“The ultimate question is ‘could a dog fly a plane?’ so we have undertaken some training using an aircraft simulator.” What hath God wrought!

Immediately following a deadly U.S. airstrike on a Doctors Without Borders hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan’s national security advisor told a European diplomat, “We are without doubt, 100 percent convinced the place was occupied by Taliban,” the Associated Press reports. There is still no evidence to support this claim.

Next time you order mediocre drunken noodles from that generic-sounding restaurant that pops up first when you type “Thai” into the Seamless search bar, you should know that you may receive mediocre drunken noodles from a different generic-sounding Thai restaurant altogether—and that the one you ordered from may not exist at all.

A Chicago pastor claimed Wednesday that Comcast canceled an appointment to fix an internet outage at his church, citing a fear of violence in the neighborhood.

Jeb Bush, by some measures, despises conflict. This is, of course, an especially curious personality trait for someone running for a presidential nomination in one of the largest fields ever. Case in point would be Bush getting railroaded multiple times by John Kasich in last night’s debate.

Billionaire hedge fund mogul Bill Ackman (pictured) is in a tiff with billionaire Bershire Hathaway investment mogul Charlie Munger. The topic? Whose investments are more “moral.” Now that’s what I call comedy!

Criminal allegations against a 21-year-old Michigan man have gone from bad to worse after police investigating him for an alleged cancer hoax discovered he may also have sexually assaulted a 13-year-old boy.

In the pages of this weeks issue of The Hollywood Reporter sits a full-page ad taken out by one Eric D. Wilkinson. “I am a producer and writer of independent movies,” it begins. “I withdrew money I don’t really have from my savings to reach out today to tell you that I love the movie Die Hard. Let me say that again...I LOVE DIE HARD.”

The French are less than enthusiastic about many things—Kanye West, body fat, and expressing enthusiasm chief among them—but one thing they’re absolutely not going to go along with is sitting down for dinner with the Iranians for an alcohol-free meal.

Editor’s Note: The board of directors of the Dodo has responded to this article, disputing the author’s characterizations of its business strategy, spending rate, staff morale, as well as the timeliness of the story, which addresses many issues that were contained to the Dodo’s first year of operation, in 2014. Its full response can be found below.

The manager of a Louisiana drive-through car wash was doing some routine cleaning when his power-washer hose got sucked into one of the large, rotating scrubber, and sucked him in along with it. Unable to move, thanks to the hose wrapped around him, Josh Hood endured roughly 30 embarrassing seconds of spin-cycle before slipping free.

After last nights’s 187th Republican presidential debate, SBNation’s PFT Commenter asked Ben Carson—who thinks abortion should be outlawed even in cases of rape and incest—a very important question. “You are perhaps the most anti-Hitler but also the most anti-abortion candidate,” he said. “Would you be in favor of aborting baby Hitler?”

If you’re a detainee making a phone call from jail, there’s a good chance your conversation will be recorded in full, logged with your name, and digitally stored in perpetuity—even if you’re talking to your attorney.

Cops are now reportedly investigating claims that one of the Louisiana marshals who shot and killed a six-year-old last week had a prior, antagonistic relationship with the child’s father.

In one of Seinfeld’s most memorable episodes, George spends the entire 30 minutes telling his friends about the great comeback he would have employed against an insulting coworker, if he’d thought of it at the time. At the end, he travels halfway across the country and painstakingly recreates the original situation just to tell the guy “The jerk store called, and they’re running out of you!” A sick burn that Ben Carson’s campaign almost landed on Donald Trump last night was kind of like that, too.

Ohio State Highway Patrol officials confirmed this morning that nine people—two pilots and seven employees from a Florida real estate company—were on board the small jet that crashed into an apartment building yesterday in Akron. There were no survivors.

A British politician receiving a largely ceremonial induction from the Queen is apparently grappling with deep-seated questions like, “Do I have to kneel?” and “Can I fake kissing her?”

Attention, American voters: make the right choice in 2016. Elect the candidate from the party the firmly vows not to raise your wages. Uhhhhhh.

After getting booted from yesterday’s debates for his low numbers, South Carolina Senator and seersucker suit come-to-life Lindsey Graham (who is currently polling at a solid 0.0%) decided to do what any of us do in the face of rejection: Get drunk and whine to our friends on social media. And since Graham’s BFF is none other than Senator John McCain—whose former spokesman just so happened to have recently released Sidewire, a sort of Twitter knock-off—Graham was free to let loose. Because absolutely no one else knows it exists.

“It’s so trivial that the Catholic League won’t even be commenting on the situation,” reads the reactionary religious group’s official statement on the Starbucks cup controversy that’s supposedly rocking the Christian right. This is what happens when we treat products of the online garbage content cycle as actual news.