We were too busy winning a strawberry-shaped welcome mat at drag queen bingo last night to watch Kell on Earth. Thankfully fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was up to some shenanigans of her own.

In your bulleted Tuesday media column: the TV industry is mean to women, Jeff Goldberg escapes the PLO, Justin Rocket Silverman's new job, and Rupert Murdoch loses hundreds of millions, haha.

In Sizing Up Sperm, thousands of men and women dress in white and run around town in an attempt to explain... insemination? The miracle of life? The miracle of junk?

US Senate candidate Joe DioGuardi's official YouTube channel offers this video, apparently filmed with a Flip camera pointed at a TV, of DioGuardi's appearance on Fox & Friends this morning. He fathered someone you may have heard of!

Drag Race is back! Well, it never left, but I did. For various and mysterious reasons, I missed last week's episode. Apologies. Let's start anew today, with the rockingest episode yet.

Check out this awesomely gory claymation of the movie Evil Dead. From the buckets of blood to the melting faces, this is one remake worth your time.

Like the greater Twittership at-large, celebrity tweets are mostly pointless. Facts easily learned from other sources bore readers and clog feeds. Obvious topics and endless LOLs are even more unnecessary if the personality that makes the poster celeb-worthy is absent.

Though figure skating is most often described with tiresome combinations of adjectives like "delicate" and "graceful", Johnny Weir, always an iconoclast, is known to bring his own sexually-charged power into the rink.

AOL hired an army of underemployed music lovers to interview bands at South by Southwest. But the citizen journalists, paid $50 per story, are missing their deadlines, so AOL sent a panicked mass email (below).

Jay-Z is a pretty good rapper. Jay-Z is not the best rapper ever. Jay-Z is not a role model. Jay-Z is not a hip hop hero. Not even for you, cool kids. Get off Jay-Z's dick.

Last night's episode was all about people reaching out for one another. Unrequited lovers reaching for a warm body. Mothers reaching for sons. Daughters for fathers. Jenny for a sack of pills.

On The Early Show, Senator Dodd applauds Harry Smith's recent televised colonoscopy, but he likens the feeling of having ones anus checked to passing the finance reform bill. The only difference being a colonoscopy usually accomplishes something.

CNN, America's Favorite Source of Dumb Guys Reading Twitter Out Loud, has signed conservative blogger Erick Erickson to their "Best Political Team." This is a wonderful hire, as it provides yet another excuse to avoid CNN entirely.

This granny introduces a BBC program on punk with the most fitting disclaimer she can. Warning of the questionable content ahead, she launches into a shocking stream of swears that are actually pretty adorable coming from a sweet old lady.

Kirstie Alley was on Today this morning hawking Organic Liaison, her weight-loss rip-off. Asked if all the (true) claims about the link between Organic Liaisons and Scientology are true, which they are, she said, "Bullshit."

One set of twins tricks well-meaning passerby into going into their home for a first aid kit...where the second set of twins lie in wait to give them stank face for entering uninvited.

This nice lady has unleashed her gift of hand-less clapping onto the internet. We think she needs to understand that hypnotic flab undulation and only hypnotic flab undulation is what's launched her to viral stardom — no weird party-tricks needed.

Today in Queens, there is a special election for the State Senate seat of face-slashing gay-hating Hiram Monserrate. Hiram's running, along with two people who aren't violent psychopaths.

Michael Moore emerged from a long hiatus to voice his outrage about health care on Tavis Smiley. What came out was the sad reality that one man cannot change the world—unless he's skinny.

Can strong core muscle workouts and avoiding bad stew give you plump lips, a killer imperialist warrior spirit, and a victory over Manny Pacquiao? These and other important issues are explored in today's Fitness Watch—we're watching fitness, downward doggedly!