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Oh, happy day! Records have fallen, mind-bending studio expenses have been vindicated, and millions of American moviegoers have been moderately entertained on this most glorious of Monday mornings! On to the numbers!

1. Spider-Man 3—$148 million
In what has to be the most anticlimactic record-breaking in box office history, Spider-Man 3, debuting in The Widest Release—Ever!!! (capitalization and overly exuberant punctuation added to spice up boring release data), shattered™ the opening weekend mark of $135.6 million set by Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest last July by hauling in $148 million domestically, a benchmark so formidable that it should stand at least until the end of the month, when Pirates 3 arrives over the Memorial Day holiday. Please stifle your reflexive yawns as you learn that Spidey grossed another $227 million at the international box office, bringing its worldwide take to $375 million, a staggering figure that nearly justifies the movie's reported $3 billion budget. (We forget what the official number is these days, so we'll go with one that properly celebrates the free-spending spirit of the record-setting project.)

2. Disturbia-$5.72 million
Three-time Biggest Movie Star in America Shia LaBeouf's (now so famous we can spell his name without turning to IMDb) agents have already put in a call to Sony, hoping that Tobey Maguire's sure-to-be outrageous contract demands will price him out of the fourth Spider-Man installment and that the studio will go hunting for more modestly compensated, up-and-coming—and similarly boyish—talent to take his place.

3. Fracture—$3.42 million
4. The Invisible—$3.125 million
5. Next—$2.768 million
We're not evening going to pretend to care that any of these movies were screened this weekend. Records have been broken in utterly boring fashion! Haven't you been listening?

6. Lucky You—$2.515 million
We will, however, note that Warner Bros.' attempt to counterprogram Spiderfevermania with a Drew Barrymore poker movie was something less than successful, if your definition of success includes breaking the $3 million barrier or achieving a four-figure per-theater average.