Know what is funnier than fat people falling or breaking things? Famous fat people falling or breaking things. Know what's funnier than that? When it happens on national television.

We're still pretty early into the holiday season, but lo, enemy forces have already entrenched themselves on a central front in this year's War on Christmas: Rhode Island, state of... whatever. The governor there — like other recent governors! — has decided to call the 17-foot blue spruce in the Statehouse a "holiday tree," rather than a Christmas tree. Oh. Shit.

After weathering a litany of nuptial humiliations, unbelievably pathetic disposable husband Kris Humphries is taking action against 72-day wife Kim Kardashian: TMZ reports that Kris is countering Kim's divorce papers with his own request for annulment "on the grounds that Kim defrauded him."

Patrick J. Sullivan Jr. was the beloved Republican sheriff of Arapahoe County, Colo., for nearly 20 years before he retired in 2002. In 2001, he was named national Sheriff of the Year. Yesterday he was arrested by the department he used to run for offering a man meth in exchange for sex.

The Fox News station in Boston kicked off their newscast last night with this investigation, about a local English teacher and crew coach who made several gay porn movies recently. He's now on paid leave and will probably lose his job. What do we think of all this?

Wherefore the laid-off journalist? Thousands of well-trained, conscientious, and skilled reporters and editors have been laid off in the past few years, fallen victim to the recession and the euphemistic "changing nature of the media." Countless others saw the way the cookie was crumbling and got out by choice/ necessity.

If The Social Network taught us anything, it's that no technology feels real until it's effectively rendered in moving pictures. That's why this new video of the software tracking every keystroke on most Nokia, Android and BlackBerry devices is so important.

Max was a little taken aback by the Scottsdale Gun Club's plan to offer posed Christmastime portraits with Santa and machine guns, but now that some have been released I think they're delightful. Locked and loaded for a merry Christmas and a very happy new year!

The conservative Israeli government is pretty convinced at this point that the greatest threat to the Diaspora is not necessarily from Iran so much as it is from lazy American Jews, who have no discipline and are always spreading around liberal nonsense like "maybe we should try to make nice with the Palestinians" and so on. It has now gone so far as to create ads showing what terrors will befall Israelis who raise their children in America: Specifically, that their kids will end up celebrating Christmas!

Just when you think America has achieved a modicum of race-related civility, the dumb fucks of the Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church of Pike County, Kentucky vote to ban interracial couples from their church. Quit existing already, you racist hicks.

Add this to the list of Wall Street's problems: kids these days don't think banks are "cool" any more, for some reason. (Kids. You know?) The NYT says that even Yale kids are protesting when Morgan Stanley comes to campus to recruit their peers who know how to pick out a decent suit, which is probably... the best thing Yalies have ever done.

A maniac of a 14-year-old girl (they're all maniacs) went on a pepper spray rampage, spraying down a classroom of students and sending nine to the hospital. Remember all the worst scenes in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan imagines the high school as a chaotic wild animal kingdom? It was just like that but with pepper stray. And in Harlem.

In its attempt to gloss over every movie you ever loved with forgettable songs, silly plot reimaginings, and sentimental nostalgia, Broadway is now bringing over Ghost: The Musical from London. Based on this snippet, it looks pretty damn bad.

Scientists have come a long way in making robots seem more human—and yet the essential human trait of "self-hatred" has eluded them. So far. Researchers at TheCorpora have managed to give their little pan-European-accented friend Qbo the ability to recognize itself in the mirror. (As Qbo says, "nice.") It's not perfect—Qbo would likely "recognize" other Qbos as itself—but it's an important development in the only strategy that will win us the upcoming robot-human war: giving them all of our neuroses. [via PopSci]

Does Herman Cain just drink constantly on the campaign trail? We didn't hear much about this as he was becoming the frontrunner, but the faster he plummets, and the more his allies turn on him, the more delicious these stories should become! It's already starting.

What's that awful sound spewing from little Johnny's earbuds? If Johnny is from the age of 14-23, it's probably Skrillex. Come, old person, now that you know about Justin Bieber and "Swag" it's time to learn about the insanely popular DJ your tween offspring is currently necking to in the back of your Plymouth.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has never been accused of taking a heavy-handed approach to governing. Want to smoke? Go ahead! Want to have a little salt with your deep-fried meat product? All you, baby! Want to camp out for a few weeks in a park to protest? Who's going to stop you? Only his army.

Warren Buffett, the third-richest man in the world, is buying the Omaha World-Herald, his hometown newspaper. The purchase price has not been revealed. But even if it was, oh, $50 million, it would be a purchase for Warren Buffett approximately proportional to you buying a cheap pair of shoes.

Alright, guys, I have a confession to make: I broke Glee. Well, maybe not me alone, but I think I done broke it. I told it to stop being an insane mess that makes no sense and now it's just...a boring mess that makes no sense. Man, last night.

Mitt Romney doesn't give all that many in-person, one-on-one interviews, and perhaps this rare exception for Fox News' Bret Baier shows why. He gets snippy at any mention of him lacking convictions, or flip-flopping all the time, as though these are not the major concerns about him among the Republican base. Watch him anger-laugh all of these questions away! "Hey Mitt, why do you love health care mandates so much?" "HA HA, BRET, YOU ARE TOO GOOD, TOO GOOD, HA HA HA (I WILL KILL YOU.)"