Rats rarely bring us joy, so let’s take the opportunity to cherish this wonderful video of a little cheesehound dragging a slice of pizza down the steps of the First Avenue L station in Manhattan.

Late last night, the Daily Mail published an astounding excerpt of an unauthorized biography of UK Prime Minister David Cameron, alleging that he placed a “private part” of his body into the mouth of a dead pig’s head while at Oxford University.

A Florida woman was arrested Thursday for alleged domestic battery after her husband’s waist-mounted GoPro camera caught her “intentionally striking him in the testicles.” According to an arrest report obtained by The Smoking Gun, the man had started wearing the camera “due to issues in the past with incidents like this.”

In June 2005, the president of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Warren Jeffs, was charged with sexual assault of a minor. Jeffs went on the run, and over a year later, he was finally caught with one of his wives, one of his brothers, four computers, 16 cell phones, three wigs, and 12 pairs of sunglasses. This was the first that most Americans had ever heard of Jeffs, but his reign and influence had been far-reaching within his community for the past two decades.

The internet’s greatest troll paradise has been without a leader since its founder, Christopher “Moot” Poole resigned in January. Today 4chan announced it’s been purchased by Japanese internet star and businessman Hiroyuki Nishimura.

Ed Klein is a writer of political books, and a thoroughly discredited right wing political conspiracy theorist. He publishes outrageous and untrustworthy political allegations for a living. That said, his latest rumor is pretty entertaining.

A San Francisco couple went to Burning Man. But wait, it gets worse. While they were gone, the housesitter they found on TrustedHousesitters.com rented their apartment out on AirBnb, the Guardian reports. The sharing economy has gone mad, and San Francisco is a monster of its own creation.

Stepmom actress Susan Sarandon claims she “loves this pope,” but does she know something we don’t? Namely who he’ll be assassinated by, and when? I can’t say with absolute certainty that she doesn’t—especially after dropping this hint about his impending death to the New York Daily News.

Cool Pope “Francis” (a pseudonym) has said some things in the past that could be interpreted as less than completely enthusiastic about the predations of unrestrained capitalism. That bastard. The plutocrats will show him he’s wrong—the capitalist way!

A Texas man was arrested and charged with making a false police report on Friday after allegedly defacing his own car and blaming it on supporters of the Black Lives Matter movement, the NY Daily News reports.

An Alabama man was arrested for three counts of attempted murder today after authorities say he opened fire in a church in Selma, Alabama, injuring his girlfriend, their newborn child and a clergyman that attempted to stop him, NBC News reports.

Tonight at 8 P.M., Andy Samberg will take the stage to host the 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards: the least important trophy ceremony for the lucrative art of play-pretend we’ll cover this award season. We’ll be here all night liveblogging the wins, losses, and sour faces, and we’d like to invite you to join us.

Citing an unnamed member of parliament, a forthcoming biography of David Cameron claims Britain’s Conservative Prime Minister “put a private part of his anatomy” in a dead pig’s mouth during an initiation ritual as a student at Oxford, the Daily Mail reports.

“Beach goers enjoy a day floating with their dogs at Haulover Beach Park, Sunday, Sept. 20, 2015, in Miami Beach, Fla.,” the caption to this photo, taken by the Associated Press’ Wilfredo Lee, reads.

The head of an Indianapolis gymnastics academy arrested last month on charges of child pornography and molestation was found dead in his cell of apparent suicide, the Associated Press reports.

In an interview Sunday with NBC, Republican presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson said he does not think a Muslim person should ever serve as president: “I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I absolutely would not agree with that.”

In a brief court appearance on Saturday, Leslie Allen Merritt Jr., a 21-year-old landscaper charged in connection with a series of 11 shootings that took place along a freeway in Arizona earlier this month, maintained his innocence: “All I have to say is I’m the wrong guy,” he said.

A teenaged couple in North Carolina have been prosecuted for having nude photos of themselves and each other on their cell phones, the Guardian reports. The boy took a plea deal to avoid jail time and being registered as a sex offender.

On Saturday night, Donald Trump appeared in the parking lot of Urbandale High School, in suburban Des Moines, Iowa, to speak to the teens gathered there before their fall homecoming dance. “Hello folks,” Trump said. “Oh, they’re so young. Look at them, so young and beautiful and attractive.”