Back in May of 2001, culmination of our collective misdeeds Donald Trump called in to Howard Stern’s Radio Show to plug the upcoming Miss Universe competition. But when Trump learned that the day’s guest host was gossip columnist A.J. Benza (the same man whose girlfriend Trump had “stolen” several years back), what started as an innocent promotion quickly devolved into a disgusting display of dick-measuring. Donald Trump hasn’t changed a bit.

Are you scared of homeless people? Subway dancers? Anyone poor enough to take the subway at all? Do dreams of squeegee men washing windshields with their own public urination keep you up at night? It’s time you ratcheted those fears up—how does “disorder and chaos unlike anything we’ve seen or imagined” strike your fancy?

At last night’s Democratic town hall, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo asked Hillary Clinton to explain why she continues to withhold the transcripts of speeches she gave to several Wall Street banks between 2013 and 2015, for which she earned $2.5 million. You can watch the exchange above, or read the transcript below:

Billionaire casino mogul Sheldon Adelson has, so far in this election, refrained from donating obscene amounts of money to any one candidate. (He’s reportedly waiting to see how things play out in an effort to avoid wasting another $100 million this election cycle.) But he did show up to caucus last night for... someone.

The future First Lady of the United States Melania Trump said some new words in an exclusive interview with her husband’s close personal friend and Morning Joe host Mika Brzezinski this morning. “It’s amazing what’s going on,” she said of the campaign. “We’re having fun.”

Okay, so Massachusetts has a plan to establish an island colony of poisonous rattlesnakes. On purpose. Okay.

The final tallies are in and between the two men who are not Donald Trump, Nevada voters liked Marco Rubio just a little bit better.

Donald Trump has won the Republican presidential caucuses in Nevada, the Associated Press reports. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are still vying for second.

“The school district has put Wi-Fi on more than 100 school buses to help students who do not have access at home, and Perla relies on school bus rides...to finish homework. ‘I could go home on a shorter bus route, but I want to get A’s.’”

On Tuesday, as Glenn Beck was speaking on behalf of Ted Cruz, Donald Trump barged into the gymnasium at Palo Verde High School in Summerlin, Nevada, to glad-hand and distract everyone from voting for anyone other than himself.

On Tuesday, Dr. Ben Carson “jokingly” speculated that aides who have left his campaign might have been intentionally undermining his efforts with ostensibly incompetent spending. “We had people who didn’t really seem to understand finances...or maybe they did—maybe they were doing it on purpose.” Haha, maybe!

On Tuesday, Representative Darrell Issa quite possibly set a new standard for cynical invocations of shameful incidents in American history to defend similarly shameful practices today.

Senate Republicans have declared, in no uncertain terms, that not only will they refuse to confirm any nominee of President Obama’s choosing to replace the late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, they will refuse to meet with an Obama nominee at all.

According to the Guardian, Catholics in St Louis, Missouri, find themselves confronted with an ethical dilemma over whether they are permitted to buy cookies from the troublingly feminist Girl Scouts. “Each person must act in accord with their conscience,” the archdiocese advises.

On Day 390 of Kristin, Gawker reported that Kristin Cavallari had landed the cover of Bella LA magazine. It has come to my attention that Bella LA magazine does not exist.

Antonin Scalia—who may or may not have been murdered by any combination of Barack Obama, pillows, Dick Cheney, and a chupacabra—was actually just murdered by his own obesity and the accompanying complications, according to an incredibly rude doctor’s note acquired by the Associated Press.

In 2008, billionaire venture capitalist and real selfish bastard Vinod Khosla paid $32.5 million for an 89-acre beachfront property in California. Now, he’s asking for $30 million just to let the public use the beach.

Just a day after Media Matters, and then this website, surfaced new and old sexist and racist tweets written by ex-Donald Trump operative and part-time CNN talking head Roger Stone, the network announced it will stop inviting him on air.