President Obama had "two teams of specialists" at the ready after the Osama Bin Laden mission: "One to bury Bin Laden if he was killed, and a second composed of lawyers, interrogators and translators in case he was captured alive." (Or so "senior officials" tell The New York Times.) If he had been captured alive, he'd have been taken, in order "to preclude battles over jurisdiction," to a Navy ship — the U.S.S. Carl Vinson, most likely — where he would have been interrogated. (Even so, "the mission," officials say, "was always weighted toward killing.") The question remains: Did the interrogators have six-packs? Was there a dog with the lawyers? Did it have titanium teeth? Because otherwise, seriously, bo-ring. [NYT; image via AP]

Last week, Fox News aired the first debate for Republicans planning to run for president in 2012. Filled with crazy statements from Ron Paul, flip-flopping from Tim Pawlenty, and an unknown frontrunner, it provided more than enough material for Jon Stewart on tonight's Daily Show.

After 25 years of marriage, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. Shriver, a journalist and Kennedy family member, moved out of the couple's mansion a few weeks ago while the two "work on the future of [their] relationship."

The Navy is getting a special reward for shooting Osama Bin Laden: Gay marriage! Navy chaplains will be, officially, allowed to officiate same-sex marriages after Don't Ask Don't Tell ends this summer. The news came in a memo, which also covered the possibility of using base facilities for the events:

We have, in the past, attempted to clear up the apparently common misconception that 911 is for frivolities like nude Facebook photos or business cards. (It is not. It is for emergencies only.) Would that Raymond Roberge had listened!

Attention! Parents! Alert! Is your child out, in the public? A sex perv may be photographing your child right now, for his own, nefarious/sexual purposes. That's why New Jersey lawmakers have proposed a bill that would ban photographs of kids.

While our federal government continues to spend its taxpayers' money on useless things like the U.S. Senate, the Pacific island nation of Samoa is doing something awesome: Time-traveling. Into the future!

Do you or someone you love suffer from "E-Hoarding?" No, because it is a disease made up by a Florida news station desperately grasping for something to put in front of their reality-TV-addled viewers faces. (Aren't there any horrific sex crimes down there you guys should be covering?)

Today we heard the story of a Pennsylvania pastor who totally lied about being a Navy SEAL. Uh oh! What a dumb thing to do, end of story. Though at least one good thing came out of this: an opportunity for a good seal joke.

While reporting on a gruesome murder in the Mid-Wilshire area of LA, a KTLA news reporter managed to seem cheery and excited, and conducted a charming little interview with a neighborhood eccentric.

Turns out the Long Island serial killer is likely two serial killers. Great.

Alicia Silverstone had a son last week and named him Bear Blu. That sounds more like a cartoon show than a human being. However, we're sure he'll fit right in with Apple, Phineas, and Moroccan at his celebrity pre-school.

After pricing crystal-studded bottles of water at $35 and $55, BlingH2O has now introduced a $2600 bottle of water. It's exactly the same as water they sell at Cracker Barrel, but with fancier packaging:

Nate Silver, whose confusing math blog became part of the New York Times web site last summer, recently signed up for a new webchat service that allows people to buy facetime with him for $1,000 an hour, only to back out as soon as people started asking, "Hey, why is the New York Times letting one of its bloggers sell webchats for $1,000 an hour? And, really, $1,000 an hour?"

House Speaker John Boehner will tell a bunch of bankers tonight that his members won't accept a federal debt ceiling hike for anything less than "trillions" in spending cuts. This is an aggressive posture. Stupid arbitrary caps on stuff!

A little boy says he went to heaven, his father writes a book about it, and now this book is becoming a movie. The Rapture is almost upon us, everyone! Also today: Johnny Depp is going to play a classic crime solver, Catherine Hardwicke loves her some teenagers, and Hunger Games newz!

Bubonic plague! Gay cancer! Autistic children! Chocolate milk! Head injuries! Newborn risk! Fat war! Sex aneurysm! And the very latest semen information! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—to keep from crying!

Tumblr, the microblogging service for the hip and with-it, is currently down. It appears that hordes from the chaotic message board 4chan are to blame. Welcome to round two of the Tumblr-4chan war!

Florida Gov. Rick Scott recently turned down $2 billion in federal funds for high-speed rail, mostly as a means of sticking it to the liberals in Washington. But If you live in one of more than a dozen other states, you should thank Governor Scott for his sacrifice! Because the Department of Transportation announced how it would divvy up Florida's rejected money today.

Today Lady Gaga unleashed her newest single, "Edge of Glory" to a flurry of internet squealing. To me it sounds like she traded in ripping off Madonna and went right for another '80s icon: Pat Benatar. There's even a sax solo!