"Is Justin Bieber actually the dumbest bird on Earth, and not a real boy?" asks The Daily Beast's Kate Aurthur.

There I was, at the gym, the other day, sitting there, on a piece of gym equipment, in between sets, taking a short break, a moment's rest, a slight breather, if you will, and along comes this gym guy, looking all gym-y, wearing his gym clothes, with his gym attitude, and he walks right up to me just as bold as you please, in his gym shorts, and he's all, while I'm sitting there, he's all, "Can I work in?"

Chris White, the Fox News associate producer responsible for the highly controversial anti-Obama "ad-alike" that aired twice on Fox & Friends this week, has had a job offer from CNN rescinded in the aftermath of the scandal generated by the video.

As you probably read in some of those less reputable pornography news outlets, a Brooklyn high school teacher has been arrested and charged with rape for allegedly having sex with a 16 year-old student in her office, like a dozen freaking times. Why do we even bring up this tawdry mess, when we could be discussing the fiscal impacts of the latest unemployment report? Well, because of Hot Lesbian Teachers, of course.

Though it had been all-but-revealed for some time now, DC today officially confirmed the identity of its latest gay superhero: Alan Scott, the original Green Lantern.

Viewers of TLC's Sister Wives have just been robbed of a very juicy plotline: it was announced Thursday that Kody Brown and his four wives (listed in order of greatness: Meri, Christine, Janelle, and Robyn) won't be prosecuted for bigamy.

Americans were rocked this week by report after report of their countrymen eating one another. Now, salvation has come, in the form of a moldy Jesus who wants to watch you shower.

On tonight's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert took a look at the recent revelations surrounding Obama's "kill list," and all the logical leaps that keep down the stats about civilian deaths. Turns out these numbers are pretty easy to rig as long as you completely divorce yourself from reality first.

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart expressed some concerns over Mayor Mike Bloomberg's soda ban. The problem, as Stewart sees it, is that killing ourselves through terrible diets is basically a New York tradition, and until someone puts a limit on the amount of roast beef we can shovel down our throats, we should at least be able to wash it all down.

KFC announced this week it will make a never-before-seen autobiography and cookbook written by Colonel Sanders available for download on its Facebook page starting June 4th. Interestingly, as Smithsonian Magazine’s Food & Think blog noted last month, there was pretty much nothing Colonel Sanders hated more than Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The Scripps National Spelling Bee reaches its dramatic conclusion tonight as a group of nine middle schoolers meet in the nation's harbor (National Harbor, Maryland, or, as it is consistently and vaguely identified on the Scripps website, "near Washington, D.C.") to brawl to the death until only one remains.

John Edwards' campaign finance fraud trial ended today in a manner so shambolic not even your mistress' spiritual advisor could have foreseen it.

Speaking out for the first time on the issue of the Teletubbies' sexuality, children's entertainer Nikky Smedley, better known as "Laa-Laa" the yellow Teletubby, denied past claims by conservative groups that the much-loved BBC pre-school show was used as a vehicle to promote homosexuality.

18-year-old Eric Arty reportedly had money on his mind when he attempted — and succeed — to seduce his global-studies teacher Julie Warning.

This track, Hudson Mohawke's beat-blessing take on "Virus," one of the best tracks from Björk's often inaccessible Biophilia album, has been around for a few weeks now. But I kind of hate the set-it-to-post-and-forget it-tomorrow cycle that so many songs go through on the Internet. Calling it a "cycle" seems wrong, even. There's rarely any building anymore, just a kind of plopping down and letting whomever is paying attention have at it. I understand blogging momentum and how the sheer quantity of released music makes for very brief relationships (believe me, I get that), but sometimes it's nice to hold onto something for a little while.

The Willis High School junior who drew national attention last week after she was forced to spend 24 hours in jail for missing four days of school will not have to endure a tarnished record after all.

Yesterday, the Wall Street Journal published a piece on how foreigners are learning American slang to fit in better with their American co-workers. The piece was business-y and all Wall Street Journal-y until the end, where the WSJ published a cute little guide of their own.

The second New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg's plan to ban large sodas was announced, you knew that people would use it to declare that America has become a Commu-fascist labor prison. The Atlantic called it classist. Comedy Central's political blog (they have one!) called it ridiculous. Forbes called Bloomberg a Republican Socialist. And Bernie Goldberg basically declared that the ban was a gateway law that will one day lead to the government stealing your kids in the middle of the night and harvest their organs to give to illegal immigrants.

Megalomaniacal supervillain Jim VandeHei and emotionally hobbled robo-reporter Mike Allen, both of Politico, have penned a rugged endorsement of Mitt Romney's chief grievance today, agreeing with his advisors that the press corps is busy "scaring up stories to undermine the introduction of Mitt Romney to the general election audience." We need more serious, measured, balanced, non-inflammatory reporting on both candidates, said the men responsible for Politico, a web site that catalogs what political flacks' "dietary dossiers."

Either stories about people consuming other people without permission are getting more play these days because everyone's come down with Zombie Fever, or Zombie Fever is a real thing that people have actually come down with and have subsequently become zombies.