No longer content to obsess about the genital structures between your legs, Cosmopolitan magazine has now uncovered an "above-the-waist G-spot" in females, an "eye erection" capacity in males, and a secret penis in the tip of a man's nose. Is this a fetish or something? An evolution of acrotomophilia, perhaps?
Don't listen when they tell you Congress can't get anything done: It has finally lifted the five-year ban on slaughtering horses for human consumption in the U.S., creating literally dozens of jobs for people who want to slaughter horses and unshackling the horsemeat-for-human-consumption industry from the heel of government oppression that has kept it down for so long. Let freedom reign.
Cops managed to not pepper-spray a victim of our country's absurdly creditor-happy finance laws for once in their lives this weekend when they refused to evict a 103-year-old woman and her 83-year-old daughter. Progress!
Daniel Craig ridicules Kourtney Kardashian's placenta. Kellan Lutz gives himself a "Hitler Youth" hairdo. Ali Lohan wonders whether Dina will let her get plastic surgery. Ashton Kutcher hangs out with a cow. Wednesday gossip is full of hate.
If you were advertising a legal secretary position on Craiglist, would you post it in the Jobs section under "Legal/Paralegal," or in the Gigs section under "Adult"? If you're Illinois lawyer Samir Zia Chowhan you'd choose Option Two, because you'd expect your secretary to be "adult"—with you! On the clock and on the desk, never sleep, never rest.
After a solid decade in the "luxury cars whose jaw-dropping price tags are a marketing tool rather than an accurate reflection of the cost of the good in question" business, Daimler is putting an end to its Maybach line, due to the fact that it somehow did not make a profit even though you could buy enough Lexuses to form a Voltron-like robot for the price of a single Maybach. Anyhow. On to the real news here:
This much-celebrated director lends his sperm to any lesbian couple who asks. This singer is sleeping with all of Hollywood's young actresses, and this Oscar-winner is mean behind Kim Kardashian's back but afraid of saying anything to her face. Coward!
Hi Kids! Welcome to Gawker's famous "Kiddie Corner," a place just for you. Today, let's talk about 911. Does anyone know what 911 is? That's right! It's a phone number. A very important phone number. It's Santa Claus' phone number!
I don't mean to come off as a "sheltered Susan" who's not "street smart" about "how these things work," but I found this story a wee bit more disturbing than would be indicated by the paltry level of media attention it received. How do you become a prostitute in Brooklyn these days? Just by being snatched off the street, at random!
Michael Davis is a hyperactive 5-year-old diagnosed with ADHD who frequently gets into fights at school. His mother calls him an "energetic, loving, good kid" who is misunderstood by school administrators at Rio Calaveras Elementary of Stockton, California. They disagree, frequently complaining to his divorced parents that he is a discipline problem. When the school didn't see any improvement, they took matters in their own hands, and invited a police officer to the school to scare Michael straight.
During a commercial break yesterday, Wolf Blitzer received news that a woman was about to allege a 13-year extramarital affair with Herman Cain, who happened to be in a CNN studio with Blitzer at that very time. So as anyone who watches things very closely would do, Blitzer proceeded to ask Cain about the forthcoming allegation. And while the actual interview was entertaining in its own right, it pales in comparison to a version played by Conan O'Brien on Wednesday night's episode of Conan, which you'll find above.
Last week, a billboard touting Wodka brand vodka's winning combination of "Christmas Quality" and "Hanukkah Pricing" appeared over Manhattan, only to be taken down less than 24 hours later. On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert went the unexpected route and actually decried the advertisement's offensiveness—but not for the reasons you'd expect.
Christmastime is here — the most wonderful time of the fourth-quarter of the year! String up the lights! Set up the Robot Santa! Invite your third grade students to your house to trim your tree, and make them wear bras and panties, and videotape them doing it! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Do NOT do that. Definitely do not do that.
Remember when romance-defiling reality hag Patti Stanger went on Bravo's Watch What Happens Live and suggested all gay men were undesirably effeminate sluts fraught with disease and incapable of monogamy? How about when she then lied to Joy Behar about her remarks while simultaneously making even worse ones? If so, you'll be happy to know that Stanger finally issued a proper, well thought-out apology to Andy Cohen on tonight's Millionaire Matchmaker reunion show.
