• One of these men just ate 18 donuts... [LAist]

We apologize in advance for subjecting you to this image of leading Hollywood torture-pornographer/ turkeysploitation visionary Eli Roth, but we felt that today's combination of disturbing Lindsay Lohan and Brian Grazer imagery, while certainly distressing on its own, probably wouldn't leave any lasting psychological scars. We are, however, giving the squeamish the opportunity to go no further and avoid the soul-chilling shock of discovering what lies beneath that Hostel: Part II logo by continuing on to this (very, very NSFW) post on NY Mag's Vulture blog, but here's a hint for those who haven't figured it out already: the altered photo is from a two-page spread entitled Eli Roth Has the Biggest Dick in Hollywood, from a book on the marketing of horror films by Lionsgate executive Tim Palen. Happy Monday!

As Shrek, DreamWorks' Great Green Hope for a profitable summer, continues to find himself the bearer of mixed nutritional messages aimed at the roly-poly youth of America, corporate partner/child-obesity public enemy #1 McDonald's has found a workable solution that will allow kids to indulge in guilt-free Shrek Happy Meal snacking:

While many advertising campaigns allow themselves to fall into the trap of complicating their pricey, well-produced web shorts with frills like plot and dialogue just because they've landed some A-list endorsement talent, Campari's online "Hotel Campari" effort deserves credit for the elegant simplicity with which it delivers its message: "Famous ladies with big tits love our booze."

Yesterday, we linked to a photo of the skeleton of the 360 Sunset building getting wrapped in a gargantuan, four-sided ad touting Michael Bay's latest make-shit-go-boom masterwork, Transformers. Well, as anyone who has ventured outside the office today (or caught a glimpse an airborne valet sailing past their window) already knows, gusty conditions have beset the accident-prone building with yet another small-scale epic disaster, stunningly captured by an intrepid Defamer operative and citizen photojournalist. Is it merely a random and destructive act of nature, or possibly a harbinger of ominous things to come, as prophesied in a sacred, anonymously authored verse? Only time will tell.

Inspired by the above story of two teenage Saw fans whose mischief is bringing a fresh wave of attention to the hugely successful horror franchise, always-innovative AfterDark CEO Courtney Solomon is scrambling to organize Captivity "phone teams" to call middle-aged women in poor health in key markets, hoping that mysterious messages that their daughters have been kidnapped and tortured by a maniac might induce the same kind of publicity-attracting cerebrovascular episodes that might raise awareness for his little abduction flick.

We really have to commend Sony Picture Home Entertainment for its well-executed, thoughtful marketing campaign for the Rocky Balboa DVD, an effort captured in this reader-submitted cameraphone photo of a garbage truck leaving the Fallbrook Mall in the Valley. Placing an ad for the unexpected mid-level hit on the side of a trash disposal vehicle is a subtle reminder of how the actor was callously discarded by a youth-obsessed film industry before making his triumphant half-comeback—an understated promotional choice made all the more impressive given the cheap stunts to which certain smaller studios will stoop in the name of raising awareness of their product.

Back on Wednesday, while we were waiting for all those Captivity billboards featuring Elisha Cuthbert's best work since those unauthorized Vegas escort handbills to come down as promised (how's that going, by the way?), we killed some time by speculating about the next AfterDark Films ad idea likely to draw totally unwanted and unanticipated attention to a small project with a limited promotional budget. Today, THR notes that the studio's lighthearted "Suicide, Don't Do It!" campaign for dark comedy Wristcutters: A Love Story, featuring awareness-raising signage displaying everyone's favorite acts of self-negation, has predictably run afoul of the the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Publicity-shunning AfterDark CEO Courtney Solomon responds:

We've had only one additional report of a Captivity billboard still awaiting removal since this morning's post ("Big one still up at wilshire and wilton next to the 7-11. It's giving the homeless gentleman out front ideas." And this just occurred to us: should we be asking for tips about ones that have been taken down?), but a reader with a good memory passed along this story from a couple of weeks ago, in which a certain, previously obscure small-time studio head who's spent a lot of time lately trying to explain how some OTP ideas mysteriously found their way into his movie's campaign positively glows with pride about the out-of-the -box marketing for another project he's involved in:

Sadist/misogynist cinephiles, take heed: you may have less than 24 hours to enjoy the series of 30 billboards erected around town to promote Elisha Cuthbert vehicle Captivity, depicting the "Abduction," "Confinement," "Torture," and "Termination" of low-budget horror movie kidnapping victims, as they're scheduled to be taken down by sometime tomorrow following complaints from concerned citizens who appreciate a little more subtlety in their exploitation flick advertising. So how did these offensive, child-spooking ads get erected in the first place? "Damned if we know!", say furiously buck-passing executives from distributors Lionsgate and AfterDark Films to the LAT:

The peace of a Torrington, Connecticut multiplex was shattered Monday night, when an audience in the process of being vaguely disappointed by a 7:00 p.m. showing of Dreamgirls was suddenly jarred out of its immersively underwhelming cinematic experience by the unexpected intrusion of an out-of-control SUV barreling through the wall of the theater. The establishment's owner was predictably shocked by the unplanned intermission:

A tipster forwarded us one of the latest offerings from New Line's Google News Alert-inspired marketing effort, designed to instill in its mass e-mail recipients a reflexive, bowel-loosening dread of the mysteriously recurring number soon bedeviling a paranoid Jim Carrey at a multiplex near you, one which is sure to win the studio's team a Best Use of a Frozen Dead Baby In An Online Campaign at next year's Flackies.

To date, we've found the marketing push for the upcoming Jim Carrey vehicle The Number 23 somewhat inscrutable, with the few commercials we've seen leading us to blindly guess that the film is some kind of thriller/documentary hybrid detailing how the mysterious reappearance of the accursed, titular number in Carrey's life is somehow to blame for his recent career deceleration. Slate's Kim Masters now reports that the campaign has taken a new and annoying turn by peppering media types with e-mails noting the supposedly heebeejee-inducing reoccurrence of [actual number deleted for concerns that reading it here again could plunge you into depths of madness] in actual news items:

We'll spare you the text of the publicist pitch that informed us that Taco Bell, like some kind of buzz-vulture feasting on the marketing carrion of another corporate predator's pop-culture kill, intends to get its own piece of the recent "controversy" over exhousehusband-for-hire Kevin Federline's much-discussed commercial for Nationwide insurance, in which a deeply offended fast-food community has loudly protested the upcoming denigration of a proud vocation during the Superbowl; suffice it to say that the attached photograph sums up the entire campaign concept in a single, tidy image. But should you desire to feel the sweet prick of the second spork-prong of Taco Bell's publicity attack, the letter containing their Fearless Gordita-Pushing Leader's formal offer of a one-hour shift working the sour cream gun follows after the jump:

As alluded to in the typically restrained Drudge Report headline above, the freakout level in Boston has been officially reduced from "Holy shit, someone is leaving crazy-looking bombs all over the city!" to, "Hey, no terrorist would ever use Aqua Teen Hunger Force characters to sow the seeds of mass panic! This is just an incredibly ill-advised marketing campaign, everything's OK!" as Turner Broadcasting has claimed responsibility for the harmless flashing electronic boxes it scattered around the city to promote its Cartoon Network show through the widespread soiling of the undergarments of demographically desirable population segments. In its "sorry for the unintended terror scare" statement, Turner indicated that the devices have "have been in place for two to three weeks" in a variety of other cities, including Los Angeles, so our own wave of marketing-induced hysteria should roll along just as soon a shopper decides to report one of suspicious blinking boxes planted in The Grove's parking structure to security, rather than just shrug their shoulders in resignation and agree that it's time someone finally took out that place.

PAUL BOUTIN — Microsoft's next-generation Windows hits the stores in less than two weeks, but for all its whizzy features it's got less buzz than a new dental plan. What's a techie to do? Blame marketing! Start with the scare-quoted "Wow" slogan. After the jump, Vista's campaign report card, plus photos from the Vista tour bus.The new Windows may look like a copy of Mac OS X, but instead of copying Apple's surprise attack strategy, Microsoft tried to soften the ground for Vista in advance with months of marketing campaigns — some generic, some nutty. I took a break from testing the software itself to grade my most and least favorites.

PAUL BOUTIN — Hiring a publicist is the traditional route to the media attention you need to attract customers and business partners. But are a half dozen press clips a year worth $10,000 a month? Maybe instead of pitching the tech press, you should be flooding the zone on Google. SVUG's pull-out guide to search engine optimization after the jump.

After last year's suggestive Oscar poster design featuring a photograph of a faceless male double-gripping his waist-level trophy, the Academy has gone the less open-to- Freudian-interpretation route of covering this year's design in memorable quotes from nominees dating back to 1935. Much fun can be had trying to divine from which films and characters the quotes derive, but for those too lazy to put in the effort, ComingSoon.net has already done most of the work for you. We've snuck one ringer in, however, just for kicks—see if you can find it.

The AdFreak blog points out a truly inspired Charlotte's Web promotion offered by the Richmond Times-Dispatch, in which kids are invited to color a picture of Wilbur, the film's porcine star, for a chance to win dinner for four at Famous Dave's restaurant, an eatery specializing in serving pigs not lucky enough to have a talking spider pal to save them from the slaughterhouse. While the prize meal may traumatize a child who's grown attached to Wilbur (really, the cartoon mascots both begging to be devoured and doing the cooking aren't helping), the trip will provide the contest-winning family an opportunity to teach their young ones a valuable lesson about the cruel realities of farm life that the film irresponsibly teaches can be easily overcome by some web-based barnyard anti-slaughter campaigning.

A tipster just forwarded us an NBC Universal e-mail newsletter which included this preview of an exciting promotional feature they'll be rolling out on Sunday, giving their own staff a chance to be among the first to tap through a series of automated menus and send their loved ones a greeting from GE's Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Programming. Nothing says "I was bored at work during the holiday slowdown" like sending your mother a message in Alec Baldwin's voice saying, "You always struck me as a lesbian. And a lonely one at that. While everyone else is out making merry at Christmas parties you weren't invited to, why not gather up your six cats, spike some eggnog with cheap Scotch, and join your new best friends at 30 Rock, 9:30 pm Eastern Standard Time on NBC? See you then!"