The only thing I like more than a special effects-heavy sci-fi action movie set is a special effects-heavy sci-fi action movie where the male protagonists don't wear shirts. Behold John Carter, where stunningly topless Taylor Kitsch fights crazy creatures, little green men, and the hordes of women (and gays) that will be lusting after him once it comes out.
A Swedish artist and former erotic TV hostess named Ylva-Maria Thompson is opening the Austrian International School of Sex, where people can finally learn how to do it the right way. "Sexual positions, caressing techniques, anatomical features- these are the AISOS disciplines," says the school's dysfunctional website. "And we teach you hands on."
This actor's mother brought his childhood best friend to Thanksgiving dinner as her "boyfriend." This actor got busy in a (don't think it was Burger King) bathroom and this actress is a crazy freak in bed. Just wait. In 20 years, she'll be dating her son's best friend!
In this wild "new media" world, it's important for all of us—respectable newspapers and parasitic oxpeckers alike—to share freely, in a spirit of holiday cheer. So we were happy to see this morning that the New York Times has decided to borrow our commenting system. It's really the least we can do for you guys!
Fartastical fraud victim Kris Humphries has pressed on with his belief that he was merely a plot device used by his temporary wife Kim Kardashian to boost ratings. "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have," TMZ quotes the genteel giant as saying. "I got caught up in the hoopla and the filming of the TV show." It happens.
Melanin-deficient battle rapper Mac Lethal's pancake-focused cover of Chris Brown's "Look At Me Now"—which he recorded while making pancakes—has garnered nearly half a million views since being uploaded to YouTube about 24 hours ago. Why? Because as you'll see above, it's amazing. But also: because it hit the top of Reddit's front page shortly after appearing online Wednesday morning, immediately taking its place in the Viral Video Hall of Fame and giving its creator some of the Internet's best temporary bragging rights.
So, it's pretty windy in L.A. right now. That's actually an understatement. It's blowing harder than a rentboy at a Republican National Convention around here! The "Santa Anas," as they are known — powerful fall winds that build up in the Great Basin between the Sierra Nevada and Rocky Mountains and pour out towards the Southern California coastline (and that's your meteorological lesson of the day) — have arrived with a vengeance. Speeds of up to 97 mph have been recorded in the Angeles National Forest, and in L.A. proper they seem to be topping out at 50 mph. Transformers are blowing up all over the place and Michael Bay is nowhere to be seen! About 25,000 are currently without power, and even parts of LAX have gone dark. I guess the city doesn't have to worry about the 30 tons of debris left behind after the Occupy LA eviction last night.
Every year gets a movie so unspeakably disgusting, it becomes a cultural touchstone in its own right. Last year it was The Human Centipede; this year, Jack and Jill. Imagine combining the two into the The Jack and Jill Centipede: a four-man, ass-to-mouth daisy chain of Adam Sandlers surgically attached to Adam Sandlers in drag. The mind reels, the stomach heaves. But you know what's even grosser than that? This. Work It.
When Apple announced the iPhone 4S, its most anticipated feature was a female robot-voiced intelligent personal assistant application named Siri. But Siri's introduction to the world wasn't seamless! After being accused of ignoring people who speak English with a foreign accent shortly after the phone's release, this week Siri was exposed as a pro-life zealot who refuses to tell you where you can get an abortion.
NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams was forced to address the nation yesterday with the addition of a faulty fire alarm, which blared loudly in the background for nearly two-thirds of the broadcast. Even though Williams remained largely unfazed by the disturbance, the incident served as fodder for Jon Stewart on tonight's Daily Show—that is, until his own segment was interrupted by a loud siren. (I suggest it was Brian Williams, in the kitchen, with the bullhorn.)
Say what you will about Cyber Monday and the surge of online consumerism in the days that follow — it does tend to remove an element of risk from the holiday shopping experience. For example, there's an almost zero percent chance that you'll accidentally stab yourself with a hypodermic needle while browsing brassieres at Wal-Mart if you buy those brassieres with a computer.
Tonight, NBC aired its annual Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting special. It was boring! Well, except for the part where Justin Bieber debuted the music video for his duet with Mariah Carey of "All I Want for Christmas Is You (Superfestive!)." Because what the hell?
Who are the techno-serfs who work for peanuts assembling furniture, making deliveries, giving massages and preparing meals via odd job websites like TaskRabbit and Zaarly? They're surprisingly cheery folks who are unreasonably happy taking crap wages from strangers, if the Observer's investigation is to be believed.
Today we learned that poor Morgan Stanley has, for the first time in its rich and miserable little life, become the big girl at prom that nobody wants to dance with. As far as recruiting goes, Wall Street has been relegated to a deep dark corner of the uncool-niverse. It has become your Teva sporting, fanny pack wearing, fart joke making dad. And none of the pretty Yalies want to hang! What other comparisons can we make here? One commenter knows:
Well look at that, the stuffy old cranks in our House of Lords are doing "Secret Santa" this year! America really is becoming weak. So far, 58 of 100 senators have signed up for the gift-exchange promoted by Sens. Al Franken and Mike Johann. There's a $10 gift limit, but you just know that Lieberman's going to break the rules and buy someone a Mercedes, like an ass.
