It's a well-established fact that working out with the Shake Weight looks exactly like yanking on a misshapen peen.

On the mean streets of the gritty city, nothing is as it seems. The welcoming avenues of beautiful Brooklyn host a barely-concealed ecosystem of predators, ready to attack any sign of weakness. The Brooklyn Paper's police blotter offers us the grimmest of lessons, that we may not need to learn the hard way.

You didn't ask for it, but you're getting it anyway: The official teaser trailer for Octomom Nadya Suleman's inaugural adult film, Octomom: Home Alone.

Troubled actor Nick Stahl, who went missing for several days last month, has once again disappeared according to his wife Rose.

Nice to know he and Barack made up. And also that he got to tell the story of saving his neighbor from her house fire.

So what if liberals and conservatives alike have chastised Neil Munro for interrupting President Obama on Friday, Stephen Colbert thought it was a heroic act. It's not like Munro could have known the President wasn't done talking, not with those super long pregnant pauses he's so fond of.

Over the weekend, Greece voted to stay in the European Union and that meant that the Greek drachma, poised to make a return, was put back on the shelf. On tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart consoled the still-obsolete currency.

We've heard several conflicting reports about the bar brawl that erupted between Drake and Chris Brown. Now a third hip-hop star has entered the conversation to offer his perspective about the night in question.

Last week, 28-year-old Charles Marshall was arrested. His crime: loving a teddy bear too much.

Today, Florida prosecutors released taped phone conversations between George Zimmerman and his wife Shellie while Zimmerman was incarcerated. Under serious discussion: the website with which Zimmerman was able to raise over $130,000 dollars in donations.

When Rodney King's death was announced yesterday, there was plenty of speculation as to the cause. Even when it seemed as though an accidental drowning was the culprit, some of King's friends — and a few Gawker commenters — questioned the timeline established by his fiancée Cynthia Kelley.

There are two sides to every story — and usually considerably more than that — but part of the thrill of a one-man show is being able to tell only yours.

Early 90's kingmaker Arsenio Hall is teaming up with CBS Television Distribution to launch a brand-new syndicated late-night talk show set to begin airing September 2013 on all Tribune Broadcasting TV stations.

On the season finale of of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List, Love's character Riley attacked no purple-headed warriors. Rather, she did the mental masturbation thing she's fallen into with her clients, rubbing their egos and soothing their insecurities as opposed to, you know, manipulating their dicks to orgasm. Paul Dooley, the guy who played the dad in Sixteen Candles, stopped by for a legit stroke but immediately died on the table. There's the rub, you could say if you wanted to be stupid about it. Then, Betty White, playing his wife, showed up and got excited that her husband was dead because he was terrible and she's had a lover forever anyway who apparently gives great oral sex. Betty White saying, "The things that man can do with his tongue!" would have been The Client List's greatest gift if it were two years ago and we weren't yet sick to death of Betty White.

Researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine have published a study in this month's BMC Public Health claiming the collective population of the world is 17 million tons overweight.

After Frank was told that his lung cancer had spread to his heart and he had only months to live, he and his wife Wilma sold their house, canceled their health insurance, and put together a bucket list of things they wanted to do before death parted them.

Abercrombie & Fitch model Benjamine Bowers is suing the clothing company for one million dollars for referring him to a modeling agent who asked him to get naked and masturbate in front of the camera. The agent told Bowers that it was the only way to achieve "relaxed photos."

Oh heck, a new survey says that going to the movies is a "frequent source of entertainment" for only 3% of your fellow Americans. Three dang percent. What the hey are you doing with your time now, Americans? Masturbating? Where, and in what ways? Do you have pictures? That's not the point. The point is that the movies must be saved. But how?

Officials in Thailand are hot and bothered over yesterday's broadcast of Thailand's Got Talent, which featured a topless woman rubbing paint on a canvas with her breasts.

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein's investigation into the origins of the Watergate break-in—which took place 40 years ago yesterday—is one of the most highly mythologized episodes in the history of journalism. It represents the Platonic ideal of what journalism-with-a-capital-J ought to be, at least according to its high priesthood—sober, careful young men doggedly following the story wherever it leads and holding power to account, without fear or favor. It was also a sloppy, ethically dubious project the details of which would mortify any of the smug high priests of journalism that flourished in its wake. The actual Watergate investigation could never have survived the legacy it helped create.