The US Department of Agriculture is planning to introduce a new program for safety inspections at pork plants across the nation. How is the new program different? It offers more poop in your meat.
Once upon a time, Americans sat together at tables thrice daily for "meals," during which nutritious food was consumed. Today, however, market research indicates that we prefer to simply have processed meat products shoveled into our mouths constantly throughout the day. By conveyor belt, if possible.
The human race: We're reportedly eating more meat than ever, thanks to exploding populations in Brazil and China. You know what else we're nomming on these days? Kleenex, bitches! The recently ousted editor of Vogue Australia has penned a memoir that's intended as a fashion-industry tell-all, but sounds like it's chock full of pointers for aspiring eating-disorder-sufferers. She recently shared her top horror-story-that-sounds-ominously-like-a-dieting-tip with Entertainment Tonight:
Looks like one more staple of Americana was just added to the list of things we'll have to explain to our space-children a thousand years from now when they ask us "What was April 4, 2013 like?" Pork chops are about to be eliminated forever.
People who consume lots of processed meat run a greater risk of a premature death and are more likely to develop cancer and heart disease, according to a new study. But don't worry! Scientists still say you can eat meat—just no more than one tiny sausage a day.
As Europe's horse-meat scandal widens to include what seems like every single food product on the continent, South Africa is ready to get in on the fun too: according to an academic study, South African meat processors been mislabeling their meat projects, adding donkey, goat, and water buffalo meat to their "beef" burgers and sausages.
Meat! Think it's just about dead animal flesh, hacked and ground and processed with ever less "natural" flavors and preservatives? Well, I guess you know everything, don't you? No you don't. There are still more secrets to be revealed, about America's obsession with nasty meat.
This horse meat scandal is sweeping Western Europe and quivering even the stiffest of upper lips in Britain. Some people are concerned that the horse meat in their microwaveable pasta dinners may be tainted with an equine anti-inflammatory called phenylbutazone, which in huge doses can cause health risks. But let's get real: Most people are just grossed out at the thought of eating horse meat instead of cow meat. That's stupid.
Pig evisceration company Tyson Foods saw its profits fall by 61% in the most recent quarter. Why? Humans, humbled by the realization of our own role as merely another in a long line of millions of animal species to briefly stand atop the food chain on this crazy spinning rock over which we ultimately have little control, and struck by the unavoidable ethical conviction that it is wrong to increase the suffering of sentient creatures unnecessarily, are turning away from their brutal chicken, pork, and beef-based diets of the past and embracing a new, plant-based diet of a happier, healthier, and more righteous communal future. From the NYT:
One rock solid rule of editorial writing is, if you're against something, you always want to find a way to compare it to Hitler. This works because people hate Hitler a lot—and, through the simple principle of transference, they will have an equal amount of hate for whichever thing you compare to Hitler. This is just a basic "trick of the trade" which cannot backfire.
Don't listen when they tell you Congress can't get anything done: It has finally lifted the five-year ban on slaughtering horses for human consumption in the U.S., creating literally dozens of jobs for people who want to slaughter horses and unshackling the horsemeat-for-human-consumption industry from the heel of government oppression that has kept it down for so long. Let freedom reign.
Some variety of factory-farmed meat product: it's "what's for dinner"—for the wealthy! Americans, who, on the whole, are not wealthy, are eating less meat these days, due to both high prices and the fact that edible meat products are hard to come by while dumpster diving. Big Meat companies are posting their earnings this week, and it's not looking good, according to the WSJ. They're being squeezed on all sides, like a pig in a crate.
Once upon a time, McDonald's sold a nasty porkish meat sandwich called the McRib, featuring all of the entrails that fell on the floor of the slaughterhouse pressure-formed into a pleasing "rib" shape. The McRib's variegated bouquet of grease flavor and resemblance to a bloody giant slug corpse naturally made it a "cult favorite," meaning "staple of the American diet." Now it is back. You greasy, greasy bastards.
Reality television has folded in on itself so many times, parody versions are barely distinguishable from the real thing. Case in point: The contestants of Survivor with their hands tied behind their backs, tearing at pig carcasses with their mouths. With their gaping maws full of animal flesh, they race to a pair of bins to spit the meat out. They are judged by the amount of meat they hoarded.
