In China, authorities don't fall for all those Wal-Mart okey doke bait-and-switch now-you-see-it-now-you-don't sleight of hand shell games, so to speak. They know your pork is cheap ass pork, Wal-Mart.

Americans are not the sort of slobs who are satisfied with simply consuming a drab, tasteless burger in a hobo-infested fast food restaurant hastily rebranded as a "cafe." Americans are the sort of slobs who want their burgers fast—but casual. Americans want a slightly wider selection of toppings available on their burgers, and they want to consume those burgers in a very slightly more attractive setting than a Burger King bathroom. Americans demand this!

A judge ruled today that the Moghul Express restaurant in Edison, New Jersey, can be sued by a group of strictly vegetarian Hindus after the restaurant accidentally served them meat-filled samosas. It looks like the 16 afflicted non-meat eaters are going to get a free trip for their troubles.

Michael Raper, a 26-year-old employee of meat processing company Bar S, died this week after falling into a meat grinder. Is there a way that this story could be more horrible? Yes, yes there is:

Good morning, you bacon-egg-and-cheese biscuit-eating motherfuckers. Here's a brand new video from the group Mercy For Animals, showing exactly where that bacon you love so much comes from.

Do you throw your salami in the microwave before eating it? If not, you're screwed and might die (or at least get diarrhea) from nasty Listeria monocytogenes hanging around in your food. Mmm, steaming hot lunch meat.

Patriotic American beef is under attack! I mean, not the cows. The cows are actually happy about it. Per capita beef consumption in the U.S. has fallen by a third in the past 35 years. So the National Cattlemen's Beef Association is training ranchers and other assorted beef-friendly carnivores to fight back using the tools of public relations.

Scientist Vladimir Mironov is at work in a South Carolina lab creating "cultured" meat, which he calls "charlem" — "Charleston engineered meat." Just think, one day you could buy test tube meat from a machine in a grocery store. Mmmm.

Taiwanese restaurateur and chef Wang Cong-yuan sells what's generally agreed to be the world's most expensive bowl of noodles—a $324 beef dish that he says people order every day. What, exactly, goes into a $324 noodle bowl?

On the No Reservations Holiday special, Anthony Bourdain introduced us to the man he gets his meat from—and cut to a gratuitous 3-minute long clip of animal parts and raw meat everywhere. Yum! Featuring special guest Marky Ramone!?

Though bears "look disturbingly like people when skinned," their meat resembles "the darkest part of a high-quality pork shoulder," reports Hank Shaw. He made Siberian bear dumplings and found them pleasingly juicy, much like a Tibetan yak meat momo. [Atlantic]

Distracted driving! Farmer's foods! Punjabi sports! Lifeguard texting! Halal beef beef! Free water! Greek yogurt! Cold virus obesity! And the indomitable spirit of the human soul! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with intervals of approval!

"Her bodice looks like the outside of the rib. Over the shoulder looks like it does come from a shoulder. There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks. The best you've got is the flank steak on her head."

PETA's surprisingly reasonable complaint about Lady Gaga's meat dress: "After time spent under the TV lights, it would smell like the rotting flesh that it is and likely be crawling in maggots." That's why I prefer mink stoles.

Is that footlong cheeseburger not getting the job done for you? Try the Carl's Jr. Philly Cheesesteak Burger. A cheesesteak on a bun? No, a cheesesteak on top of a burger. Hey, it didn't make these Legos fat. [Adfreak]

It wouldn't be summer without hot dogs and bologna sandwiches, right? Well, you might want to think twice before eating processed meats, because the nitrites and nitrates used to preserve, color and flavor them could cause bladder cancer.

The National Pork Board sent a cease & desist order today, claiming infringement on the phrase "the other white meat," by nerd store ThinkGeek, which uses the trademarked tagline to describe sparkle-spam gag gift "Unicorn Meat."

A bunch of food scientists—including Tofurky's creator and the guy who invented soft raisins—are closing in on a fake meat that tastes like chicken. It's the "holy grail" of fake food, and it's nearly impossible to make synthetically.

"Where's the beef?" That will likely be exclaimed when you learn that our nation's fast food industry is facing a new crisis: beef is not so cheap these days. Not to worry! Fast food chains have many other "delicious" options.

A new study from the Harvard School of Public Health claims that eating processed meats can increase the risk of heart disease by 42%, and type 2 diabetes by 19%. The main culprit here? Salt. Bloomberg was right! [Harvard, pic]