"Boys pants, half-off." That's the punchline to one of our favorite Michael Jackson jokes. ("Why did Jackson go to Wal-Mart?") But now you really can own a pair of Jackson's underpants, via the creepiest eBay auction since Courtney Love's Papsmearpalooza For Charity. From Page Six:

• Katie Holmes got a visit from concerned ex-boyfriend and former Dawson's Creek co-star Joshua Jackson at rehearsals for her Broadway play, a British magazine reported. Jackson had this crazy idea that Holmes has been sucked into an isolating Scientology vortex, but Holmes was still thrilled to see and de-Thetanize him. [Showbiz Spy]

• More on NBC's decision to drop Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews from covering the election on MSNBC: Olbermann got a raise out of the deal, Matthews didn't, and NBC chief Jeff Immelt may or may not have be behind the move. [P6]

Two people who are both a little too told to be doing what they're doing are celebrating birthdays today. John McCain turns 72 today and Michael Jackson is 50. Also celebrating today: Bob Rubin is 70, hedge fund manager Eric Mindich is 41, Hollywood director Joel Schumacher is 69, choreographer Mark Morris is 52, and Robin Leach is 67. Christine Schwarzman, gala staple and wife of Steve Schwarzman, is 56. On Saturday, Warren Buffett will celebrate his 78th, Lewis Black will turn 60, Andy Roddick will be 26, and Cameron Diaz will turn 36. On Sunday: Richard Gere will be 59, Patrick McMullan turns 53, Chris Tucker will be 36, SonyBMG CEO Rolf Schmidt-Holtz will turn 60, and Giants head coach Tom Coughlin will celebrate his 62nd birthday.

• Luke Russert golf-carted around the Democratic convention like some kind of boy king while his bitter coworkers had to hoof it. Obviously this rumor is made up, because everyone knows NBC correspondents air their bitter grievances only on camera. [P6]

Accompanying an astoundingly sad-on-all-accounts article about former pop singer Michael Jackson (on forgetting that he's turning 50 years old, not 40: "It all went by so fast, didn't it? I wish I could do it all over again, I really do." Devastating) is an image of what the King of Pop may have looked like had he not had alllll that plastic surgery. It's a well done imagining, a believable cross between Usher and Billy Dee Williams, rather than the ghost of Joan Crawford that you see on the left. A rare vision of one's life had a different turn in the road been taken. Unfortunately, Mr. Jackson, I've not seen your childhood, perhaps it's collecting dust somewhere up in that crumbling personal theme park of yours. But an alternate adulthood? Yes, that's right here. [Mail via LA Rag Mag] Click through for larger image.

They grow up so fast, don't they? But whose are they? That's the question we're posing on today's Defamer Celebrity SpawnWatch brain teaser. The answer is after the jump!

[First off, I apologize profusely for the headline above. That being said, here is performer and former homo sapien Michael Jackson being wheeled around Las Vegas yesterday. I hope he's not sick. If he is, though, I'm sure he'll beat it. Image via Insider]

• After weeks of battling in court, Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook negotiated a "surprise" settlement last night, which they announced at 6 AM this morning. Many of the details are still fuzzy—they'll explain more when they get to court this morning—but custody will likely stay as is, and Christie will likely retain ownership of most of the couple's properties. [NYP]

Supermarket billionaire Ron Burkle's name keeps popping up in the oddest places, doesn't it? When conman Rafaello Follieri was finally busted last week, the suit filed against him by his former business partner Burkle kept coming up. Jeffrey Epstein-finally sentenced yesterday for sex with a minor-used to be "very friendly" with Ron. They compared notes on planes! In that Vanity Fair story that upset Bill Clinton so much, it was Burkle who had those unnamed staffers worried about the appearance of impropriety. Now-the oddest one yet?-King of Pop Michael Jackson announced in a court deposition that it was Ron Burkle, along with the Reverend Jesse Jackson, who saved his life when he ran out of money. Burkle brought in the Reverend to help, and Burkle's also done quite a bit of business with the Reverend's son Yusef (they own Radar together!). What a cast of unlikely characters! Did this rogues' gallery of amoral power-junkies select Ron, or vice versa? Why does the ostensibly liberal do-gooder zillionaire associate with these guys?

• Ashley Dupre, call girl to former Gov. Eliot Spitzer, thanked her MySpace fans "for taking the time to send me a bit of strength and inspiration... your words have touched me." She thanked her detractors for making "me push myself and want it even more." [MySpace]

• Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty today to all six counts in connection with her assault on a police officer at Heathrow back in April. A sentencing date hasn't been set, but she's looking at a maximum six-month prison sentence and a $10,000 fine. We bet garbage duty in New York's looking a whole lot better now. [Daily Telegraph]

The news concerning the New York real estate market isn't terribly upbeat—the Times reported over the weekend that resale prices at certain chic New York City developments (like 40 Bond and the Time Warner Center) are dipping—but the situation seems to be a whole lot worse if you're a celeb who reached your prime a decade or two ago. The celebrity foreclosure club now includes Jose Canseco, Michael Jackson, Latrell Sprewell, Ed McMahon, Aretha Franklin, Don Johnson, and Evander Holyfield. Celebreality to the rescue! [Luxist]

It was a rough spring at the movies for compulsive watch-checkers like us, but we took consolation in knowing that a honest-to-God hero would be arriving come early May. What? No, not that wuss Iron Man, but rather Harmony Korine, whose new Mister Lonely marks the filmmaker's first writing-directing effort in nearly 10 years. And what a decade: Adrift in Paris, anchored in Nashville, survivor of two house fires, briefly reteaming with his Kids director Larry Clark on the teenagers-fucking milestone Ken Park, and ultimately conjuring Mister Lonely from a vision of nuns plunging from airplanes and the garish subculture of celebrity impersonators.

"'Michael is producing the album himself and then will sell it to a record company when he's finished,' our spy said. To maintain the utmost concentration, 'Michael has banned his kids from the recording studio. He realizes this is very important and doesn't want any distractions.'" [Page Six]

The Washington Post's Peeps Show II, possibly the greatest Peep diorama competition in history, has posted photos of this year's 37 semi-finalists, culled from over 800 entries featuring the brightly colored, recoiling Easter treats. There's way too many gems here—from the plumber crack to the Olympic diving competition to Marion Barry's bust—to single out just one, but if you were to hold a marshmellow gun to our heads, none brought us more delight than the one above: A slavish, all-Peep recreation of 2007's biggest viral video sensation, the Filipino prison "Thriller" showstopper. We've included one more below the jump—it's a fierce tranny hot Peep mess.

• Amy Winehouse's dad is trying to steal credit for some of his daughter's problems, but not the drug thing. Just the other ones. He was cheating on Winehouse's mom basically since the singer was born, then moved in with his mistress when she was 10, then married the mistress. Now Amy Winehouse makes songs like "What It Is About Men." [Us]

Having devoured celebrity knees and lips in their quest to mock each and every imperfect body part they spot on the red carpet, the British press is now preying on something they've dubbed Bat Face, singling out Nicole Kidman as the epitome of Botox overload. Though the picture of Nicole they use isn't pretty, the bat is actually kind of adorable (at this point, we are far more scared of seeing Nic enter our room in the middle of the night than this cuddly little rat with wings). In fact, Nicole looks less like this animal than she does another: Michael Jackson. And she's not alone. Rather than naming the immobile facial trend Bat Face, we're thinking the look is more a symptom of MJ Syndrome, which also counts Renee Zellweger and Teri Hatcher among its victims.

• You're making a music video for Britney Spears, who has been committed to a psychiatric ward twice in the last two months. How to best open your video and grab the viewer's attention? Depict Spears jumping off a building! [YouTube]

A truly stunning nighttime photo suite of Neverland Ranch, the precursor to such other children-and-one-adult-male-populated ghost towns as Kid Nation's Bonanza City, has surfaced on Flickr. Beneath a starry Santa Barbara sky, such featured attractions as the Sea Dragon, the carousel, and the Huckleberry Finn Boys-Only Dunk Tank And Swedish Sauna Dry-Off Room lie in a state of suspended animation—merely waiting to snap back to life the moment its self-exiled proprietor successfully refinances one of his own children, freeing up the funds to tidy up the Bubble-bones and return the amusement estate to its former glory.