Dallas Wiens, who was given the country's first full face transplant surgery back in March, unveiled his new look at a news conference. Know what? He looks pretty damn good!

They're both new to the neighborhood, and they hate each other. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and former deputy Owen Van Natta are apparently moving into the same opulent corner of Palo Alto, California. But Van Natta scored the posher pad.

Meet J.T. Tran, "The Asian Playboy" and America's "#1 Dating Coach for Asian Men." He makes a cameo in Wesley Yang's New York magazine article about high-achieving Asian-American underdogs. As an aerospace engineer, J.T. spent his spare time studying from The Game pick-up artist Mystery. Soon, he became the Kumon math teacher of seduction.

Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah, former star dancer, do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do abstinence advocate, and facial shape shifter, has her own reality show. No, it's not Extreme Makeover. It's some crazy project for the Bio channel.

In your wheezing Monday media column: Matt Drudge lives, the WaPo union gets cheeky, Robert Lipsyte snipes, CBS cans its Early Show producer, Phillippe Dauman is overpaid, and Ann Curry is happy.

The Obama administration has gone through all of the properties the federal government owns and come up with "roughly 14,000 buildings and structures currently designated as excess and thousands of others that are underutilized." It plans to sell "or get rid of" as many of these as possible over the next three years, which will supposedly save $15 billion.

I have always called Jersey Shore the most important sociological experiment of our time, and it seems one intrepid University of Chicago student agrees with me because he's not only stolen my tag line, but is trying to organize an academic conference around the reality show. This is a brilliant idea.

The big mayoral race in North Bergen, New Jersey is coming to a close tomorrow. Are you a North Bergen resident who doesn't care who wins and will vote for whichever politician has the best TV commercial? Then longtime mayor Nick Sacco would be honored to have your vote! Watch youthful voters and old hippie ladies alike sing, "I don't know where you be from, but I be from North Bergen, son," while expressing their approval for Mayor Sacco. [via Tom Scocca]

"Crack is whack" singer Whitney Houston is apparently in outpatient rehab for drugs and alcohol yet again. This is her third stint, but the first since 2005.

Everyone thought that Jim Moats, a pastor in Newville, Pennsylvania, was a retired Navy SEAL and a Vietnam war hero. He had a plaque to that effect hanging in his office, and he wore the trident medal symbolizing SEAL membership. For a profile in yesterday's local paper, Moats told of being "waterboarded" by SEAL instructors, and of being busted down to a kitchen worker after getting in a fight. "I had almost no discipline. I was as wild as they came. That was my nemesis," Moats said. "They weren't looking for a guy who brags to everyone he is a SEAL. They wanted somebody who was ready but had an inner confidence and didn't have a braggadocio attitude."

Everything is unraveling! Marriages and friendships and dress companies. It's all coming undone for our California bliss-monsters, their threads pulling and fraying like so many, well, cheap dresses. At least there was wine to comfort them, as there always is.

Digging holes in the sand: a time-honored beach tradition. Also, surprisingly dangerous! A member of the Austrian Olympic swim team had to be rescued by a crew of 60 people after jumping into a hole he dug in the sand in Pompano Beach, Florida.

Ubiquitous den of violence and flim-flammery McDonald's has always been the haven of choice for urban and rural hobos alike. But with Starbucks moving aggressively to corner the hobo-gathering-place market, McDonald's is striking back with a billion-dollar hobo-attraction campaign of its own.

We all knew that Aaron Schock, the abs-baring Republican congressman from Illinois, was seriously cut, but now he's posing fully shirtless in Men's Health. And his body is even better than we thought.

Donald Trump wants to clarify that he's "the least racist person there is." In fact, he says, he's so not-racist that Randal Pinkett, who is black, "won on The Apprentice a little while ago, a couple years ago, and Randal's been outstanding in every way."

With just six posts, an anonymous gossip became one of Britain's most controversial Twitter users this weekend. A nation is scandalized: The British have discovered that false rumors can be spread on the internet!

A shocked nation recoils as Christina Aguilera dares show her face with anything less than professional hair and makeup. Victoria Beckham gets a "quinny buzz." Benjamin Millepied throws a tantrum. Monday gossip has fascist beauty standards.

Is teach pale, a beached whale? A new study out of the normally conscientious nation of Canada indicates that assistant professors in that peaceful nation's institutes of higher learning are woefully deficient in the "Fourth R": exercise.

Well, we have two days for him to back out of it again, but former House Speaker and cuddly animal lover Newt Gingrich is launching a presidential campaign.

Screw Hamlet and Henry and regular Hero. Who Kenneth Branagh should have been focusing on all this time are superheroes. Superheroes like Thor, who has brought him by far the biggest of his directing career.