might be just the kind of morale boost our country needs right now.

[Kate Moss. Model. Is she pregnant? Nobody knows. Not even Bauer-Griffin, where this picture is from.]

German billionaire Adolf Merckle, one of the 100 richest people in the world, has killed himself by jumping in front of a train—emotionally "broken" over a bad bet on Volkswagen last year.

Well Sinead O'Gossip Girl. Shock me, shock me, shock me with your deviant behavior. Deviant, I mean, for this show. Which returned after a brief hiatus last night. Let's talk about it!