With Father Time currently in lockdown after being picked up over the weekend for a parole-violating DUI, and the tragic discovery of the New Year's baby in a dumpster behind Bar Lubitsch (besides a crushed top hat and filthy sash, doing just fine), it seems as if the countdown to 2008 comes under less than ideal circumstances. Still, you can't stop the march of progress, and nowhere is that more apparent than in the weekend box office numbers:

There's such a glaring omission on nearly all the "best of 2007" movies lists. Why will no one understand that Nicolas Cage's "Ghost Rider" was one of the bestest, awesomest, coolest, hilariousest, entertainingest movies of the year? Because it so was. (If it weren't for that darned holiday release date of "National Treasure: Book of Secrets," it might have been the best.)

· Hollywood, always more than happy to turn the multiplex into a refuge from your bickering, turkey-stuffed, dysfunctional family, is putting seven movies into wide release this Thanksgiving weekend. Send the bratty kids to Enchanted while you watch Javier Bardem dispassionately slaughter everyone unlucky enough to cross his death-dealing path in No Country for Old Men. [Variety]
· In what may be the most brilliant (or deranged?) voiceover casting in the history of animated film, the following trio are on board for Disney's G-Force, the story of some fuzzy animals who try to thwart a crazy billionaire's dreams of world domination: "[Nic] Cage will play Speckles, a mole; [Steve] Buscemi will portray Bucky, a hamster; and [Tracy] Morgan will voice Blaster, a guinea pig." [THR]

It seems like we only manage to check in with Nicolas Cage under extremely weird circumstances, like Transylvanian real estate transactions and visits to Japanese cooking shows, so it's with a measure of relief that we bring you the comparatively mundane story of the naked guy he found prancing around his house in one of his leather jackets:

Veteran Hitchcock cribber homagist Brian DePalma is reaching back over two decades for his next project, following up 1987's The Untouchables with an origin prequel, The Untouchables: Capone Rising. MTV Movie Blog now confirms it's Nicolas Cage, in the latest in a string of bizarre career choices, who'll be stepping into Robert DeNiro's wing-tip shoes as the title mobster:

When not taking the editors of Entertainment Weekly to task for daring to turn their noses up at examples of his populist, flaming-skull-laden mythic art, actor/thinker/star-of-the-people Nicolas Cage enjoys spending his leisure time amassing exotic sports cars. Three years ago, a crooked auto broker with an intimate knowledge of the market took advantage of Cage's unwavering faith in humankind, a breach of confidence for which he must now pay dearly:

• The Only Thing Better Than A Nicolas Cage Interview is a Nicolas Cage Interview in Japanese [BWE]

Blackfilm.com reports that at a recent press conference for his flaming-skulls-and-motorcycles movie Ghost Rider, Nicolas Cage started things off by demanding to know if any of the gathered reporters were from Entertainment Weekly, "clearly indicating that he's not a fan of their magazine." Pressed further for what EW—who generally demonstrate an "up with movie stars!" editorial bias—might have done to earn the ire of the Inscrutably Hairlined One, Cage instantly launched into a diatribe about narrowmindedness and the nature of true art:

· Want to read more about the Dixie Chicks' big night at the Grammys? Of course you do. [Variety, THR]
·Reese Witherspoon unexpectedly ditches Endeavor (her home for just a year) for CAA after being promised that if she signed with the evil agenting monolith, the committed mother's young children would never be featured as lunch specials at their new headquarters. Rumors that the agency's pitch also included an ominous pledge to "take care" of ex-husband Ryan Phillippe should he ever "become a problem" are unconfirmed. [Variety]
· The Grammys recover nicely from last year's humiliating buggering at the hands of American Idol, as seeking refuge on an Idol-free Sunday night leads to an 18 percent boost over 2006's all-time low ratings. [THR]
· MTV Networks announces a "sweeping round" of layoffs in a variety of divisions, with the death toll expected to reach 250 staff positions. Happy Monday! [Variety]
· In today's WTF? casting news (but really, doesn't each new Cage gig announcement elicit that kind of reaction?), Nicholas Cage is attached to star in Disney's live-action adaptation of The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Luckily, he'll play the sorcerer, not an off-puttingly intense dancing broom. [THR]

· Note to aspiring embezzlers: If you are going to download an image for a fake ID that you plan on using in the commission of a theft, make sure that image does not belong to one of the most famous men on the planet.
· Another headline that could be more clearly written: Nicolas Cage Gives $2M for Child Soldiers. Unfortunately, Cage is not purchasing himself a personal militia made up entirely of six-year-olds. Though he could totally afford that should he ever need to invade Angelina Jolie's compound.
· We are definitely not cool/hip enough to figure this out on our own, so if anyone out there can explain the deal with these heads that are being plastered up everywhere, we'd love hear about it.
· We link to this SoaP story only because it's funny that a family newspaper can't tell you straight out that the "expletive-laden line of dialogue for Jackson" is "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" Oh, how we love to swear!

Superproducer Jerry Bruckheimer knows a movie star when he sees one: he's at ease in front of the camera, has an elusive magnetism, and, most importantly of all, has a set of teeth so huge, ivory, and gleaming that they'd make Mr. Ed faint dead away from jealousy. As for the first two qualities, well, you're either born with them or you're selling used Toyotas in Cerritos. But the third? Yeah, Uncle Jerry can help you out with that:

The first glimpses of the product of Nicholas Cage and his sushi waitress bride Alice Kim's loins, Kal-el, have hit the internets, and we are thrilled to report the adorable little tyke has inherited none of his father's perpetually mopey features. Not moments after his delivery, the aptly named Kal-El Superman's Kryptonian name began showing superhuman signs, yanking off his own umbilical cord and flying directly out of the nurse's hands and onto his mother's nipple. Above, Kal-El is dressed for a Beverly Hills outing in his trademark baby blue costume (not pictured is a red diaper with yellow elastic trim); when mom got a little too friendly with the hostess at a local cafe, baby K used his newly discovered super breath to blow the chatty serviceperson away.

· On any other day, i.e. one without Tom Cruise's fake baby, Lindsay Lohan's accident, and the Simpson-Lachey fiasco, rumors of a Britney Spears sex tape might get more traction. Today? Meh.
· Back in May, Conan's "If They Mated" bit projected a very scary product for the Cruise-Holmes union. Click at your own risk.
· Kittenpants uncovers Nic Cage's list of possible baby names. We think Francis Ford "The Hulk" Cage has a nice ring to it.
· On a day without the Cruise-Holmes Miracle Baby, Lindsay Lohan's fender-bender, and Nick N' Jessica's on-again, off-again separation, a video clip of a naked Janet Jackson rubbing her breasts and drumming on her ass might get some more play. Today? Next!
· Like most convicted stalkers, Pamela Anderson's alleged stalker is merely misunderstood.

· We have no idea who Chris Cagle is, but through the magic of public statements, we now know that someone else knocked up his wife girlfriend. In case he doesn't know who the real father is, we think we can safely eliminate Kenny Chesney.
· You'll get no argument from us: Kal-el Cage is a pretty stupid name for a baby. On the bright side, at least Nic Cage wasn't crazy enough to reach into his past and name the little bugger "Osweepay." [Thanks to everyone who reminded us about that.]
· Sayeth new SAG head Alan Rosenberg, all but signing a fat campaign contribution check over to The Benator: "'We're Americans, and if we don't speak out, who will?' he says. 'If anyone puts a microphone in front of my face and asks about the war in Iraq, it's my obligation to speak out and say we're in deep trouble. I have more faith in what an actor has to say, if they're well informed, than any politician.'"
· What are the odds that Oprah hold off celebrity Scientologists' all-out recruitment drive? Oddjack investigates, sort of.

Nicolas Cage has finally made a clean break with reality, saddling his newborn son with the name Kal-el. As in Superman's Kryptonian birth name. We're genuinely concerned for the baby boy's future safety, and not solely because the tyke will almost certainly return from school each day wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants. No, we fear that whatever drugs Cage ingested before naming the baby also make the proud father believe that the infant's been imbued with superpowers, leading to a tragic incident in which the actor realizes too late that little Kal is not, in fact, bulletproof.

Courtesy of WireImage's e-mail summary of the day's publicity junket video clips, we embark on yet another five-second journey through the mind of an actor:

Celebrity Justice reports that someone has appropriated one of Nicolas Cage's former e-mail addresses for the purposes of fraudulent naughty-talk, and is sending Cage's pals and business associates filthy e-greetings:

· Breaking! Nic Cage knocks up mysterious sushi-waitress bride!
· We knew this would happen eventually: a secret lab is finally breeding actresses without nipples, ensuring that embarrassing nip-slips are a thing of the past.
· Hey, Serena Williams isn't looking so hot these days. Must be the regular Ratner injections she's been getting.
· From today’s Hollywood Reporter, courtesy of Cinemocracy: “The FCC received complaints again this year about the Super Bowl halftime show, among them two viewers who said Paul McCartney bored them.”
· You make the call: Is the writer of something like Hitch capable of cleverly referencing Esquire's hoax It-Girl with the name of one of his characters, or is the similarity merely a coincidence? We're leaning towards the latter.
· Last week's "Marcia Cross is coming out" rumor throws a harsh light on unmarried women over 30, who are all obviously lesbians or otherwise damaged in some way.

Your devoted and talented Defamer editor, Mark Lisanti, will be "on vacation" this week. (Incidentally, Mark writes this site all by himself, for those of you who think there's a team of crackheads over here at Defamer HQ. Nay! Mark does all the crack by himself! That's why his publicist would like you to know he is suffering from "exhaustion." Just like Whitney and Lil' Lohan! So fancy!) Anyway, I'm Choire Sicha, and I'll be filling in for him as we all vaguely pretend to work throughout this unholy week.

Awaken from your three-day turkey coma and head towards the light of the weekend box office numbers. (These are three-day weekend estimates, not super-sized five-day grosses.)