• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick may seem really happy and content with life, but it's just a carefully-constructed façade that is now crumbling to pieces because Broderick can't stop himself from cheating. Or at least that's what the Star is claiming after it caught sight of SJP socializing with a real estate broker, something you wouldn't even think of doing unless you were planning to leave your husband and move out on your own, right? [Star]
• Peter Cook has filed charges against Christie Brinkley for refusing to hand over son Jack's passport so the two can go on a school trip to Egypt. [P6, OK!]
• Disgraced Lehman CEO Dick Fuld and his wife Kathy needed help using JetBlue's check-in kiosk in Palm Beach, poor things. [P6]
• Paris Hilton says she's not a slut because she's only had sex with "a couple of men," which, by that standard, means you're still a virgin. [The Sun]

Incredible resources were deployed to figure out if Tom Brady is marrying Gisele Bundchen and to get Condé Nast's Chuck Townsend wherever the hell he wants to go, in style.

• Jeffrey Epstein is a free man—sort of. The billionaire money manager, who was sentenced to 18 months for soliciting a minor for prostitution, is now working at the office of his non-profit foundation five days as a week as part of a work-release program. [P6]
• Mort Zuckerman became a dad for the second time on Friday with the birth of a daughter named Renee Esther. [NYDN]
• Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey's frosty relationship has turned into "outright contempt" since Baldwin mocked Fey's scar at a recent photo shoot and told the photographer to "get ready to do a lot of airbrushing." [Star]
• Suri Cruise gets 100 fan letters each day, you'll be creeped out to learn. [Star]

• Nobody makes Harvey Weinstein wait and that apparently includes Penelope Cruz, who faced his wrath in London last week when she showed up late to a screening of Vicky Cristina Barcelona, then went up to her suite to change outfits, causing Harvey to scream, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• So much for A-Rod. Madonna has reportedly turned her attention to a male model named Jesus, who she met in Brazil and who's now on tour with her. Less importantly, Guy Ritchie may be dating Brit heiress Jemima Khan. [P6, The Sun, People]
• Courtney Love says she's stopped taking her antidepressant medication so she can "feel the rage" when she records her new album. That sounds healthy! [Daily Express]

Celebrity scandal author and Scientology-infiltrator Ian Halperin is either on to the story of a lifetime or trying to shoot the moon, libel wise.

Annoying musician Moby, pathetic nihilist Gavin McInnes and various indie rockers made a video spoof of "We Are The World," about helping trust-fund kids. Because white privilege has never been funnier!

For those of you still kicking yourselves for sitting out last year's Michael Jackson Family Auction and Fedora Liquidation Sale, all hope is not lost:

♦ Amy Winehouse's loving, supporting marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil appears to be over. Now free from police custody, Blake appears to have taken up with a German model named Sophie Schandorff, which means Amy will have to find someone else to fulfill her sex fanatasiesd described as "too gross" to "mention in a newspaper." [P6, NOTW]
♦ Chef Gordon Ramsay has been carrying on an affair with "Britain's most famous mistress" for the past seven years. Allegedly. [NYP]
♦ Michael Jackson and the sheik who sued him last week for $7 million have a reached a settlement. [NYDN]

♦ Guy Ritchie and Madonna's marriage came to an official end in the High Court of London courtroom this morning. Neither "Ciccone ML" or "Ritchie GS" actually showed up in person for the proceedings, but Madonna had drinks with ex-husband Sean Penn on Wednesday night, possibly as part of an early celebration. [People, The Sun, P6]
♦ The longest pregnancy in history is finally over: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz welcomed a son named Bronx Mowgli Wentz into the world last night. Yes, that's Bronx Mowgli. [People]
♦ According to The Sun, Michael Jackson has converted to Islam and has changed his name to "Mikaeel." [The Sun]

• Michael Jackson is a secret Muslim who is actually called Mikaeel, meaning angel of Allah, after the pop star rejected the name "Mustafa," which means chosen one. In a few days Jackson will appear in London court, where an Arab sheikh is suing him for seriously breaching a multi-million-dollar contract. Related? Who knows. The headline? "The Way You Mecca Me Feel." [Sun]

♦ The Ashley Dupre press bonanza begins: In her first print interview with People, which hits newsstands on Friday (the same day she'll appear on 20/20), Dupre says she's just a "normal girl" who has "a lot of depth," and that she feels sorry for Silda Spitzer, but doesn't blame herself for Eliot's downfall. [People, NYP]
♦ Are Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin splitting up? The two have spent very little time together since this summer, and now she's become "very good friends" with Fontainebleau hotel owner Jeff Soffer. Gwynnie reportedly spent time with Soffer (and his Bentley and yacht) this past weekend in Miami. [P6]
♦ Britney Spears is supposedly dating a 27-year-old model named Marco D'Angelo who she met through friends in Las Vegas. [Star]
♦ It looks like Anne Hathaway is attracted to lovable losers, since people who know her new boyfriend, actor Adam Shulman, say he's an "opportunist" who "went after all the heiresses" when he was a student at Brown. [P6]

• Nearly three years ago, Lindsay Lohan scrawled "Scarlett [Johansson] is a bloody cunt" on a bathroom wall at the Dark Room on the Lower East Side. Allure finally asked Johansson about the incident: "I don't know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar—I mean, shockingly so, like 'Whoa, what, who are you?'"

♦ Although her life looks like it's finally back on track, a new documentary suggests Britney Spears thinks her new life is like prison and lacks "excitement" or "passion." Hopefully she'll be in a better mood in two weeks when she makes an appearance at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony. [The Sun, OK!]
♦ Could Anna Wintour be planning to retire? Page Six says the Vogue editor is thinking about leaving the mag once her contract is up, and she's even been recommending possible replacements to Si Newhouse. [P6]
♦ Kiefer Sutherland may be planning to move to NYC so he can be closer to his girlfriend, Allure style director Siobhan Bonnouvrier. [Daily Star]
♦ Madonna is reportedly making $10 million to appear in her new Louis Vuitton ad campaign. [P6]

Sheikh Abdulla Bin Hamad Bin Isa Al-Khalifa is Bahraini royalty and was, at one time, a close pal of pop megastar turned lagoon creature Michael Jackson. But now, sigh, one old friend is suing the other. Jackson spent six months living on the small desert island in the Persian Gulf three years ago. See, he'd just been acquitted on child molestation charges and needed some time to decompress. He and the Sheik were friends, and supposedly they cooked up some big plans for a Jackson comeback. The Sheik gave Jackson lots of money and equipment, and even wrote some songs himself! And they actually recorded one of the Sheik compositions. But then Jackson decided that he didn't want to make a record with the Sheik after all, even though he'd spent the money and used the equipment:

Real Estate, Bubbles. Michael Jackson has finally ceded the deed to the Neverland Ranch. It goes to a company he has a partial stake in, but consider this the final goodbyes between deposed pop monarch and his personal Touch Mahal. He hasn't lived there since he was acquitted in his 2005 molestation trial, and we understand in recent years its rusting carnival rides have become home to a small pack of feral llama-boys, who wandered off on a school field trip to the legendary estate in 1998 and were eventually taken in by a family of camelids as their own. [E Online]

♦ Madonna and Alex Rodriguez were able to fly out to the Hamptons for a "quick and cozy rendezvous" without anyone knowing, but only because Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld picked the couple up (separately) from the East Hampton airport and let them hang out for several hours at their waterfront manse. [P6, The Sun]
♦ With her husband Rossano Rubicondi filming a reality show in Italy, Ivana Trump has been hanging out with a 23-year-old Belgian model named Marius Rusovici. [P6]
♦ Tina Brown and Cathie Black are enemies, apparently, since they "disagreed on just about everything" and "wouldn't even look at each other," at a conference this week. [R&M]
♦ Is John McCain making an Saturday Night Live appearance this weekend? Does anyone care? [MSNBC]

[Michael Jackson, a nylon stocking stuffed with old insulation material and chicken bones somehow made animate, out trick and/or treating with his children in Los Angeles yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

♦ You didn't expect to hear that Lydia Hearst actually wrote that column in Page Six magazine by herself, did you? In response to Hearst's accusation that Page Six fabricated her latest column—the one in which she bashed her family's publishing company—the mag now says that Hearst's writing process involved being interviewed by a reporter who then "put her thoughts into cohesive paragraphs." And they have the emails to prove Lydia's trash talk. [P6]
♦ Madonna is reportedly under pressure from the leaders of Kabbalah to reach a divorce settlement quickly, lest the mess cast a negative light on their freaky cult. Guy Ritchie, however, isn't making it any easier now that he's apparently rejected Madge's latest £20 million offer. [Daily Mail, ThisIsLondon]
♦ Michael Phelps got paid $100,000 to swim around at a pool party thrown by a TV network chief's wife. [P6]
♦ It's a match made in heaven: Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Jerry Ferrara, who plays Turtle on Entourage, are dating. [R&M]

[Former person Michael Jackson shopping in Los Angeles yesterday; image via INF]

• It's no fun living near Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Neighbors in the West Village say the two are "spoiled brats" since they have bodyguards posted outside their apartment on West 13th Street who make neighbors get off the stoop whenever the twins are arriving home, and the twins keep SUVs idling in front of the building for hours at a time. [P6]