College newspaper controversies. Is there anything more amusing? I’ll tell you a secret: there is not. Oh, we have a good one today.

If Bill Gates gave away his entire fortune, he could give $1,736 to every American living in poverty, enough for each of them to buy themselves an Apple laptop.

Sean Penn—a famous actor who has been accused of beating up a woman—says he’s nothing like Terrence Howard—a famous actor who has been arrested for beating up a woman. And incredibly, Penn is suing Empire showrunner Lee Daniels for $10,000,000—just for making the comparison.

Say you’re a wild raccoon and you want to use the Precious Moments-esque saucer eyes you’ve been gifted with to trick a human into feeding you regularly. You could pick just anyone, or you could be efficient and choose a hippie who will let you walk all over her (or in this case, roll a stone over her glass door for sometimes hours at a time, causing physical damage to her property). What do you do? If you’re the wily motherfucker above, you go with the hippie and you roll your way to viral fame while eating the profits.

Even before he earned national infamy for jacking up the price of life-saving cancer and HIV meds and then being a general shit about it on Twitter, Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli was working hard on a toxic reputation. Court documents show Shkreli’s disturbing history of tormenting the wife and daughters of a business foe.

Scott Walker, a bad governor from Wisconsin, became the second Republican candidate to drop out of the presidential race yesterday. Like Rick Perry, Walker was facing abysmal polling numbers and quickly running out of funds. Also like Perry, he was somehow considered a favorite in the race by certain pundits paid to think about such things.

Academia is one of the few venues in America where claiming membership in a minority group can potentially further your career, rather than, you know, the opposite. Are colleges adequately policing their professors’ ancestry claims, like true detectives?

Just a year after JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon’s cancer diagnosis, another financier health scare: Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who announced to shareholders Tuesday that he has a “highly curable” form of lymphoma. Tough year to be a billionaire banker you say? Sure, I guess.

An Oklahoma four-year-old was reportedly saved from demonic possession last week after a sharp-eyed pre-K teacher noticed him writing with his left hand—the devil’s hand.

An ousted executive suing a celebrity financial management firm says the company climate was sexist as hell, and not even VIVA GLAM Rihanna™ model Rihanna was safe from their comments, the lawsuit alleges.

On Monday, Nightly Show host Larry Wilmore engaged in the age-old comedy tradition of making an old white guy say #teenblackthings, encouraging guest Bernie Sanders to say his plans for criminal justice reform were “on fleek”—or, as Sanders pronounced it, “un fleek.”

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt contemptuous, anti-gay civil servants.

A Colorado man was convicted of first-degree murder on Monday after prosecutors say he fatally shoved his wife off a 128-foot cliff in Rocky Mountain National Park in order to collect millions of dollars in insurance money, Buzzfeed reports.

The former owner of Peanut Corporation of America was sentenced to 28 years in prison today for his role in a salmonella outbreak blamed for killing nine people and sickening at least 714 more, USA Today reports.

Today, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker finally abandoned a presidential campaign that had been taking on water for months. But did he drop out simply because he can’t win, or is there something more to it?

Early Sunday morning, police responding to a call from a Sunrise, Florida, apartment found a 24-year-old man crying on his bathroom floor next to his girlfriend’s body. He was surrounded by both the woman’s blood and her “body tissue.”

A new report says America’s affordable housing crisis will soon grow worse, with an 11% rise in households spending more than half their income on rent over the next decade. So: any bright ideas?

After polling at a humiliating (less than) one-half of one percent, Scott Walker has apparently realized that, maybe, 2016 just isn’t his year. At a press conference set for 6 p.m. Eastern, Walker is expected to withdraw his candidacy.

As all New Yorkers know, the best section in the New York Times bar none is the “Sunday Routine.” So far this year, 38 people have been featured in the “Sunday Routine.” What is their Sunday routine?

Given that Big Pharma executives are mostly visible monsters with fangs and horns, they usually avoid the spotlight. But after raising the cost of a life-saving pill by 5,000 percent, Turing CEO Martin Shkreli is loudly telling the world to fuck off.