If you're as American as I assure you I am, don't even look it up, then you can't be limited to just regular old sugar. Regular sugar is white, but "this land is your land" (multicultural). When you get a mighty hunger after driving your pickup truck to the American football games, nothing will hit that "sweet spot" except for some delicious real corn sugar. Whoops, sorry—the government bureaucrats aren't "okay" with that.

Ever watch the long-running South African soap opera Generations on the Africa Channel? You should, because it's wild on the ears.

Debbie Piscitella was arrested earlier this week in St. Petersburg, Florida, for physically assaulting a 14-year-old boy she claims had been harassing her daughter on Facebook.

The public relations industry provides a welcome refuge to craven scoundrels, scheming nihilists, and the clinically insane. All we do is peek inside once in a while. This is PR Dummies.

The Cinnamon Challenge. You know the rules: Swallow a tablespoon of ground cinnamon in under a minute without drinking anything.

An Ohio woman was arrested Tuesday in Westlake for allegedly breaking into a home and cleaning it.

Why are banks so enthusiastic about marketing their products to college students? Because college students, like most young people, don't know shit about shit. But unlike most kids, they have some money (even if they borrowed it). That means they are easy marks, and lucrative ones. A college student might think: "My school will protect my financial interests." See? I told you they were easy marks.

A scarf-sporting pot-bellied pig held up drivers on the Parkway West outside Pittsburgh yesterday as it gave state troopers the run-around for a half-hour before escaping into the woods.

In what appears to be a direct response to the failed boycott campaign of anti-gay group One Million Moms, JCPenney yesterday unveiled a new Father's Day ad featuring a same-sex couple playing with their children.

Old people do not stink, scientists found today. A large-scale study of people who wore things in their armpits and then had other people smell those things concluded that "the underarm odor of 75-to-95-year-olds was judged to be less intense and far more pleasant than the scent of either young or middle-aged adults."

"I think that's what the public wants the mayor to do," NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg told the New York Times yesterday shortly after announcing a proposal to ban sale of sweetened drinks larger than 16 ounces.

Justin Bieber kicked off his European promo tour Wednesday and, almost immediately, a state of emergency was threatened in Norway.

The hilarious "Amercia" typo in Mitt Romney's iPad app earned a tip of the hat from Stephen Colbert on tonight's Colbert Report. In fact, Colbert is so enthralled by the promise of Amercia that he whipped up a stirring national anthem for the new country of his dreams.

On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart was given a gift from the comedy gods: the re-emergence of Donald Trump and his birther claims. Trump and his ridiculousness is truly a gift that just keeps giving.

Tomatoes, the disarmingly jolly cousins of the nightshade family, finally yielded the last of their secrets to us today, as scientists announced they had successfully decoded the tomato genome — marking the end of a nine-year undertaking.

The Guardian reports that Russian President Vladimir Putin will not attend the 2012 London Olympics because he would rather eat a bag of dicks than attend your stupid Olympics, London, MOSCOW 4 LYFE.

It's been a pretty crazy week to be skin. One man ate another man's skin off his face. The skin of a foot (and also the other parts of a foot that comprise an entire foot) was mailed to Canadian governmental headquarters. Rose Byrne's skin is dry, dry, so, so dry.

Page Six reported Wednesday that America's weird young spinster aunt Mary-Kate Olsen, 25, is now dating Oliver (né Olivier) Sarkozy, 42, the half-brother of former French President Nicolas Sarkozy. According to the Post, the two were spotted in the Hamptons over Memorial Day weekend (presumably together, or this ain't much of a story), and have been dating for about a month.

Since news broke last Saturday that a Florida man was caught in the act of tearing into the face of another man with his teeth, people everywhere have been asking the same question: What the Hell happened?

Sometimes, the gods — otherwise known as music label execs — smile down upon us, and we're blessed with a great moment in pop. I don't know if our current moment is one for the ages, but it is really fucking enjoyable. In the U.S., Gotye's weirdo Sting/Zombies mash-up earworm, "Somebody That I Used to Know" is No. 1 for the sixth week. We love that song. Carly Rae Jespen's "Call Me Maybe" is at No. 2, poised to take over the top position whenever Gotye falls. That's another song we love. And Adam Lambert is the first out artist to hit No. 1 on the Billboard 200 album chart. Trespassing, his sophomore effort, is yet another thing we love. (Update: Lambert falls to No. 12 on next week's chart. But let's live in the moment?)